Jealous SD

cynthiajostrunk

My SD is 11 years old.  She was an only child/grandchild until LO was born.  My inlaws(mom, dad, 2 sisters, and a brother)  are great, but they all treat her like she is five.  SD is very spoiled,catered to, and wants to be the center of attention.(DH still ties her shoes, starts/turns of her shower, gets everything she wants) I was very concerned about how she was going to act when LO came.  She really wanted LO to be a boy, so she could remain the only little girl.  To my surprise, SD was wonderful when DD was born (6M).  She is helpful and really seems to care about her little sister.  

Well, we were eating with DH's family Saturday night, and she starts making comments about how she wants LO to stay at home while she is with her granny.  She gets alone time with her granny and pa all the time (3 times a week).  She then starts making comments about how at Christmas this year she better get more presents than LO, and she hopes LO only gets four presents.  In-laws just kinda laughed it off.  She asked to hold LO and I told her I didn't know if LO would want to sit with someone that didn't want her around.  SD just laughed.  DH was on the other end of the table and didn't hear any of this.  

 When we get in the car I tell SD that right now LO is too little to understand what she is saying, but it would really hurt her feelings if she could.  I gave her a couple of examples about how she would feel if her aunt that she really looks up to said she didn't want her around and only wanted her to get a few presents at Christmas.  DH became upset with her and told her he never wanted to hear anything like that again or she would be in big trouble.  

 SD said she feels like everyone only pays attention to LO.  This is definitely not true, everyone goes out of their way to pay attention to her.  I feel bad for her that she feels this way, but we all go out of our way to make her feel special.  I don't know what else to do for her.  DH plays with her, takes her to movies, and they have alone time when I go to bed with LO at 7:30 (SD's bedtime is around 9 sometimes later).  What more can we do?

fellesferie

cynthiajostrunk:

Well, we were eating with DH's family Saturday night, and she starts making comments about how she wants LO to stay at home while she is with her granny.  She gets alone time with her granny and pa all the time (3 times a week).  She then starts making comments about how at Christmas this year she better get more presents than LO, and she hopes LO only gets four presents.  In-laws just kinda laughed it off.  She asked to hold LO and I told her I didn't know if LO would want to sit with someone that didn't want her around.  SD just laughed.  DH was on the other end of the table and didn't hear any of this.  

Did you say that jokingly?

Because I think you're taking this too seriously. If your SD is generally loving--asking to hold the baby, being helpful, caring, etc--then I think her behavior is normal. A little jealousy, a little rivalry, etc is reasonable. There's a difference IMO between your SD saying she wants alone time with her grandma and her saying she doesn't want her sister around. By taking it personally you're making this into a bigger thing than it is. If you jump to over-protect your baby, you're going to create a problem where I think there is not one currently.

Not that you should encourage her acting spoiled or entitled. But I think gentle discouragement ("Hey now, would you like it if she said that about you?) is better than 'if you say anything like that again you're going to be in big trouble.' 

The thing with her being babied is an issue with YH. 

Littlejen22

I don't know what else to do but getting insulted and making those comments is only going to make things worse. You are commenting that DH did not hear her but I am thinking about how he did not hear you. I hope someone can help with suggestions.

cynthiajostrunk

I didn't tell her she would be in big trouble that was DH.  I thought that was the wrong way to go about it as well.  I tried to tell her she would feel badly if someone said that about her.  I was just concerned because she does get plenty of alone time with her grandparents and dad, but she is still feeling left out.  

Anytime I say something to DH about tying her shoes, starting her bath, etc. he becomes defensive, so I just leave it alone.  

Thanks for the replies, I really do want honest opinions.  I don't want her to resent LO. 

+just+j+

First of all, as they've already stated, this is normal even if your SD were not spoiled.

I think you need to have a serious discussion with your DH about her behavior and how much coddling he does for her.  They have created a monster, and it's going to be real hard at this age to teach her differently.  Research and seek professional guidance if you two can't figure it out on your own.

Ginlyn0

Some things I noticed from your post are that your DH is the problem on the babying thing. If you don't agree with his methods on the shoes, shower, ect. You had better get on the same page with that or else don't expect things to be different with your child. You and him need to have a discussion about it and come up with a game plan. It doesn't matter what anyone else outside your home does (grandparents, BM, ect). Expectations can be set differently at different houses and kids will learn to adjust, no different than rules at school vs home, in public vs in private. They will continue to have to adjust to new expectations at friend's houses, ect as they get older. At this age, your DH and you need to be teaching SD how to do these things for herself or else that isn't really good parenting. We aren't talking about a 6 yo here.

Do you really go to bed at 7:30 with your DD? That seems really odd to me. You mentioned your DH spends time alone with her after that but do you spend alone time with SD too? I think that is super important when there is a new addition to the family.

Nothing you listed with jealousy is really concerning to me, and I do think you are possibly making it more than it is.  Some jealousy is to be expected and your SD doesn't overly jealous at all.

 

hindsight's_a_biotch

I really don't think her attitude towards her sister is nearly as big of a deal as you're making it out to me. It all sounds pretty standard to me.

The real problem is the way your husband and all of the relatives treat an 11 year old girl. My son is 11. I haven't tied his shoes since he was maybe 6. He takes his own shower. Hell, he makes dinner. So all this coddling is not making for a healthy dynamic. She's going to be a teenager in two years. Do these people intent to wipe her azz for her for all eternity? 

cynthiajostrunk

I guess I was over thinking the jealousy issue.  I really want SD and LO to have a great relationship and I guess I panicked a little bit.  Thank you for reassuring me that it is normal.  I have told DH that she needs to do these things on her own and she does when she is at the house with me.  He becomes defensive and says that he doesn't want her to grown up too fast.  I am completely against doing things for children that they can do for themselves.  I am the oldest of four and we were always made to do things for ourselves.  She whines when I make her start her own shower and says she doesn't know how, she will stand in the bathroom and eventually start it and get in.  (We have a normal shower, nothing confusing about it.)  She wears shoes that she doesn't have to tie when she is with me, because I have told her I will not tie an eleven year old shoes.