How did you know you only wanted one?

jls5121

Hi all! I'm Jen. Nice to meet you!

Just a question - how did you know you only wanted one baby? Or maybe you didn't CHOOSE to only have one, but I'd love to know what you find the benefits to be.

My hubby and I are trying for a second, and the longer it takes to conceive, the more time I have to really think about it, and the thing is, I'm not so sure anymore! I go back and forth; I want my LO to have a brother or sister because I grew up with a little brother and we were/are really close, so I want that for her - the socialization, compromise skills, playmate, sounding board, best friend, and not to mention, the fact that they can eventually play with each other while I do MY thing. On the other hand, my LO is absolutely perfect and I love the one-on-one time I get with her now - I don't want to risk losing that or having her get jealous (which I know is inevitable). There's also the increased lack of sleep and DECREASE in available funds as soon as I'm sending two to day care.

I'd love to know what everyone things the costs and benefits are of only have one kiddo.

Thanks!

EastCoastBride

TBH, just read the many posts on this board that talk about these exact issues.

I didn't fully choose.  IF, $$, age, life schedules - it all brings us to be OAD.

we were/are really close, so I want that for her - the socialization, compromise skills, playmate, sounding board, best friend, and not to mention, the fact that they can eventually play with each other while I do MY thing.

To all of the above:

First, there are no guarantees.  You're close to your brother.  This may not happen w/ your kids.  You just don't know.  Chances are they probably would be, but... I know plenty of people (myself and DH included) who are NOT close to their sibling. 

Then the socialization, compromise skills, etc- my DS gets all that.  Through daycare and preschool.   The friend aspect - he's too young to really have a "best friend" - but we'll see how that plays out as he gets older.  But I expect he's going to be a good kid who makes friends and will probably develop at least one close friendship w/ someone.

The playing together... many parents talk about how they actually spend their time refereeing.  AND if your kids aren't really "close" - they may not play w/ one another.  

And hell, my one and only actually shares better than any of the THREE kids my one friend has.  

In the end, this is a very, very personal choice and you have to do what is right for your family.  You just have to understand that 1- there are no guarentees, and 2- only having one doesn't mean that they won't get a lot of the above.  

missymo

MMHaveMyHeart:

This topic has been discussed a lot.

This! Ha ha. I guess we really do need that sticky post.

Short answer: It's honestly like any decision in life. We just considered the pros and cons and made the best choice for our family. Unless you take permanent measures, which I don't think many do until they are positive, it's really easy to be OAD and then change your mind. Not so much the other way around. Can't put a kid back! Lol.

ETA: also, like you, I have the storybook adult sibling relationship. We are all very, very close. Best friends truthfully. It doesn't affect my decision though because I personally don't want another child. My daughter potentially loving a sibling doesn't change that.

eyenigh

We knew before I was even pregnant that we only wanted one. My miserable pregnancy reinforced that even more and now that my son is here, we couldn't imagine loving anyone else like we love him. We're absolutely complete. 

eyenigh

EastCoastBride:

TBH, just read the many posts on this board that talk about these exact issues.

I didn't fully choose.  IF, $$, age, life schedules - it all brings us to be OAD.

we were/are really close, so I want that for her - the socialization, compromise skills, playmate, sounding board, best friend, and not to mention, the fact that they can eventually play with each other while I do MY thing.

To all of the above:

First, there are no guarantees.  You're close to your brother.  This may not happen w/ your kids.  You just don't know.  Chances are they probably would be, but... I know plenty of people (myself and DH included) who are NOT close to their sibling. 

Then the socialization, compromise skills, etc- my DS gets all that.  Through daycare and preschool.   The friend aspect - he's too young to really have a "best friend" - but we'll see how that plays out as he gets older.  But I expect he's going to be a good kid who makes friends and will probably develop at least one close friendship w/ someone.

The playing together... many parents talk about how they actually spend their time refereeing.  AND if your kids aren't really "close" - they may not play w/ one another.  

And hell, my one and only actually shares better than any of the THREE kids my one friend has.  

In the end, this is a very, very personal choice and you have to do what is right for your family.  You just have to understand that 1- there are no guarentees, and 2- only having one doesn't mean that they won't get a lot of the above.  

And also all of this! 

KL777

I see how much patience is needed to raise DS, and on top of that, I then went back to work after 3 years of SAH, and I knew that I could not juggle all of that plus another child. 

Secondly, we would have to drastically change our lifestyle if we added another child---no more private school, less space in our house, less money for vacations and more money for a babysitter for our frequent date nights.

meo34

All of the above !  Like some there was no chocie to have more biological children and eventually there came acceptance of that.  THen we moved to considering adoption and that was more of a choice.  That is where we really evaluated where we were as a family and what we wanted.  Then we embraced it and the lifestyle/family dynamic associted with one and done.

 As othes said it is a very personal choice and I don't think either path is necessarily right or wrong but there are pros and cons and better fits for various situations.

I am very very close to my sister who is 1 year older than me but not close to my other sister who is quite a bit younger so you never know with siblings. 

salt78

I only ever wanted one. I want to be able to give my daughter every opportunity that I can and I don't think we could do that with more than one. I grew up an only child myself and liked it. Also knowing my own personality, I wouldn't be able to handle more than one child. We have the perfect child for us and our family feels complete.

chardonnay24

I didn't know I wanted one until I had one.

He's a high needs, demanding child. He has sensory processing disorder and a speech delay. He's hard to discipline. I cry weekly just from the sheer frustration of trying to manage him. So adding a newborn to that is really not an option at this point. I could not give him the attention he needs while giving a tiny baby the attention he will need.

We may reconsider when he is older, but we are OAD right now.

Shayna0182

I always say God chose for us, because I three prior pregnancies, with ds's birth included, and I had three massive placental abruptions.   After the last pregnancy, we were warned about the risks about trying again.

I took that info to heart, and we decided to accept that were one and done.  At this point, our lives are so busy, and ds has asd, so I couldn't imagine another baby around here anymore.   

 

salt78

EastCoastBride:

And hell, my one and only actually shares better than any of the THREE kids my one friend has.  

 This reminds me of something that happened today. The pool where DD takes her swim lessons has a public play area with a little play house. There were no other kids playing there. DD really wanted to go in the playhouse so I was waiting there for her to check it out and this little girl came over and snottily told her that it was HER house and then stood there glaring at her as she opened the door and went in anyway. Anyway, this girl was there with her family that included two siblings. Clearly sharing was not her strong point. 

dunlapbriggs

DH and I decided after DS came along that he would be the only one. 1) Cost - I eventually would like to recoup my $10k + a year I spend on daycare so that we can take family vacations and DS can enjoy the things I didn't have growing up. 2) I LOVE DS so much that I don't want to have to share myself with another baby. I choose to spend all my resources - literal and figurative - on making just one really good kid.  

JoAnna914

M&MHaveMyHeart said:

This topic has been discussed a lot. Lol

For DH & I.. the simplest way to explain it is that DS is an absolute joy. We are really spoiled with him. He is so easy going, funny, smart, amazing, adorable, so on & so on. He has fulfilled every aspect of us wanting a child before he came along. We have no desire for another one. He is our little buddy & it has just been so amazing with him, we can't imagine having any more.  

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

All of this exactly!!!!

KatieB19

Part of my desire to stop at one is how completely perfect my little boy is. I know having a second would change his life so very much, and would likely change who he turns out to be. It could be for better, but you never know, and I just can't do that.
***
I also feel guilt that, if we had a second, I wouldn't be able to devote as much time to him. They say having 2 means splitting your time in three: time with the kids together and time with each individually. And that is not time I am willing to sacrifice.
***
Finally, there is money and convenience. I won't have to worry about not putting him in a class because we wouldn't be able to afford two classes (I'd want to keep things "even"). Also, we travel a bit for dh's job and, while I've heard that as an argument for having siblings, honestly traveling is so not an issue with just our one. I imagine it'd be harder ( and more expensive) with two.

meo34

M&MHaveMyHeart said:

This topic has been discussed a lot. Lol

For DH & I.. the simplest way to explain it is that DS is an absolute joy. We are really spoiled with him. He is so easy going, funny, smart, amazing, adorable, so on & so on. He has fulfilled every aspect of us wanting a child before he came along. We have no desire for another one. He is our little buddy & it has just been so amazing with him, we can't imagine having any more.  

Love this reply.I give a whole list of reasons but I think this really gets to the heart of the matter and my son is eight!

firewife9278

EastCoastBride said:

TBH, just read the many posts on this board that talk about these exact issues.

I didn't fully choose.  IF, $$, age, life schedules - it all brings us to be OAD.

we were/are really close, so I want that for her - the socialization, compromise skills, playmate, sounding board, best friend, and not to mention, the fact that they can eventually play with each other while I do MY thing.

To all of the above:

First, there are no guarantees.  You're close to your brother.  This may not happen w/ your kids.  You just don't know.  Chances are they probably would be, but... I know plenty of people (myself and DH included) who are NOT close to their sibling. 

Then the socialization, compromise skills, etc- my DS gets all that.  Through daycare and preschool.   The friend aspect - he's too young to really have a "best friend" - but we'll see how that plays out as he gets older.  But I expect he's going to be a good kid who makes friends and will probably develop at least one close friendship w/ someone.

The playing together... many parents talk about how they actually spend their time refereeing.  AND if your kids aren't really "close" - they may not play w/ one another.  

And hell, my one and only actually shares better than any of the THREE kids my one friend has.  

In the end, this is a very, very personal choice and you have to do what is right for your family.  You just have to understand that 1- there are no guarentees, and 2- only having one doesn't mean that they won't get a lot of the above.  

I could have written exactly this. We want more kids, but it's not in our future. The longer we are a family of 3 (DD is 20 months old) the more we realize that we are a great family this way. But my ute still aches when I see newborns. I would do it again in a heartbeat if I could.