Objective Work Opinions Needed - Am I being whiney?

NavyMom77

Sorry such a long post from a lurker, but I need some objective advice on what's realistic to expect with the work/mommy juggle!

Our situation: I work for a big company in our area and have been there for about three years. The commute each way is 45min-1 hour. My boss is awesome and has been flexible when appointments and such for DS or myself come up - many times she'll let me work from home on those days to save the commute time. Generally, this might happen once a month. My job is pretty independent project oriented with a few meetings here and there. I'm currently working on my Masters (about halfway through) with the goal having been to work in that field for the same company when I finish in 18 months or so, but whether or not that job will exist then is up in the air or if/how my current company will be able to utilize me in that field. DH is military and currently attached to a ship that is in dock, which means his hours are crazy and we can't split daycare pick-ups/drop-offs so it basically comes down to me. A deployment next year means it's TOTALLY up to me for 9-12 months. Work hours are a strict 8-5, which means I have to leave RIGHT at 5 to make it in time for daycare pickup and a long day for DS there already, and commute times mean I haven't been able to participate in activities at DS school.

Recently, I asked my boss about skipping lunch one day a week for a few weeks so I can leave at 4:30 to get DS to soccer practice at 5:45. She told me that she can't be quite as flexible anymore since she has more people working for her now, and days working from home will probably be gone when we move offices (and are closer to the higher-ups) next week. On top of that, policies at the new office forbid eating at our desk. This is a big deal because currently I use my lunch break to eat and study privately in my office, or run errands then eat while working if needed. Basically, this is like losing up to 5 hours a week (I don't always have time to take a lunch break).

With the amount of appointments and such a LO requires and just plain trying to keep up with life (laundry, cleaning, shopping, studying - all of which I'm not doing so great at now!) I'm considering making a change after she arrives. Either seeing if working as a part-time/contract employee at my current company is an option (iffy), looking for a closer job or staying home and finishing my Masters during LO's first year then finding something in that field. It would be tight, but doable.

 Am I just being whiny and this is the norm all working mom's juggle, or am I being realistic in thinking I should look at other options? Any insight is appreciated - thank you, ladies!

Nechie122

First I'm going to assume you're paying for your own Master's because often tuition help comes with strings attached.

If that's the case, I think it's reasonable to look for something else closer to home or with the ability to flex your hours. Can't hurt to see what's out there, right?

Your other option would be to use a nanny instead of daycare. With that commute and your DH's deployment, it might be worth the extra cost for peace of mind.

jf198400

You did not mention whether your current company is paying for your Masters or not.  If they are, then I'm sure you have some commitment to stay for a certain period of time, and you would probably have to suck it up.  If not, then I think you have to do what's best for you.  My DH is not military, but he works long hours and has a long commute, so he is gone up to 14hrs/day a lot.  All DC dropoffs and pickups are on me.  I used to have an hour commute, and it was killing me.  I couldn't manage that and all the housework and childcare for 2 young kids.  I switched jobs to be closer to home.  My new job is very flexible.  I'm 10mins from DC so I can go to their activities during the day.  I can run errands at lunch.  I can work from home one day a week.  I am so happy I made the switch.  Another possibility if you don't want to leave your company is that you could move closer to work to save time on commuting, obviously that's a much bigger change to make.  Good Luck I know it's tough.

laurakaz13

Nechie122:

First I'm going to assume you're paying for your own Master's because often tuition help comes with strings attached. If that's the case, I think it's reasonable to look for something else closer to home or with the ability to flex your hours. Can't hurt to see what's out there, right? Your other option would be to use a nanny instead of daycare. With that commute and your DH's deployment, it might be worth the extra cost for peace of mind.

DH and I are both military, so as you can imagine we have tough schedules at times.  DH is currently 3 months into an 8-10 month deployment. 

I would definitely look into hiring a nanny instead of daycare.  That way you won't feel like you're rushing to pick the LO's up.  Also, agree that you should get a cleaning person and go for faster meals.  

In your case, the commute is a big deal breaker for me.  I commuted an hour each way at my last assignment and it really affected my quality of life.  It was tough and I would not have been able to continue it with a child.  

I would definitely look for a new job or think of going for my Master's full-time. 

shannm

I don't think you are being whiney.  But it is the norm and we all have to juggle and make choices this way.  If you have other options, of course it makes sense to consider them and how they would benefit your family.

NavyMom77

Thank you, ladies - this is helping a lot to give me different perspectives. We are paying for my Masters ourselves - my company has a 7-year commitment after schooling required for tuition assistance, and it didn't seem logical considering DH could be stationed elsewhere during that time. And moving isn't an option right now - we own and bought here because DH is commuting 30 min the opposite direction, so it was somewhat in the middle. As of now, we're holding both a FT and a PT DC spot for LO so we have all our bases covered. The toughest part is my company can be very volatile, so even if I'm promised a PT spot that may go away if the CEO decides on a different direction. They eliminated one girls position while she was on maternity leave and only have two corporate people - both working moms - working part time. I'm just having a hard time even mustering up the courage to talk to my boss about options (although she made me swear to talk to her before I make any decisions to leave - she's scared I won't be coming back at all) because I don't want to be seen as a wuss if I suggest anything other than full-time.

IBackBevo

I did a 45 min-1 hour commute (each way) for 3.5 years and it sucked.  After LO came, it sucked even more. Luckily, I only had to do it about 2 months because my firm moved closer to home. I knew we were moving so it was doable.  Honestly, I don't think it hurts to look at other options--either going part-time (if that is an option) or finding something closer to home.  My DH isn't deployed but he frequently works 6 days a week and doesn't get home until 7-8 in the evening.  I have frequently said that if I was still working full-time and had my old commute that I don't think I could do it. I guess I could do it if I *had* to do it, but I would have been miserable.  I can't even imagine doing it with a husband who is deployed and isn't around at all and with two kids. 

brettsmama

shannm:

I don't think you are being whiney. nbsp;But it is the norm and we all have to juggle and make choices this way. nbsp;If you have other options, of course it makes sense to consider them and how they would benefit your family.

This exactly. My DH is in a full time school program with no flexibility. I recently changed jobs to be sure I can be more of available than I was when I had an hour commute each way.

ridesbuttons

You are not being whiney.  But your employer has no obligation to make any accommodation.

Your commute blows, no question, but that is not your employer's concern.

Your life requirements (laundry - everybody has laundry, cleaning, shopping: ditto) don't hold water.

If your concerns are driven by your child care situation, then consider changing your child care.  Nanny or better yet, nanny-share seems like a great fit.

Is it health and safety that forbids you to eat at your desk or just internal policy?  Does that mean no coffee?  No mid-afternoon granola bar?  Or are they just enforcing a mid-day break to ensure compliance with labour regulations?  If you are better served by eating a sandwich at your desk, think about approaching your supervisor and just giving her/him the low-down on why this works for you.  Just a thought.

itsmevkb

You're always going to be juggling something, even if you stay at home.

My job used to have flex time, where I could come in early and/or stay late and then take that time off some other day.  Unfortunately, my boss ended that a few years back, of course right at the time I was started to really need it.  I was and still am disappointed in that but just make the best out of it.  After returning from maternity leave this time around, I began using 2 hours of my vacation time each Tuesday afternoon as a way to sort of catch up on things.  It's amazing what I can get done in just that little bit of extra time.  Would you be able to do something like that, if not every week then every other?

I don't understand that not eating at your desk.  We have a no smelly foods at your desk rule since it's an open office but no-one cares if you're eating a turkey sandwich.  Although, we are encouraged to not work through our lunch breaks so maybe that is more your companies concern.

KL777

I don't think your being whiny at all.  Having your husband on deployment while you work FT and having a long commute, AND being a grad student---that is a lot on your plate.

I vote for SAHM and finishing your masters.

hoping4sticky

I know that personally, I could not do a 2 hour commute, work full-time, have 2 kids, go to school and have DH deployed. I've done all at some point, but never combined, that is a ton on your plate. TON.

Personally, I would not be a fan of a job with no flexibility - can't eat at your desk, really why? Does that also include snacks, drinks? I find this to be ridiculous. But this is coming from someone with a ton of flexibility. My DH is military and I dropped to PT with 2x a WFH when I had DD and then when he PCS'd  I was able to go to FT WFH with my PT schedule. I love it, but I do realize that I'm in a precarious position, especially in this economy. I would look at other options, if I were you, but mainly because I couldn't juggle all of that. If you keep it up, I would see about outsourcing as much as you can. GL

smiling76

I have many of the SAME issues as you--including feeling like a single parent due to DH's job.  So I know how you feel.  I had finally made the decision to leave my job, which was very tough--and when I went to talk to the boss about it, we actually got to talking.....and I got to stay on part-time (which is what I wanted but NEVER dreamed he'd go for).  I got a salary cut but my hours are great.  It's what I needed truthfully for my sanity and more so, to take care of DS1 who has some special needs--and then it was great when DS2 came along. 

Keep an open mind, talk to your boss about options--and see if you can make it work (if you want).;....otherwise find what you REALLY want.  Life is too short and you don't want regrets.

 

honeybee72

ridesbuttons:

You are not being whiney.  But your employer has no obligation to make any accommodation.

Your commute blows, no question, but that is not your employer's concern.

Your life requirements (laundry - everybody has laundry, cleaning, shopping: ditto) don't hold water.

If your concerns are driven by your child care situation, then consider changing your child care.  Nanny or better yet, nanny-share seems like a great fit.

Is it health and safety that forbids you to eat at your desk or just internal policy?  Does that mean no coffee?  No mid-afternoon granola bar?  Or are they just enforcing a mid-day break to ensure compliance with labour regulations?  If you are better served by eating a sandwich at your desk, think about approaching your supervisor and just giving her/him the low-down on why this works for you.  Just a thought.

Pretty much this. We all have these types of issues to manage.

I am very lucky my company/manager allows me the flexibility they do so I can do what I need to do for my family. The company does set core hours during which I am expected to be here and I am still expected to work 40 hours/week, but I am a salaried employee which means I don't punch a clock. It's up to individual managers to ensure their employees are not abusing that flexibility so, even under the same circumstances, my situation could be different. I have only really come to appreciate it since becoming a parent.

As far as the lunch thing goes, my guess is that it is a company policy to prevent abuse of the "I worked through lunch so I can leave early" excuse.

IBackBevo

Please come back and update us on what you end up deciding.

Honestly, after thinking about it some more - 2 kids+2 hour commute+DH on deployment+grad school+inflexible job would be enough to put me in the looney bin.  If I were in your shoes, I would try to go part-time or look for another job closer to home and/or that has more flexibility.  Something else to consider (too) is that if you do find another job, your current employer may be more willing to provide some flexibility rather than lose you. 

I have a friend who works for a large corporation. She recently went to her employer asking for a raise (she was making about 20% below market) or the opportunity to take on more responsibility to make more money.  She was basically rebuffed.  Then she found another job.  When she gave her notice, all of the sudden they were offering her everything she had requested and more.  By then she was already ready to move on, but it just goes to show that if you are a good employee sometimes they will accommodate you rather than lose you.

NavyMom77

Thank you so much, ladies!

First of all, the no food at your desk is NO FOOD period. Snacks, candy, meals, etc. It's a new building, and I think the CEO is wanting to create a bit of his version of workplace utopia that doesn't include walking by somebody eating Doritos. It's both understandable and a bit unrealistic. There is a nice breakroom, and on the bright side I got to see 10 minutes of Rachel Ray while snacking on a granola bar this morning. 

I completely agree that it's NOT my company's responsibility to adapt to my schedule - I think what I'm realizing is that I either need a more flexibile place with this long commute, or a shorter commute with a less flexible place. I'm realizing I'm struggling with wanting to have it all without having to make a big change. It's nice to get a little validation that this is a lot to juggle, and it probably can be juggled better with a few changes. The note above about doing it all while keeping my sanity hit home! And DH said tonight that his deployment might be moved up to January, which means he'd be leaving right at the time I return to work from maternity leave and LO is about 3 months old. This will be our first deployment, although I single-mom-ed it with a preschooler for 2 years. I think I just need to muster up the courage to talk to my boss in the next few weeks about part-time options - 3 days a week or contract work.

Thank you for your help, ladies - all thoughts are very much appreciated!

*sparky*

KL777:

I don't think your being whiny at all.  Having your husband on deployment while you work FT and having a long commute, AND being a grad student---that is a lot on your plate.

I vote for SAHM and finishing your masters.

Agree wholeheartedly...you are taking on too much IMO.