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elevenlove

Hi ladies, I've lurked here a bit & haven't seen answers to these questions...I hope you can help!

My husband & I have always talked about adopting, but seriously started looking into it recently. There's so much info and sources out there that it's easy to get overwhelmed.

For one, we're in our late twenties, and as far as we know, we're perfectly capable of adding to our family via another pregnancy. When people being asking about when we'll add to our family, we let them know not anytime soon, but that our next blessing will be by adoption. And it seems like people don't get why we would choose to adopt vs have more bio children. We both don't place anymore value on one over the other. We see adding children to our family either way as a huge blessing, and something that we are meant to do But when I hear of women who can't get pregnant I begin to feel greedy. Like we're taking away options from families who don't have that option. My husband assures me that there are more than enough babies, and they need more people willing to love them. Maybe it's just me over thinking things. Are these thoughts normal...well maybe not normal, but valid? Are there any moms in here that had a bio child & decided to grow their family through adoption the second time around? I'd love to hear from you!

We are a mixed race couple, and have a 13month old son. Race didn't even cross our minds adoption wise until we started visiting agency websites & noticed that some minority adoptions were cheaper than caucasian adoptions. It kind of rubbed me the wrong way! Is this normal? I get that some people feel that they may be raised better when surrounded by people with a similar background, but is it really that important? Most of those agencies also stated that they had more mixed race/minority children for placement, meaning the process might be quicker. So it really made us step back and assess the best way to go about this. Would it be better to adopt a child that is african american, hispanic, or a mix of the two? I hope this makes sense!

 

Thanks in advance

 

 

Dr.Loretta

Hi and welcome.

Your feelings are valid, and something we've heard here before. There are plenty of posters who have both bio and adopted children, as well as some who didn't even attempt TTC and felt adoption was their way to build a family. You'll always get people who are going to look at you funny or wonder why you'd choose that option, but as long as it's right for YOU it doesn't really matter what they think!

I guess I'm confused by your specific question regarding race. The reality is that, in a lot of regions, there are mixed race children who need homes, but not enough families who feel they can handle an interracial adoption. Whether that's due to their personal issues with race, issues with family members, or lack of diversity in their town/region. So agencies will find different ways to try and open up more homes for mixed race children, including a lower cost track for interracial adoptions. I'll agree it's not the ideal solution, and it rubs a lot of people the wrong way, but that's the solution they've found for now. You'll find as you go along in the process that you'll be asked what races you're open to, and you can simply state that you're open to any race, including biracial or mixed racial/ethnic backgrounds. Will it likely result in a shorter wait? Sure. But so will being open to different types of drug exposure and a host of other factors that you'll be asked to consider.

I hope that novel helped a little

kva11isho

Congratulations on your decision to adopt!  It really is a beautiful (and emotional) thing!

I think there are many, many reasons why people choose to adopt.  For my husband and me, we recently found out that we will be unable to have children without ICSI (if at all) and we aren't interested in pursuing treatment.  Some people have a hard time accepting the fact that we're not even trying treatment.  I understand where they are coming from, but it's a personal choice for everyone.  Why is how I decide to grow my family anyone's business but my own?  I think that if people question your desire to adopt you should explain it like you did in your post, if you feel compelled.  Once you get more comfortable with the idea you'll probably lose (some of) your worries about what other people think.  We haven't even been matched yet and I am very protective (slightly defensive) of our decision.  It's definitely normal to question yourself, though.  Work through your worries with your husband - he will become one of the only people who completely understands what you're going through.

 In your training you will probably learn more about race in adoption, and when you fill out your paperwork you will most likely be able to mark what races you are open to and which you don't feel open to.  It sounds bad and I felt horrible filling it out - if there was a child that I knew needed a home I would open my doors (and my heart) no questions asked.  When you're not in the heat of the moment, though you do have to think about how your child will respond to your family and your community (and vise versa) and how you will respond should your child be put in situations you are unfamiliar with.  Our trainer used the example of a Caucasian family adopting an African American (or any other ?minority? race, I suppose) child.  If that child is bullied for his race, the parents can obviously comfort the child but probably can't relate 100% because it's a situation they have never personally been involved in.  Others may or may not agree with that statement.

Everyone has their own reasons for what they pick (related to race and/or other possible characteristics), but from what I've heard the more open you are to various situations the more quickly you could possibly be matched.  That being said, we were told that we were 'fairly open compared to other families' who are using our agency, and we've still been waiting longer than some of them (but not that long in general - 5 months since home study was approved).  In the end it comes down to what the birth family is looking for.

I hope this helps and I hope that this comes across the way I'm hoping for it to.  It's a touchy subject and I'm certainly not trying to offend anyone.

 Good luck and feel free to visit our blog https://weareuntilforever.blogspot.com.

plus12012

My husband and I didn't try for very long to get pregnant before we decided to adopt. Medically I might have been able to get pregnant but I am an adoptee and adopting was something I always wanted to do.

We did adopt through an agency that had a minority adoption section that was less money than the adoption of a caucasian or latino child. Prior to adopting I in a professional capacity questioned this agenc y about this because adoption is not about selling babies. However, the reason that the prices were different was due to the shorter length of time and higher prevalence of minority babies to caucasian babies. They charge less because advertising on behalf of the families costs less and their services aren't needed as long. Once they explained this and laid it all out on paper I felt much more confident about their services and that there costs.

CaptainSerious

Hi, and welcome.

My husband and I adopted two sons from Peru without ever trying to conceive.  We both felt as though life has blessed us tremendously, and we wanted to share that with someone who might not otherwise get the same kind of chance in life.  When we started thinking about it and learning more about adoption, we realized that the best way to truly do that was to adopt older children.  Our boys were 7 and 5 when they joined our family, and they both have special needs.  Now, that our youngest has been with us for just over a year, we are pretty sure our family's complete, and we are very in love with one another and the life we share.

If this is what's in your heart, I would advise you to think of why you want to adopt.  If it is for a reason similar to ours, you may wish considering older child or special needs adoption.  The sad truth is that there is a "demand" for healthy infants, especially healthy white infants, and so there are actually more waiting families than there are babies (which is, as Dr. L. pointed out, why there is sometimes a cost difference and the wait is often shorter for non-white babies).