What do you do when the BSC BD is your brother?

MrsHK

SIL married my brother under less than ideal circumstances. FF nearly 10 years and nothing is different, aside from them having children together. He cheats, a lot, always has, he has a litany of other problems that he doesn't try to improve on. 

SIL left him over a year ago, moved out and got her own place. I don't believe she has any intention of actually filing for divorce, she's just moving on with her life and trying to protect her kids. Actually divorcing is up to him to move ahead with. She has secured OOP and custody of the kids, currently he is only allowed supervised visitation but he doesn't have anyone approved to supervise. 

He continues to try to call me and cry for the pity party about how he needs to "get his life together". He has no actual plan to do so though, he just manipulates everyone and takes what he needs. I try to hold him to that when we talk but it's also draining. He wants me to meet his "amazing" new gf, that's not going to happen. I live out of state so that helps maintain some distance. I try to be supportive but hold him accountable, I have a good idea of the difference between his version of things, her version and the somewhere in between. I'm the only family member who still speaks to him at all.

Thanks for hanging on for my ramblings. I'm just wondering how others handle the balance when the crazy one is their family member. If you're the ex of a crazy one do you still have a good relationship with their family?  

CFjo2010

I'm in the same boat:  my sister is the BSC BM.  And it's infuriating.

The only advice I can offer is to disconnect.  Be supportive that he needs to get his life together.  But ultimately focus on those kids.  Don't get entangled in his drama (or SIL's drama) and do your best to avoid "taking sides".  If his phone calls are draining, end the phone call.  It's hard to cut someone off, especially family, but sometimes you just have to. 

MrsHK

jobalchak:

I'm in the same boat:  my sister is the BSC BM.  And it's infuriating.

The only advice I can offer is to disconnect.  Be supportive that he needs to get his life together.  But ultimately focus on those kids.  Don't get entangled in his drama (or SIL's drama) and do your best to avoid "taking sides".  If his phone calls are draining, end the phone call.  It's hard to cut someone off, especially family, but sometimes you just have to. 

I get what you're saying, I don't get too involved, that's where it kinda helps that I don't live near them. I fight the urge to call him after she tells me that he did something, I know it'll only drag me in. I do hold him accountable when he tells me something.

For example, he tried to tell me that SIL "screwed up and got him fired". He likes to talk in generalities so he can try to manipulate people into feeling sorry for him. I dragged the story out of him, his side. Then pointed out to him by his own admission that HE fought, HE lost his temper, HE was arrested, HE spent 5+ days in jail, HE had to miss work and got fired. That's where I feel I should get involved. I try to just ask questions and get him thinking about his own actions. I feel like everyone else has just given up on him and so no one will actually do that for him.

 

MrsHK

What saddens me is that he acts just like our BM, and now one of his daughters is already learning to lie and manipulate in the same way. We are clear with her that her dad is "sick" and we want him to get better, but the way he acts (and sometimes her) is not appropriate or acceptable. 

+just+j+

Keep him at arms length. Just because he is family, does not mean you have to put up with his crap.

Google "Dr Phil + Baiters".  Read up on it.  Your brother is B.A.I.T.E.R. 

I'd tell him that you love him and are here for him when and after he figures it out and after he gets his life together, but until then you can't condone or support his bad behavior and relationships.

MrsHK

+just+j+:

Keep him at arms length. Just because he is family, does not mean you have to put up with his crap.

Google "Dr Phil + Baiters".  Read up on it.  Your brother is B.A.I.T.E.R. 

I'd tell him that you love him and are here for him when and after he figures it out and after he gets his life together, but until then you can't condone or support his bad behavior and relationships.

WOW! https://youtu.be/Z4ZkFBw6u6Y He meets all 8! I do keep him at arms length, hence how I will not meet the gf and we only speak on the phone periodically. I'll be there for a long weekend some time from now but I will likely not see him physically, and my kids will definitely not be there. Honestly, I don't believe his wanting to "get his family back" has anything to do with really wanting to fix those relationships. I think it's because he's losing control and he's either following his gf's advice or his lawyer's in trying to get right with his extended family.

He was upset that no one would speak to him on mother's day. He called my mom 5+ times that day and she refused to answer or call him back, yet HE was hurt. I told him he'll need to get over that and understand how HIS actions led to where HE is now. I asked when was the last time he EVER acknowledged a birthday, holiday, anything for anyone else. He had no answer, he never has. It's all just a tactic now for him to get access and control again. 

Thanks guys, this really helps. It's helpful to see I'm not crazy or alone.  

MrsHK

Sorry I tried to make it clicky so others can see. Just C&P it's a clip where Dr Phil spells it out. 

Karma1969

Keep bringing the focus back to his kids and make it about them and not about him.

+just+j+

MrsHK:

Thanks guys, this really helps. It's helpful to see I'm not crazy or alone.  

Making you feel like you're the crazy one is exactly what they are good at. Do not let him get into your head or make you feel bad.

2chatter

For me, I ignore my BSC sister.  I grew up hearing that I ruined her life when I was born.  I was the "ours" baby for my parents and she was a senior in high school.  She dropped out of college a year in (also my fault) and married a part time pilot and had to live in a trailer park (also my fault).  As a kid I tolerated all of this, I started to fight back while I was in college and then totally wrote her off when she gave up my pregnant neice to the state when she was pregnant.  The things she said about her own daughter, the fact that she chose a flavor of the week over her own daughter and our history made me pretty certain this was the healthiest choice. 

My life is much more peaceful without her.  My other sister calls me crying about BSC sister and the horrible things she says/does.  Re-affirms my stance.

MrsHK

+just+j+:

MrsHK:

Thanks guys, this really helps. It's helpful to see I'm not crazy or alone.  

Making you feel like you're the crazy one is exactly what they are good at. Do not let him get into your head or make you feel bad.

It's funny because I've been telling my SIL this for years, yet when I look at my own relationship with him then I question it.  

MrsHK

2chatter:

For me, I ignore my BSC sister.  I grew up hearing that I ruined her life when I was born.  I was the "ours" baby for my parents and she was a senior in high school.  She dropped out of college a year in (also my fault) and married a part time pilot and had to live in a trailer park (also my fault).  As a kid I tolerated all of this, I started to fight back while I was in college and then totally wrote her off when she gave up my pregnant neice to the state when she was pregnant.  The things she said about her own daughter, the fact that she chose a flavor of the week over her own daughter and our history made me pretty certain this was the healthiest choice. 

My life is much more peaceful without her.  My other sister calls me crying about BSC sister and the horrible things she says/does.  Re-affirms my stance.

Wow, good for you to take a stance, you don't deserve that.

My older brother (bsc one) never has been around much so there hasn't been much to distance from. My kids don't even know who he is, they've only seen him maybe twice and he doesn't really interact with anyone when he has been around. 

I hear what you're saying. My younger brother and I don't speak with our BM for the same reasons; not that she ever tried having much of a relationship either. I get what you're saying about being so much more peaceful without her. I just feel like I don't want to be that person always cutting people out. I get that there are toxic people and brother is probably one of them. I'm just trying to find the balance in loving everyone without possibly actually liking or condoning their behavior. How do counselors and social workers deal with people over and over like this? Do you ever watch Dr Drew with the Teen Mom girls? How does he maintain such composure and objectiveness? That's patience I don't have. 

Pamelacake

I just wanted to had that I may be in your shoes someday. My brother and SIL don't have any children together but can't really trust either one of them. They are getting married this weekend.

I haven't spoken to my brother in a while but he used to call me all of the time. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I used to have a job where I always had money mixed with the fact that I was prescribed to a large dose of Xanax.