consequences / discipline (longish)

SusieBW

I know that people always say it's harder for the parents than the kids, but OMG.  How do you handle your kids being SO UPSET about discipline?  And also, what kind of discipline do you use with your kids?  Examples?

DD has always been really good about learning consequences, and modifying her behavior accordingly, and that has been working very well for us so far.  A good example is how it only took a couple of bathtimes ending the minute she stood up in the tub for her to learn not to stand up in the tub until it's time to get out.

We've been working really hard on her brushing her teeth, and a regular consequence that she understands is that if she doesn't cooperate and let us help with her teeth at bedtime, there are no stories before bed.  Last night, brushing her teeth was a knock down drag out fight that ended with her saying she was okay with going straight to bed because she didn't want me to touch her toothbrush at all, and she only wanted to lick the toothpaste off.  But she didn't mean it.  She was so, so sad about going right to bed last night - that wicked sad, pleading cry, and the "maaaammmmyyyy" whining.  Gah.  I die.  It only took her about 5-10 minutes to calm down and go to sleep, but what an agonizing 5-10 minutes that was! 

And then I had DH standing in the kitchen with me, listening to this sobbing from down the hall, telling me maybe she's still too young for consequences like this.  Maybe we should go in and read her a story after all.  Maybe we've let her cry long enough to learn her lesson . . . and then she stopped and went to sleep, and we ate dinner.  After dinner I went in to check on her and she half woke up and rolled over and let me fix her blankets and said night-night and everything was completely fine.  WDYT?  Are we wrong in enforcing consequences like this?

solsburyhill

I think the consequence has to match the offense in order for it to sink in at this age.

We also have a bath rule - standing or pouring water out of the tub result in immediate ending of bath time.  But that's an immediate consequence that matches the offense IMO.

Same with playing outside - if you try to run into the street, outside play is over and we go inside. 

I don't think Augie would understand that being naughty with his toothbrush = no bedtime stories.  They seem disconnected.  Plus I think he's too young to be sent to bed in trouble.  Just my first reaction opinion.  But if T gets it, that's another story.

 

I also only let consequences/being in trouble last a few minutes.  Like if he's upset bathtime ended abruptly, I let him cry about it while explaining how he was naughty but by the time he's dried, diapered, and in jammies, it's time to move on.  So I will comfort him, he's no longer in trouble.  He served his punishment and now it's time to go back to normal.  Another reason I'd have a hard time sending him to bed in trouble.

But DH also thinks I'm a softie so ...

I have rules with consequences and I do enforce them, but I don't let the punishment drag on the way DH is willing to, at some point he's just a 19 month old still trying to figure it all out.  I'm not a pushover IMO because I stick to my guns, but I don't get too hard on him.

SusieBW

MsGrace2003:

Has she understood the whole teeth brushing/no story thing up until now?  If she's been understanding it, I would stick with it.  They're definitely at the age where they're testing boundaries, and consistency is key in good discipline.  However, if this was a first time thing, maybe she truly didn't understand why she wasn't getting her bedtime story, and that's why she was so upset.

She has been understanding the no teeth - no story thing, yes.  Usually, when DH or I are trying to brush her teeth, if she gets testy about it, we say "If you don't cooperate and let me help with your teeth, we won't read stories tonight" or "Do you want to read stories tonight?" or something like that, and she generally then cooperates.  If she doesn't, then we're done and no stories.  Last night was exceptional in that she was swatting at my hand and squirming out of my lap, and being a lot more obstinate that she has ever been, and also not even attempting to brush her own teeth, which she usually does.  So it went from no stories (usual) to no rocking and straight to bed (unusual).  Normally, when she gets no stories, we will still sit and rock with her for a few minutes and sing songs or something, but last night was straight to bed.  And you're right, I'm not sure she understood what it meant when we told her straight to bed.

In the end, she was only upset for 5-10 minutes like I said, and she woke up and said good night when I went in and everything was fine.  I didn't put her down mad, either - I explained to her and stood holding and swaying her in the dark for 10 minutes or so and gave her hugs and kisses and everything before I put her down, but she wanted to sit and rock and that's why she was upset.

jen4ny

I feel for you SusieBW. It is so tough to see them upset. We have been dealing with biting here. Luckily he isn't biting at daycare but he will bite or scratch DH and I if he gets mad at us. I have been giving him time outs for that- one minute long. I ended up putting him in the crib for the time out because he won't stay put anywhere else. A pediatrician at work told me to use the crib. 

As for the teeth- A fights brushing his as well. This may not be the right thing to do but I force it. He yells about it and when his mouth is open I just get the toothbrush in there. I think that the no bedtime story is okay to do since she understands it. A has been pushing his boundaries a lot more recently and I am guessing it is the age. We are getting close to those so called "terrible 2's."  

vnstacie

I am probably just a big softy in some instances, but I wouldn't put O to bed in trouble. I struggle to brush her teeth, but always get it done, even if i have to hold her down lol.

I know that with O she will say she understands everything I say, but I know that she may really not get it. So T may have understood that no teeth brushing meant no story at the time, but by the time you got to bed she may have forgotten. KWIM?

I am a believer in the time out = age thing. So if O did something like stepped on her brothers head for the 3rd time, I'd take her away from the situation for 1 minute and explain that she cannot do that. Then we are back to playing. 

They are testing boundaries at this stage, so do what it is you feel works for you and your family.  

babyAutumn

solsburyhill:

I think the consequence has to match the offense in order for it to sink in at this age.

I agree but I think that for any age not just this one.  

We have similar consequences for the bath.  If you throw the toys and/or water out of the tub, bathtime is over.  If he's in the sandbox and throws sand out of the box at his sibblings, the sandbox is closed for the rest of that play period.  As for teeth, when C really does not want us to brush we ask him if he wants to do it the easy way (he opens wide and we brush) or the hard way (Daddy holds his hands down while Mommy opens his mouth to brush his teeth).  We had to do it the hard way once and never again.  It is always his choice but both options get the desired result...clean teeth.  What I found helped a lot was putting stars on the mirror in a frame like square and having him open his mouth to check his mouth out in the "tooth camera".  It seems to work for us.

 Good luck...uncooperative LO's when we need to do what is best for them is tough.

valzee

babyAutumn:

solsburyhill:

I think the consequence has to match the offense in order for it to sink in at this age.

What I found helped a lot was putting stars on the mirror in a frame like square and having him open his mouth to check his mouth out in the "tooth camera".  It seems to work for us.

omg GENIUS! Off to buy sticky stars...