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Working Moms
SIL problems need advise please!!!
Here is the problem
My husband and I work full time, however I bring home the majority of the money.
I am 26 years old and I have 3 babies (7 yr old, 18 month old and a 4 month old) my husband and I finally purchased a home (3 bedrooms) we are moving in this Friday everything was absolutely fine until yesterday.
Yesterday my husband gets a call from his sister she says that she is having marital problems with her husband and wants to know if she can borrow his car for 30 min, I was not comfortable with that since she is not working and its a brand new (still has paper plates) bmw. I know if she wreaks it she has no way of paying for the damages, however my husband allows her to borrow the car the 30 mins turned into 3 and a half hours when she finally comes home she goes to the room with my husband and talks to him about whats going on with her and her husband.
My husband wanted me to sit in the convo and give input.( a little back ground on her she is 27 not employed and hasnt been employed in over 2 years she has no kids and has been bouncing around from place to place living with other people) So I sat in and my husband asked his sister what was her plan she said she cannot make rent at her apartment because her husband lost his job (its an efficiency all bills paid $600) and she said if the offer is still available can she move in with us. My husband asked how much can she pay a month and his sister said 300. My husband said "I am completely ok with you and your husband moving in with us but its totally up to my wifey (me)"
I felt really uncomfortable and asked how long was she planning on staying she said she didnt know her plan was to look for a part time job and go full time to school I told her its a huge decision and that I would have to think about it bc we have 3 daughters and a 3 bedroom home so I dont know where they would stay. My husband said that we would make all 3 girls stay in one room and his sis and her husband can have the 3rd bedroom.
We are not struggling for money and if she were to move in it is simply to help her out.
I told his sister I would have to sleep on it. Once my husband and I were in private I told him I did not appreciate him setting me up by saying that he was ok w it but the decision was up to me.
Either way we allowed her to stay the night, I work from home so this morning I woke up at 7a got all 3 girls ready took my daughter to school and the other 2 girls to daycare I came home and started working I did walk in the bedroom where she was sleeping several times and she was sound asleep. It is now 3:30 pm and she is still asleep.
I do not want them to move in simply because she has no ambition in improving her living situation and she has showed me today that she will sleep all day while I am working and that is not ok.
Am I wrong for this?
Please let me know your thoughts Ive been stressed about this all day.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: SIL problems need advise please!!!
Wow that is a really stinky situation your DH put you in. However I think you need to put your own family first and to heck with it if SIL ends up hating you for it. Sounds like she is a major loser. I would have zero patience for that. Maybe I'd give it a snowflakes chance in he11 if you happened to have the room to spare, but it sounds like you do not have the room. I would not make my 7yr old share a room with 2 babies to accomodate a grown a$$ woman and her deadbeat husband.
Thank you so much for your response, I feel the same way. My husband told me last night that he feels bad for not allowing her to say and that it is not HIS fault she is in that position, I told him not to feel bad that its her fault she is in that situation.
How should I tell my husband and SIL that she cannot stay should I just be honest with her or should I cushion the blow
Absolutely not. No. She needs to go stay with her parents or some other friend or something else. It is rediculous for her to be asleep at 3:30pm when she should at least be trying to make a good impression by at minimum getting up and taking a shower and looking online for jobs.
By the way, my sister allowed her SIL and her son to move in, and it almost drove her and her husband to divorce b/c the SIL never did end up getting a job. The SIL stayed with her for over a year.
Personally I would have said 'no' and would not have explained myself.
Your DH should not be fine with it before you have discussed and I too would have been put off by him putting me in that position, but my answer would have been the same. While I might have said yes to someone who have been working like dogs and then fell on hard times....it does not appear that SIL has a history in that category. Plus I would be resentful to sharing my home with someone who does not share that ethic.
EDIT: To answer your question on how to tell her, I would tell your DH and he should tell her "we have discussed it and in light of our living situation right now we don't think this will work out" or some such thing. It's probably too late to make her not blame you, but I wouldn't worry too much about that.
The fact of the matter is, though, your DH should not indicate that the decision was made by you. He should indicate that you and he discussed it privately and have decided it is not a good decision for your immediate family.
I am glad to know I am the only one thinking this is a bad idea..
I will not feel bad anymore it is now 4:30 and I went in to check on her still zzzzZZZZzzzzz
Thank you ladies
OMG. DH would GET IT from me if he dare did what your DH did. Wow. Your DH needs to know to never EVER do that again. EVER.
That being said, no, don't do this. Horrible idea. He can feel bad for her, but it's ridiculous to bring them into your home and put all your kids in one room. How unfair to your DDs! It sure as heck isn't THEIR fault that their aunt has no ambition and has no job.....
And if for some crazy reason you cave, there has to be VERY clear set time frame. 1 month, 2 months. whatever. NO MORE than 3 months. But I think it would be insane to even entertain that.
As for "what to say" - you tell your DH no and you tell HIM to tell his sis "we talked about it some more. HOnestly- I spoke before thinking. Our house simply isn't big enough. We want to help you as best we can, but having you move in just isn't going to work". If she gets pissed and points the finger at you, HE needs to say "No- this is a mutual decision and *I* said yes before fully thinking through the situation".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Oh wow. The fact that she knows her head is on your plate and still sleeps ALL DAY shows her character and I'm sorry you're related to that.
If you want to compromise with your DH (since he wants to help her out), could you gift her a month of rent so they have time to figure something else out? It would be well worth $600 to keep your own family in tact and at peace.
Your husband blew it by throwing you under the bus as the bad guy.
The situation your described would not fly with me. At all. And you have no easy way out of it.
SIL needs to stand on her own two feet, not step on your toes to make her life more manageable.
This exactly. It's nice to be able to help family when you can, but with VERY CLEAR EXPECTATIONS on both sides! And when you can means how you can - not necessarily what they want (like the couch versus their own room). I think knowing her history and the lack of motivation you've seen today, you're justified in saying "No" this time around because you just plain don't have the room.
And I would be SO mad at my DH for putting me in that position!!!!!! He needs to step up and take ownership for the "No" answer along with you. SIL can't think for a moment that she can play one of you off the other or it'll be a continuing problem.
Good luck!!!
The reason why I brought up me making the majority of the income is bc if she were to move it, it's going to be on MY expense.
The car: if she wanted to show us respect and show she is responsible and I can trust her to work I would hope she can bring the car back on time which she failed on that as well
She was/is having marital problems he cheated on her but she wants to give him another chance...
Just thought I should clear that up :
You are not in the wrong in this. I wouldn't expect a NB and a 7 yr old to share a room without it interfering with 7 yr old's schooling (lack of sleep unless the NB STTN), and what PP said about choking hazards.
And people who tend to not work for years at a time, tend to keep not working. Sorry but they just aren't ''hire material''.
I just ended up telling hubs that the answer is no because I offered a month at our house and that's not good enough she wants to finish her associates degree and I cannot see myself living that way for 2 yrs
I don't think it's fair to your family and your kids to have them move in, especially if they are having marital problems.
Your girls shouldn't have to share a room (all three of them) if they don't have to. Especially a 7 year old and a 4 month old, it just doesn't make sense to me.
It's nice to want to help family but sometimes the best help you can give someone is a wake up call that they need to get their life together.
this, in addition the $300 would be paid UP FRONT every month, not a day late, and they would be sleeping on a blow up mattress or sofa, not taking one of my kids rooms.
I had SIL stay with us for an extended period of time. She had a job and kept to herself most times but it still caused our family problems. I had to finally draw the line and ask H to help her find a new place because there was no end in sight since she was never actively looking for anything. Ruined my relationship with SIL overall but for my sanity it was well worth it.
You need to read your DH the riot act - YOU and your children come first. NOT his sister. She's an adult and she can figure this out.
And "no $hit" the $300 is a "temp fix". YOU and YOUR DH should not be their permanent fix! The fact that your DH is seriously contemplating this - jaw on the floor.
If he won't back you up (which I somehow doubt he will), then you're going to have to be the bad guy. And youll be learning a HUGE lesson about your DH and where his priorities lie.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Please tell me he realizes he is being a jerk.
In addition to what others have said, do you really want this woman around as a model for your daughters? Yes they will also have you, but do you want to demonstrate to them that they should rely on someone else to bail them out if they get themselves into a tough situation? I certainly wouldn't.
Your SIL is an adult and needs to find her own solution to her problems. Your husband is married to you, not her. He does not need to solve all her problems. I can relate, because my husband gets pulled in both directions too. But he needs to let her learn to be self-sufficient, too.
The two of you need to present a united front and together tell her that it's not possible at this time. He cannot leave you holding the bag and being the bad guy.
I missed this post- I change my answer to Heck no! NOT HAPPENING.
All you have to do is tell your DH "no. she can't move in" and be done with it. You have 3 kids and you don't need a 4th and 5th. You don't need to explain yourself.
It is okay to say "no" and be the bad guy on this. Who cares? Your marriage and 3 kids will thank you for it.
Even when DH and I hit a really hard financial time in our lives and we were going to lose our house, DH suggested getting a roommate and I said "No, never." and I'm so glad we didn't. I didn't get married and have kids to have roommates beyond that.
Sounds like she needs a hard dose of reality. I wouldn't want to be in that situation,a nd would be irritated if DH did that to me.
1. If you cave and say yes, you should make a contract on expectations, rent, and a time limit. Then make sure DH knows he has to stay strong on this with you and help enforce the contract.
2. Don't cave...say no. Be honest and tell her why; kids would have to give up rooms, she doesn't even have a real plan on how to get back on her feet, etc.
3. Tell DH the best way you can help is to let her grow up and figure this out on her own, and not to enable her to continue being a mooch. You'll be doing her a huge favor in the end, even if she never sees it that way. I could see if they fell on hard times, and it wasn't just a chronic case of lazy.
I just saw this...my brother and his wife got married young...they bought a house because she didn't want to live in an apt. Guess what...they both worked full time, and my brother was going to school at the same time to make things work on their own! It took him a little bit longer to finish, but he just graduated with his BS this past weekend, and is looking for a career in his degree. So...it is possible to be a responsible working adult and get an education and provide for yourself.
My other brother has 4 boys and a wife, and decided late to go back to school (after all the boys were already born). He's getting his PhD in Physics right now and will finish in August, they kept their house, kids fed, and clothed the whole time because he had a full time job along the way...mostly doing research in his field. It may not be ideal, but it's possible, you just have to be driven.
This. Our relationship isn't ruined, but its tough, even if the person staying with you is super considerate and amazing.
OMG Hellz no...I was already on Team No Way but two years - you have got to be kidding me. I echo what everyone else wrote - my DH would be in the doghouse for putting me in that situation.
This. If this is the first time she has ever made a request for assistance I would feel obligated to help in someway. I would rather pay $900 than have someone live in my house or risk feeling guilty in 20 years for not helping her out that one time...
Last night my husband said he feels bad bc his baby sis comes to him and asks for help and he had to close the door on her bc of me. I brought up the fact that we allowed them to stay the yr prior but they didn't do anything w that time. My h tells me that they weren't living w us but instead just staying the night bc we enjoyed their company.
I feel I've already given them help last year and here we are a yr later AND they're in the same boat.
So although my h has said no to his sis he still brings up that she has absolutely no where else to stay.
We haven't even moved into our new house yet and I'm already faced w his sis trying to put her foot in the door. I over heard her say yesterday that I should not have a say so to who is allowed to live there bc if it weren't for my h we wouldn't have gotten the house. That the house is his house.
And truth said yes we did use a VA loan bc he was in the military but end of the day when we closed on the house it was under both of our names.
I feel she doesn't respect me at all and I have a difficult time being the bad guy bc I always think what if I were in that situation.
But that's the end of my rant lol
Your husband and the rest of his family needs to open their eyes and accept that it is baby sister and her poor decisions that have put her in this situation.
YOU ARE NOT THE BAD GUY.
Jesus H.
Baby sister needs to getafuckingjob, start paying her own way and growthefuckup.
Full stop.
wow... I'm not sure I wouldn't poney up the extra $300 a month just to keep her out. Also, DH and I would have had a very heated discussion if he essentially put all of this on me.
I've actually been in the same situation but with a friend. My thoughts are this: make her pay rent. Even if it is nominal. If you don't need the money, great... Then you can give it all back to her to help with down payment on house or deposit on apt when she moves out. If you give her a place to stay, rent free... you are enabling her situation. This also will encourage her to find her own place. If she is not paying to stay, its a cushy situation. If she is paying, she will start thinking she may want her own place since she is paying for it with her own money.
I've learned when people get a free ride, most like to take advantage of it. Its great to help someone out, and you can still do that. Just make them start taking responsibility from day one.
If you really make the money and can cover the new mortgage on your own I would tell your DH that while he has his head up his a$$ and thinks his sister is more important than his wife and kids that he can help her, by moving into her apt and taking his money and helping them with the rent.
That stuff would not fly and he would be lucky I wasn't talking divorce. You and he are a team (or at least are supposed to be) and he doesn't seem to give a crap about your marriage or your family. I think if he absolutely won't see this for what it is, then I would say that he can move out to think about it or he can go to a marriage counselor with you. Then have an independent third party listen and try to get through to him on what a nightmare this will be.
I spoke w my h yesterday and told him that it is not going to happen if she cannot follow my requests, and he said they are not kids and shouldn't have to follow rules. I know now I don't have a sil problem but a h problem.
I also told him if he does not giver her some guidelines on how we want our house ran and he still feels obligated to help her he can either keep the house allow them to stay and I will find a rental home or if he cannot afford maintaining the house alone then allow me to keep the house and I would make all payments.
He said I was talking crazy that was not going to happen.
We were supposed to talk about the POSSIBILITY of them moving in yesterday however it was not convenient to his sis and I told him if we did not talk yesterday then the answer will be no bc I'm not going to push my work load back to accommodate her.
But the way things are looking; I maybe getting a divorce. I do not want that but I cannot be pulling everyone's weight