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October 2012 Moms
Can I just vent?!
If you have been around this board long enough, chances are you have seen at least one of my DH stories. Here is another.
We have 2 California king mattresses in our house which both have big heavy comforters that dont fit in our washing machine so I bring then to a local laudromat that has a huge machine for that purpose. I drop them off and the people wash,dry and fold them. So this morning, DH drops both of the comforters off and says they will be ready by 6 tonight. Ok good, He knows that is Brants nap time so I just assumed he would go get them. He and his friends will be gone all this weekend from Friday morning through Sunday night riding four wheelers in another state so they all decide to get together tonight and work on them. DH tells me to expect him home no earlier than midnight. In the meantime i totally forget about the comforters until now. Well, Brant is asleep in the car and I do not want to wake him up to bring him in for the two seconds it will take to get the blankets. I called every non mother friend I have to come ride with me, which isnt many, and they are all busy. So now, i am in a position of whether to leave him in the car while i run in or wake him up and bring him in. The more I have to think about it, the more it p!sses me off. Why be so frucking inconsiderate and selfish. It would have taken the man 2 minutes to go get the damm blankets and bring them home with no fuss. Luckily, there was a freaking DJ that I use to be friends with that happened to be doing his laundry and was willing to stand by the car while I ran in. Did he just not care enough to think about me holding his wiggling son while lugging out 2 huge comforters and then load them in the car?! I just dont understand.
What sucks is that I am stuck in the situation. If we separate, I have to go back to work and B is stuck in day care which I just realllly dont want to have happen. I guess i just suck it up and deal as long as possible.
We have 2 California king mattresses in our house which both have big heavy comforters that dont fit in our washing machine so I bring then to a local laudromat that has a huge machine for that purpose. I drop them off and the people wash,dry and fold them. So this morning, DH drops both of the comforters off and says they will be ready by 6 tonight. Ok good, He knows that is Brants nap time so I just assumed he would go get them. He and his friends will be gone all this weekend from Friday morning through Sunday night riding four wheelers in another state so they all decide to get together tonight and work on them. DH tells me to expect him home no earlier than midnight. In the meantime i totally forget about the comforters until now. Well, Brant is asleep in the car and I do not want to wake him up to bring him in for the two seconds it will take to get the blankets. I called every non mother friend I have to come ride with me, which isnt many, and they are all busy. So now, i am in a position of whether to leave him in the car while i run in or wake him up and bring him in. The more I have to think about it, the more it p!sses me off. Why be so frucking inconsiderate and selfish. It would have taken the man 2 minutes to go get the damm blankets and bring them home with no fuss. Luckily, there was a freaking DJ that I use to be friends with that happened to be doing his laundry and was willing to stand by the car while I ran in. Did he just not care enough to think about me holding his wiggling son while lugging out 2 huge comforters and then load them in the car?! I just dont understand.
What sucks is that I am stuck in the situation. If we separate, I have to go back to work and B is stuck in day care which I just realllly dont want to have happen. I guess i just suck it up and deal as long as possible.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Can I just vent?!
I wouldn't say they're "stuck"
And I certainly wouldn't use that as a reason to stay married
Oh Candace
I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. I swear, men don't have brains when it comes to this parenting stuff sometimes. If he's going to be gone this weekend, then he should be doing everything he can to make sure everything is taken care of before he leaves. But, guys don't think like that.
Hang in there. ::hugs::
I know that most daycares are just fine but I just feel like he is benefitting so much from my being home with him one on one.
We had a "come to Jesus" meeting but apparently it didnt help. He thinks a counselor will do nothing but cost money.
Even if you do end up separating, you will still need to learn to communicate better with each other to effectively co-parent. Wouldn't want it to be LO instead of blankets left with no one to pick him up because you both assumed the other was going to.
While counseling is expensive, I have a feeling divorce might be even more expensive. If you think it will help, then try to talk to him again about attempting counseling.
Also, to respond to your subject line question, of course you can vent. Anytime you need to!
Have you tried going about the counseling by suggesting that it is more for you? Maybe saying something like I think it would help me to better be able to communicate with you? Maybe if you turn it that way he would be willing to go.
Also if it is about the money you could seek counseling from a minister. That is free.
I know I am being a sensitive sally here, but the daycare bit strikes a chord with me. I really wish I didn't have to work and could be home with my son. Unfortunately, I do have to work and that means my son goes to day care. I know you didn't mean it that way, but your comment suggests that day care is not a good place for a child to be.
I certainly didnt mean that at all by any means. I am so so sorry that it came across that way. I was a daycare, after school care child and I turned out just fine! Insert mobile winky face here.
It was pretty offensive, honestly
Maybe if you saw that daycare can actually be good you may feel differently about what you want to do in your marriage
He just turned 24. I will be 27 in september.
Yeah that's really judgmental of all the women who have to work. I don't stick my kid with a stranger 8 hours a day.
Your husband sounds like an a
Day care can be a great thing! I think my DD advances more because she is in day care. She's learns a lot of social skills and also learns new things from the older kids.
assshole.
Just filling in the blank.
Totally agree with this and I SAH. However, soon I'll be going back to work PT. If you are anti-day care there is another option. You could get an in home nanny. We have one lined up and it's actually less money than daycare for both of my kids. Once my boys are older, we'll do PT daycare, since it will financially make more sense, unless our nanny stays on longer. My boys love her and we are very comfortable with her.
Sounds like somethings got to give with your relationship. Hope you guys figure it out soon.
Hey mama chin up. You are in a hard place with your husband . I know you only meant you want to be home with B, it just wasn't phrased well. Hang in there.
My LO is in daycare, and I didn't find your post offensive at all. I am actually kind of stunned that was so many people's takeaway from this post. I completely understand how wanting to be at home with your baby would sway you in this. To me, this specific concern speaks to a fear of a larger shift in lifestyles, financially and otherwise. And while I don't actually remember too many past vents about your DH (I blame sleep deprivation), I know you want to do what's best for the three of you.
I don't have any advice since I know this was just a vent. I also don't want to pretend I know what's best for your family. But I did want to send you my support and a ton of hugs. I know how fighting with your SO can wreak havoc on your sanity, especially when we are in so many ways still acclimating to motherhood. And did I mention sleep deprived?? :-P
Big hugs to you. I truly hope you figure out what makes you happy.
Rule 1: do not cry over Internet friends!
I know you didn't mean to offend. It's something many people myself included are sensitive about.
You will be ok. Married, divorced, whatever, you will be fine.
I don't even think it was stupid. She wants to stay home with her baby, I don't see an issue with that. I personally want to be at work and think my family benefits from that. It doesn't mean I judge people who want to SAH, and I didn't see her statement that her baby benefits from her being at home as a judgment of my choice. To each her own. We are allowed to prefer different lifestyles and still co-exist.
Then again, even if someone came out and blatantly said people who work are terrible moms, I would just shrug. Idgaf.
I think this was just a misunderstanding and beside the point of her post.
My biggest advice in marriage, especially as a SAHP is be independent. DOn't ever let the other parent believe you are without options they might begin to take advantage of that. I say polish your work skills, look for jobs, see if you can put DC in day care part time. Make your life valuable outside of being a parent and a spouse. Your spouse may begin to value you more, and at the very least you will definitely see more value to yourself.
I SAH and I am current in my licensure and often contemplate life without DH alongside my DH, nothing is guaranteed something may happen to your husband's career or health that will force your hand. Be prepared for all scenarios.
DD goes to preschool 3 mornings a week and I honestly believe that she flourishes because of it. If you need to make that choice your child will too.
and lastly super hugs. You have a lot of power and you can make the hard choices. and your life and your child's life will be better for it.
I'm so sorry, I totally agree with this. You shouldn't stay in the marriage just for Brant.... that won't be good for him long term.
Married the love of my life 7/11/09 - Our first baby, Peyton Mark, was born sleeping 10/25/11 at 33 weeks - Our second baby, BFP 2/4/12, welcome to the world Raylan! Holy Moly, BPF 2/4/14, please be safe and sound little one!
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Thank you for all the kind words. Something will work out in the end, it always does.
Of course it will, either with YH or without him. You have an amazing son and are an amazing mother and you'll figure it out. If he's only 24 maybe he wasn't just as mature as you'd hope for your baby's father to be.
Married the love of my life 7/11/09 - Our first baby, Peyton Mark, was born sleeping 10/25/11 at 33 weeks - Our second baby, BFP 2/4/12, welcome to the world Raylan! Holy Moly, BPF 2/4/14, please be safe and sound little one!
My Blog
That is becoming more and more evident unfortunately. I guess I just wanted a baby so badly that I assumed he was ready. Nothing in our marriage has really changed from before Brant came along, I am just noticing everything and putting up with less because it all seems like a lesser priority to me now. Who the hell cares about a freaking four wheeler when there is a beautiful little boy here?! Just hoping he grows out of it eventually
I think he should be permitted to have his own interests separate from you and baby, but staying out until midnight is ridiculous. Especially if he actually said, "Don't expect me home any earlier than midnight" as though it is assumed that is perfectly ok. Do you get similar liberties with your free time? How would he react if you wanted to take a weekend away?
Jerk! :-P
I personally just glommed onto the whole gone-til-midnight and then all weekend thing.
Very true. I just assumed it was habitual due to the nature of the post. My aim is just to lend support since I can't possibly advise anyone on a situation with which I am nearly 100% unfamiliar.
I feel terrible that it turned into that Candace.
She came here to vent to us and I feel like, especially as much as she posts and supports all of us here, calling her out on the daycare thing was kind of mean. I'm sure she wasn't trying to say that people who put their kid in daycares are horrible by any means. She has the option to not put him in daycare and she would like to keep it that way. I'm sure at least some of you with LOs in daycare would stay home if you could. She doesn't want to give that up if she doesn't have to, I get that. This is Candace we're talking about, not some random lurker. She's obviously upset.
I know that I don't have many, really any, close friends with little ones who can understand anything that we all go through. And I can't be the only one who's DH is clueless. Before I came to this board, I really felt alone. But venting to you guys and reading your posts made me feel a lot better. I thought that's what this board was about. Not making people feel worse. She came here to vent about her DH, not get scolded for her choice of words about Daycares. You guys may just be a bunch of people on the Internet, but you're the bunch of people we all talk to about things we wouldn't dare talk about with others.
Maybe it's just my lack of sleep, maybe it's my slight frustration with my DH already today and its only 6 am, but I'm a little upset that I came online to see this happening!!
And it's not just because its Candace, I probably would have went on this rant about the same bunch of you who called her out.
Rant over.
ETA this wasn't just about the people in this post, this is about all the posts I've seen where people rip people apart. I wasnt trying to offend anyone. DH not only wouldn't get up with DD this morning, he used all the hot water when he knows I shower right after him. He wasn't even in the shower long, he just let the hot water run while he did everything else. Aghhhhh!!!
No its ok! I was upset and typing fast so I guess my details were lacking. The blankets were just the icing on the cake that was yesterday. He takes these trips often, there is a lot of "prep work" for them....aka.....a bunch of young guys sitting around trying to think of ways to make their toys faster. So, as in yesterday, he went out to his shop at noon, I saw him once from noon till about 11:30 last night. He missed his son going to bed...again. The blankets just felt like something else that I had to do because his toys came first.
I am not given any liberties with my time. He has bathed B twice since birth, has fed him baby food once for sure, maybe twice. He threw a hissy because he had to "babysit" him on Monday while I went to the doctor.
I say all that to say this.....As much as I vent and complain about him and the situation, I am extremely blessed. He does work hard so I can stay home with B but I think in his mind, because he works, he is allowed to do nothing more than work or play. He does not help with housework but complains that the house looks like crap. He complains that we hardly ever DTD but he doesnt do anything to help with the baby during the day or night so I do all the night wakings and have him all day so I AM TIRED. So yes, yesterday seemed petty but it was just par for the course.
And just for extra detail.....he only works 15 days a month so its not like he has a regular 9 to 5.
Things will either get better at home or they will get worse. We shall see. I am grateful to you ladies for always giving me your honest opinions though!
My LO is in daycare and I didn't think your comment was offensive. Before I went back to work, I also thought of my daycare provider as a "stranger", because she basically was. It helped that we had a great recommendation from DH's coworker who also sends his 2 kids to the same facility.
Now I see Anna interact with the other kiddo's each day (she is still the youngest) and love that she has that socialization. She's always trying to keep up with the "big kids". It definitely helps with leaving her when she has giant smiles for DC provider each morning when we drop her off.
I hope things get better with DH and you are able to work things out. Also, your little boy is adorable.
I may try to write a letter! That will probably be the only way I can get it all out without causing an argument.
I second the bolded :-)
Also, if for some reason you have to separate and put LO in daycare, think of it a lot like PL has outlined -- a social time for LO. My boss kept her kids at home and put them in daycare at about 2 years old just for this reason...it had nothing to do with her needing to go to work or wanting time for herself. I think daycare has a lot of benefits, and if you nail it right, the daycare provider becomes less and less of a stranger to both you and LO every day. Henry has already made lots of baby friends at his daycare!
Completely agree!