jealous

mommy2aaron2012

i work Mondays through Fridays from 9-530 at a job that's a long drive from my house. my bf doesn't work and stays home with our son. it wasn't a choice he lost his job after i had the baby. but i want to stay home. i loathe working and everyday its getting harder and harder for me to maintain. i come home to a dirty house and he expects me to just be on mommy mode as soon as i walk through the doors like i haven't worked all day. and when i bring this up to him he defends himself by saying well I've been home with the baby all day. i look at him like doing what? the dishes are dirty the clothes are dirty the bed is unmade, my sons diaper is dirty and you're playing the game. my son is 1 yr old. I try not to be mad at him but he's unsympathetic to how i feel sometimes. and i take on my mommy role most days with out question no matter how tired i am or how much i just want 5 minutes of me time. i want nothing more to be a stay at home mom, i hate working and i hate my job at this point. i'm just stuck...

AZ123

What about putting your LO with a family member during the day or daycare and have him go out and get a job so that you can stay home?

Sounds to me like he isn't a very good stay at home parent and I'd much rather my child be in a day care where I know that the diaper is getting changed and their only job is to care for my child.

kmh2201

DH and I both work, and therefore we split childcare and housework when we're home.  If one of us stayed home, the expectation would be that, first and foremost, the children would be cared for (clean diapers, generally clean bodies, do engaging activites), chores that could be done feasibly with 2 kids (e.g., laundry, dishes, vacuuming) would be done, and some errands run.  Even without being a SAHM, I know that not everything can get done everyday, but the majority of the time, things should get done around the house.  And not to say the working parent wouldn't ever help around the house, but I think the SAH parent needs to step up and take on most of daily management of the house.  If my DH was SAH, I would be pissed if I came home everyday to a messy house and dirty children.  That situation would end quickly.

I do like a PP's suggestion of trying to find a family member who would watch your LO for free so your BF can get a job. 

snuggle+monkey

So you're jealous of your sh!tty BF? Either he needs to shape up, or you need to find a new child care situation and he needs to go back to work. I get that some days are rough and all the laundry, dishes, etc. won't get clean. But if he was playing a video game when I got home from work and DS had a dirty diaper (and this seems to be a common occurence based on your OP), you best believe there'd be some changes a-comin'. If he'd do that knowing you're about to be home, I doubt he's some super-dad the rest of the day.

jf198400

kmh2201:

DH and I both work, and therefore we split childcare and housework when we're home.  If one of us stayed home, the expectation would be that, first and foremost, the children would be cared for (clean diapers, generally clean bodies, do engaging activites), chores that could be done feasibly with 2 kids (e.g., laundry, dishes, vacuuming) would be done, and some errands run.  Even without being a SAHM, I know that not everything can get done everyday, but the majority of the time, things should get done around the house.  And not to say the working parent wouldn't ever help around the house, but I think the SAH parent needs to step up and take on most of daily management of the house.  If my DH was SAH, I would be pissed if I came home everyday to a messy house and dirty children.  That situation would end quickly.

I do like a PP's suggestion of trying to find a family member who would watch your LO for free so your BF can get a job. 

I agree with all of this.  There are some days DH is home with the kids (he gets more holidays at his company than I do).  He generally just plays with the kids and nothing else gets done.  It annoys me b/c when I'm on my own with the kids I can maintain the house- laundry, dishes, dinner, etc.  He says that it's hard b/c he's not in a routine of being at home and doing those things.  I think to some extent this is true.  But your BF has been SAH for a while, it sounds like, so he should have his act together by now.  Also at 1yr old, I'm assuming your LO probably naps 1-2hrs/ day.  This means your BF should be getting at least SOMETHING done during naptime.  I get that SAH parent needs some downtime for themself during the day.  But he could take even just 15mins and get a load of laundry folded and put away the dishes.

Bottom line here is you need to have a sitdown with your BF and lay out reasonable expectations that you can both live with.  It doesn't sound like he's suited for the SAH parenting so maybe its time that he really focused on getting back into the job market.

mben1119

You have a lot of different things going on in your post, not the least of which is that you resent your partner for not pulling his weight. You need to sit him and and lay out your expectations of what a SAH parent does.

Second, you need a night, day, whatever away from home, work, and LO. Get a pedicure, see a movie, have a girls' night, whatever. It will give you perspective.

Last, he needs to get a job. Get a part time sitter, DCP, or something so he can go out and apply and interview for jobs. Get secure financially, then re-inspect your job. Maybe  part time would be a better fit? Or look for a new job that would make you happy.

WhitWed

My worry would more so be regarding the care, and development of your LO. My BIL was a SAHD for a few years while SIL worked long, hard hours. He would play video games or watch movies all day (sometimes with the kids, sometimes without).  When he got a job and it came time for the kids to be placed in school, they were very far behind.  My niece didn't test into the grade that they had anticipated she would and my nephew could not speak coherently and was held back from Pre-K. So I think the SAH parent should also be playing a major role in childhood development and not just looked at as a babysitter.  I know children all develop at different rates (especially around age 1), but not having any type of structure or learning activities may hinder.  So that is the first thing I'd address and then I'd slowly add in household maintenance.  Maybe you and DH could sit down and create a weekly schedule with input from both sides so that everyone's needs are being met.  Incorporate learning time with LO at a certain time each day and then have him do 1-2 chores during LO's nap time to start.  I wish you luck!

mommy2aaron2012

wow! i didnt expect feed back lol i didnt mean to sound like he's a bad parent i was very grumpy when i wrote this. he's a great dad really he is but like some of you pointed out he's not fit to be a stay at home daddy he needs to work he likes to work and i didnt realize that. i will sit down and talk with him we'll work out something. thanks everyone!!