How do you deal with LO saying mean things?

honeybee111

DD(3) has been in preschool since beginning of Jan. this year.  She goes to Montessori, and is in the primary class, so she is one of the younger kids.  The class is for 3-6 year olds.  Lately, she's been saying mean things to DH and I when we're doing something she doesn't like.  Her favorite phrases are, "I'm going to tell on you." and "I'm not talking to you."  Both said with total attitude.  She told me that some kids in her class told her these phrases.  So far, we've been telling her those are not nice things to say to people.  DH thinks we need to follow that with an action - like, if you want to say those things, you have to go to your room and say them by yourself, not in front of mommy and daddy.  Or put her in time out or something.  We haven't had to use time out in over half a year, so maybe we need to go back to it?  Or try something new since she's older now?

LoveEeyore

One of three ways depending on what you think her motive is:

1.  If she is trying to push your buttons, ignore. Ignore.  Ignore.  She knows it's not nice.  You've communicated that, she understands that.  She knows it even before she's about to say it.  A lecture is not going to make that more meaningful, and conveys that she succeeded in her mission.

2.  If she is trying it on for size, to see what it means, being a booger, grant her permission.  "Alrightie, Dear, here is Mr. Buttons the clown.  He was just waiting to hear from you.  Tell away!" And continue with what you were doing.  Or. "WHAT??? Then who said that??" And turn around looking for someone who just said that.  If she is experimenting, she is doing exactly what she SHOULD be doing as a 3 yr old.  They have to figure out how things work. And forcing yourself to be silly is a great way to force yourself to keep your cool.

3.  If she is trying to escape what's going on, perhaps you're giving her directions and she doesn't want to stop playing, or you deny a request, then  I would have her repeat the acceptable way of saying it, have her repeat, and resume with what your were saying with her.  Meaning-  "Nope, try again, 'Mommy may I have another minute/will you please help me clean up' (whatever it is you think she is trying to communicate)= (have her repeat) and then acknowledge her polite request and answer her but then finish what you were saying when she lashed out.  

#3 is how I handle pretty much everything in our house, and have since the 18 month tantrums.  I think it is having an emotional response that incapacitates their word finding skills. It is not a natural skill to have an emotion, pause, and use polite words.    So when they sass, or whine, or experiment with garbage they hear at school, or argue, I want to give them the tool, so next time they feel that way they have practiced a prosocial way of handling it. Now that they are 5.5, 4 and 4, I can just give the look and say "Nope try again."  I think it has been effective with my kiddos and they only time I hear that kind of stuff is when they are fighting each other- and that is a whole new beast, lol.

 

ETA: I think when she is not being naughty, it might warrant a discussion of what she could say when a child says that to her.  I taught my daughter to say "Great idea!" to that kind of garbage.  If she is doing what she should at school, then there's nothing to tell. 

 

groovygrl

DS tells me pretty much every single morning that he doesn't like me and/or is mad at me and doesn't "want to be my friend" or doesn't want to be around me, etc... this is usually in response to him asking if today is a school day & I say yes...I ignore it anymore in that context since it is every day but when he says it about other things, I usually try to change it to an emotion he can label- I know you are frustrated/angry/upset with me because I made you put the toys away/wouldn't let you have a treat/we can't go outside right now, etc. just to model the better way to say these things.  I figure he is usually doing 1 of 2 things, experimenting w/ the reaction from saying those things for the sake of saying them or expressing anger in a way that he thinks will hurt my feelings or b/c he isn't sure what to say (though he is pretty emotive and uses emotion words a lot so I'm not sure that is usually it).

 

LSU628

Ugh. We are also in the same phase. If DD gets mad at me she tell me "You're not my friend anymore" or "You're the worst best friend EVER". DH is really quick to correct her and tell her that he cannot say mean things like that to her mother or she will go to her room. We also explain how saying mean things hurts other people's feelings and makes people not want to play with you so hopefully she will not say those sorts of things to her peers at school.

jlw2505

I think it really depends.  Kids do stuff like this for attention so at times, just ignoring it will work as when they see you not react, they move onto something else.  A simple, please talk to me in the way you want to be spoken to type of comment and again, keeping it simple and moving on.  Books!  We have had our share of issues with my 5 year old and we take out books from the library that talk about being nice to others, some fall under the whole bullying section but are really geared towards the preschool group.  Talk to the librarian or a teacher for suggestions that would fit your child.  We use a lot of "treat others as you wish to be treated" comments and it really works - a simple "Would you like it if I spoke to you like that?" gets my DD to think about how she is talking to me and if she says "Yes", I go ahead and talk to her in the same tone and then she realized how she sounds.  I rarely if ever have done a time out for something like.    At ages 5 and almost 7 years, timeouts are not used much at all, mainly if the girls need a break from each other.