Have you been called Selfish?

blue33

I was approached by a woman at church who commented that, it was time to give my son a little sister or brother. To which I said, uhm no it is not. We are done. She look as if I had cursed at her, and said, "that is incredibly selfish of you not to give him someone to love and play with. Think about when you die, he will be in this world all alone with no living relative". It took all I had to not go off on her. I had to remember that I was at church. But I did say, no what would be selfish if my having another baby that I can't take care of, or that jepordizes my health and financial stability. I did not go into the specifics of why we chose to only have one, because that is not her business, but I was just floored. I don't think I have ever been called selfish for having only one child, have you?

EastCoastBride

blue33:

But I did say, no what would be selfish if my having another baby that I can't take care of, or that jepordizes my health and financial stability.

Good for you. People need to keep their noses to themselves.  I REALLY don't get how people feel it's ANY of their business or place to judge when it comes to this choice.  there are so many factors that go into this decision.  For some, it's easy.  for others, it's not.  And comments like that do not help.

And your DS won't be alone.  We have a very small family, and I DO struggle w/ this aspect of it.  But we have a large extended family and DH and I make efforts to make sure DS knows these people.  And I expect him to make friends and have people in his life who love him and care for him.  

And I hope that he'll meet a wonderful partner down the road to share his life with!  

I haven't been out and out called "selfish", but I have had my choice judged.  And I'm always unprepared for it and am never able to formulate a response!  

salt78

Yes. Multiple times.

I don't know how stretching your finances to give someone another human being that they might not actually get along with is not selfish and making sure your one child is comfortably provided for and doesn't want for things is, but I guess it's a backwards world those people live in.

hopefulmom81

I am really dreading the day this happens to me.

Since I am an only, I have a little more "ammo" against people who say stuff like this, but I cannot believe the NERVE!

I think it is WAY more selfish to pop out more kids for any other reason than you desperately want them and feel your family isn't complete.  When I hear the phrase, "Give a sibling" it seriously makes me want to vomit. 

salt78

hopefulmom81:

When I hear the phrase, "Give a sibling" it seriously makes me want to vomit. 

Seriously. Get your child a pet when they get older. You don't give someone another human being. 

KL777

You responded well.  I haven't been called selfish, but I was just at a mother's group meeting recently and everyone there had two kids and I was asked "Was your pregnancy and birthing experience that bad?"  I said no it wasn't and that I don't have the patience for multiple children.  I thought what she was insuating (that I must have another child) was kind of rude.

blue33

EastCoastBride:

blue33:

But I did say, no what would be selfish if my having another baby that I can't take care of, or that jepordizes my health and financial stability.

Good for you. People need to keep their noses to themselves.  I REALLY don't get how people feel it's ANY of their business or place to judge when it comes to this choice.  there are so many factors that go into this decision.  For some, it's easy.  for others, it's not.  And comments like that do not help.

And your DS won't be alone.  We have a very small family, and I DO struggle w/ this aspect of it.  But we have a large extended family and DH and I make efforts to make sure DS knows these people.  And I expect him to make friends and have people in his life who love him and care for him.  

And I hope that he'll meet a wonderful partner down the road to share his life with!  

I haven't been out and out called "selfish", but I have had my choice judged.  And I'm always unprepared for it and am never able to formulate a response!  

This is us too. I have two sisters and a brother and they all have children. My son is very close to my sister's kids. Now, my brother and I don't really get along, and I don't like his wife, which is another story and more support that just because you are family does not mean you are going to get along in a lovey dovey relationship. But my point is, he will have family and hopefully a wonder mate and start a family of his own. I usually don't respond, but she really got to me, and I had to say something!

blue33

salt78:

hopefulmom81:

When I hear the phrase, "Give a sibling" it seriously makes me want to vomit. 

Seriously. Get your child a pet when they get older. You don't give someone another human being. 

THIS!!!! You don't have a baby to be your older child's playmate.

blue33

KL777:

You responded well.  I haven't been called selfish, but I was just at a mother's group meeting recently and everyone there had two kids and I was asked "Was your pregnancy and birthing experience that bad?"  I said no it wasn't and that I don't have the patience for multiple children.  I thought what she was insuating (that I must have another child) was kind of rude.

I found that parents of multiple children are sometimes "judgy" towards me and others who only have one child, like we don't have it as difficult, or that we are not really making sacrafices raising just one.

EastCoastBride

blue33:

This is us too. I have two sisters and a brother and they all have children. My son is very close to my sister's kids. Now, my brother and I don't really get along, and I don't like his wife, which is another story and more support that just because you are family does not mean you are going to get along in a lovey dovey relationship. But my point is, he will have family and hopefully a wonder mate and start a family of his own. I usually don't respond, but she really got to me, and I had to say something!

Heck, when I say small- DS is the only grandchild on either side and will be the only grandchild!  Our immediate families are both SMALL.  We both have a brother, but neither of them are going to have kids. 

And the extended family is mainly DHs and they are all over the country!  

But again - DS does have family and we're going to provide as many avenues to them as we can, and creating a life that will hopefully lead to him having many good people in his life!

ferris0906

1. You hold your tongue better than I would have. 

2. I agree with almost everything PP said here.

3.  What is wrong with being a little selfish?  As a parent (especially a mother), we almost always put someone else ahead of ourselves.  We make sure everyone else is clothed, bathed, fed, happy, and generally taken care of before we do the same.  At some point, it is time to say, "This is at least in part ABOUT ME...and I know what I want, I want one child."

 I can't wait for someone to call me selfish...

salt78

ferris0906:

3.  What is wrong with being a little selfish?  As a parent (especially a mother), we almost always put someone else ahead of ourselves.  We make sure everyone else is clothed, bathed, fed, happy, and generally taken care of before we do the same.  At some point, it is time to say, "This is at least in part ABOUT ME...and I know what I want, I want one child."

I love all of this. I don't know why I never looked at it this way, but it makes so much sense. 

KL777

blue33:

KL777:

You responded well.  I haven't been called selfish, but I was just at a mother's group meeting recently and everyone there had two kids and I was asked "Was your pregnancy and birthing experience that bad?"  I said no it wasn't and that I don't have the patience for multiple children.  I thought what she was insuating (that I must have another child) was kind of rude.

I found that parents of multiple children are sometimes "judgy" towards me and others who only have one child, like we don't have it as difficult, or that we are not really making sacrafices raising just one.

To be honest, I don't think we do have it as difficult as they do, that's exactly why I'm not having multiple children! :-) ALL parents make sacrifices, that comes with the territory. I don't think we have to make AS MANY sacrifices as moms of multiples, which is not a bad thing, more of a  " to each their own" kind of thing.

Kissty

I hate when people do this. As I am an only child. I have a very small family. I am the only grandchild on one side. The other side has plenty of cousins whom I only see at funerals. But my life is not empty and neither will my child's. I have plenty of close friends whom I like and am much closer too than family. Those are the people I really consider my true family. I do see more and more only children these days and to me that is a good thing. Why is it that when you are a mom people feel they have the right to say the rudest things to you? It started with pregnancy. I have never been so offended in my life...

Monkeybutt80

Your son wont be alone.  I am an only child and my parents live across the globe and I have been away from them since I was 14.  I never felt alone among my friends and others.  Now I have my husband and my friends around.  I never felt like I was alone because I didn't have a sibling.  and I know plenty of people with siblings that feel alone. 

SheLovesMrHip

Yes and often.....

Shayna0182

blue33:

I was approached by a woman at church who commented that, it was time to give my son a little sister or brother. To which I said, uhm no it is not. We are done. She look as if I had cursed at her, and said, "that is incredibly selfish of you not to give him someone to love and play with. Think about when you die, he will be in this world all alone with no living relative". It took all I had to not go off on her. I had to remember that I was at church. But I did say, no what would be selfish if my having another baby that I can't take care of, or that jepordizes my health and financial stability. I did not go into the specifics of why we chose to only have one, because that is not her business, but I was just floored. I don't think I have ever been called selfish for having only one child, have you?

I hope if anyone called me this, it was behind my back because if anyone ever said this to me I would unload.   Ds has asd, and we lost a daughter before him and a daughter after him. I guess we are selfish, because we knew another loss might break us, and ds's care can be very challenging.

If more people felt like shiit after saying that to someone, then maybe they would learn to keep their mouths closed.  You have no idea what someone has been through.

Ugh, comments like this make me just want to scream.

graciesmurf

One of the ways I deal with my PPD when it gets bad is telling myself that once I'm "cured" I never have to have another child and deal with this crappy feeling again.

My mom called me selfish.  Literally said that I was putting myself before her future/unborn grandchildren.

MonkeySender

graciesmurf:

One of the ways I deal with my PPD when it gets bad is telling myself that once I'm "cured" I never have to have another child and deal with this crappy feeling again.

My mom called me selfish.  Literally said that I was putting myself before her future/unborn grandchildren.

 Wow. That's awful. I had some exhaustion induced ppd and I think if anyone (especially my mom) would have said that I might not have stopped crying for days.

KaliChick

Excited30:

If someone called me selfish at church I might come home and cry..I'd probably be dumb founded at the person too.  I'd really be in shock, and very put off.  How incredibly assuming of anyone to make a comment like that.  There's a good saying, "If you haven't walked a mile in someone's shoes...Keep your mouth shut!!"

I have always wanted several kids, but so far that has not been in the cards for me.  Married, but marriage is falling through and I've got a dd that I love and she will probably be my one and only and I'm treating her as such.  You don't always get what you want in life, but you make the most and count your blessings.  Who needs people to stick their two cents in. 

I'm so sorry for this but I'm pretty sure I'm in the same boat.  I had always wanted more kids and if I had started earlier or life was just different I probably would, but it's just not in the cards here either.  PM if you want to chat ... I remember you from other boards.

I was told the other day that someone was "forbidding" me from having only 1.  I told him "well when you want to have another one for me, wake up in the middle of the night and more importantly financially support another, you let me know.  Until then, I'm VERY happy with the one I have."

I come from a very small family as well.  My parents are both only children and I have a sister.  We both are OAD.  My husband has 2 brothers of which 1 has 2 kids but we aren't close to them at all and the other won't have any.  He isn't particularly close to his extended family so it's pretty much just us.  I grew up without Aunts/Uncles and cousins and I did just fine.

BLPL101

I hope y'all don't mind me posting since I'm not OAD, but I COMPLETELY understand why people choose not to have multiple children. I would never, ever judge someone! I don't think it's selfish in the slightest. It's hard and mine is only 5 months!