Setbacks the last few days...

MommytoAngel

I had been doing my best to recover emotionally and had been doing pretty well... I had come to some peace when the midwife told me the placenta showed signs of infection although I was wondering what I could've done to prevent it but at least I didn't think my body had just decided to kick my healthy baby out early in very preterm labor... 3 days later at my follow up with the ob said he believed the infection was obtained in the 45 hours bt his birth and the d and e... Sooo I'm back to hating my body for kicking out and killing my little boy... Then we went to some yard sales Saturday morning and I couldn't help but feel bitter at all the baby things for sale that I should be shopping for... This morning I woke up early kind of mad wondering if the early contractions could've been stopped if they had done a vaginal exam and not just an ultrasound when I came in with the "weird pains and spotting."

I thought I was moving forward but I'm so mad that I don't still have my little boy here dancing around in my belly and wondering if they could've done more. I see so many stories of cerclages being placed at the stage I was at and other ways to stop early labor and I wish they had looked harder

BrittianyM

I cant imagine how you feel. We lost our baby girl when she was 11 weeks old on the 9th. They are very much both losses and what we feel is different. I just want you to know that I am here for you if you ever need to talk. I have been told time makes it easier but I am not there yet. Its normal to play the dreaded what ifs and to be angry. Just dont let it consume you or the memories of the time you had with your precious little boy in your tummy. He will always be a part of you and with you.

MommytoAngel

Thank you! It is hard... I'm sorry about you losing your baby girl too... I was doing better... Just had a bad couple of days. Hopefully it will get better again soon. I have to meet with MFM and the high risk ob on the 30th and I'm thinking that will be a rough time too... Hopefully we will get the go ahead to try again then but that will be bittersweet and I know even if we're successful we'll think about John... I'm hoping we will be successful fairly quick and it will hopefully give us something to look forward to...

Thanks for being willing to listen and I'll be happy to listen about your little girl too!

shandorfml2

Anger is very natural. I was there for a while. I still go back to it frequently, especially with the baby stuff. Totally get it. The what if's could drive you insane sweetie. I do the same thing "if they have just induced me earlier," or whatever. Nothing we can do about it, so torturing ourselves with the what ifs only hurts us more and I'm sure our angels don't want that.

(((hugs))))

MommytoAngel

shandorfml2:

Anger is very natural. I was there for a while. I still go back to it frequently, especially with the baby stuff. Totally get it. The what if's could drive you insane sweetie. I do the same thing "if they have just induced me earlier," or whatever. Nothing we can do about it, so torturing ourselves with the what ifs only hurts us more and I'm sure our angels don't want that.hugs

I know but no one can tell me how to cut those thoughts off

fluttergirlmoonchild79

***SIGGY WARNING***

 

Welcome to the horrible world of grief.  You start to feel like you're doing ok and maintaining and then BAM!  You're right back where you were or angry or whatever.  I always say this grief is like trying to crawl out of a hole. You start to make progress out of it and then you slip and you're right back where you started.  2nd guessing yourself and what-if'ing yourself is also very common and ok.  It's ok to be angry - we all have that right.  It's ok to be sad - we have the right.  FWIW, I'm almost a year and a half out and I'll feel like I'm doing ok and then I have days or weeks or months where I'm not.  It just happens and honestly I've found it's best just to sort of "go with it."  With time you will stop being angry for at least a while and a new set of emotions will kick in.  The whole grief in stages thing isn't a straight line - it very much moves in a circle. 

Wishing you peace and love.

cawettig

I am so sorry... 

My Dr emailed me about a week ago telling us what the autopsy report showed on Arianna. I also had a placental infection with other things. I am going through periods where I blame my self for her death. We left the Drs office with her heart beating right to the hospital for a csection and with in 15 mins Arianna's heart stopped beating with no reason as to why. I hold my belly and wait for her to say hello to me in the mornings... My chest burns when nothing moves and all I am left with is a saggy belly where she once was. 

I wish my Dr would have noticed something wrong also. He is one of the top high risk Drs at our hospital. I absolutely love him, trust him and will be his patient for the future pregnancies. However I will always have that wish in the back of my head because I have nothing to hold on to, reasoning and physical/emotional wise.

Hang in there, I'm there with you in all of what you are feeling too.  

MommytoAngel

Thanks fluttergirl and cawettig...

I am really trying... I really like the midwife too but today I've been stuck on "if only shed done a pelvic exam..." I know it'll get better but ugh... I'm just glad for the support here and to know I'm not alone...

jmlind

You're definitely not alone! These what ifs never stop. No matter what you discover, you end up blaming yourself. When I thought it was random, I was scared about my ability to carry a child. I later discovered both my baby and I had an infection, and now it seems that I'm highly prone to infections because of an autoimmune disease, so now I'm once red that none of my children will ever make it. We just tend to blame ourselves, or think the worst. I wish I could tell you how to bet rid of those thoughts but I don't know how either... Just know that we're all here