The debate continues - is marriage work

Mar5195 · May 2013

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/vicki-larson/marriage-is-work_b_3269987.html

DaizyMay22 · May 2013

As if mommy wars wasn't enough, marriage wars... Really!?

jmccall79 · May 2013

Whether you call it work, challenging, difficult, not a walk in the park, stressful at times...I think the point is that marriage isn't just a "thing" you do and it's always great with no challenges, with no rough patches, with everything being just perfect 100% of the time! I think people are getting hung up on the word "work".

I'mGonnaMarryYou · May 2013

Personally I find it to be work. Not all of the time, but there are times when you don't see eye to eye and you have to compromise. Also, being that DH and I have been together 8 years we've found that we need to work harder every couple of years because we as individuals are changing and need to find a way to have those changes work for our marriage. Not sure if that makes sense...but, I do understand when people say marriage is work.

danac2010 · May 2013

I think marriage is work but it isn't work that I dread. This last year has been really tough on our marriage. I was ready to throw in the towel a little over a month ago. We just fought all the time and it was always about the same things. We are in counseling now. We have "homework" and we are able to talk more. I don't know what else I can call it except work because TBH it feels like work. I have to make a conscience effort to think about DH and to think before I comment. Again I don't mind the "work" at all but it is work all the same to me.

lancyjo · May 2013

I think whether marriage is work or not is a very personal thing, and the answer is going to be different for everyone. There is no right or wrong answer.

For me, marriage is not hard. We have a good thing going right now. I'm sure we'll encounter hard times eventually, but for now it's easy and happy.

After the last discussion about this, I asked hubs if he thought marriage was hard. He laughed, and said, "seriously? No. This might just be the easiest thing I've ever done." That's exactly how I feel.

MrMrsandBaby · May 2013

This quote makes me want to slap the author, "Saying it's hard somehow implies that it isn't worth it or that there are many parts of it that are bad."

So things that are hard aren't worth it to her? Childbirth? A good workout? Climbing a mountain? Folding a fitted sheet (ok, not worth it but still...)

Just...wow...ok.

kittyh8r · May 2013

This is what bothers me. She says that she hates feeling like people don't believe her when she says that she is happily married. I am very happily married, but it still takes work! WTF, I don't believe someone that says that they don't fight or have to work on things every once in a while. I don't believe you!! If you honestly don't argue, and I am not talking about screaming fits, I am talking about disagreements and frustration, I think you're suppressing something. Something isn't right.

MrMrsandBaby · May 2013

EmmaBoBemma:
This is what bothers me. She says that she hates feeling like people don't believe her when she says that she is happily married. I am very happily married, but it still takes work! WTF, I don't believe someone that says that they don't fight or have to work on things every once in a while. I don't believe you!! If you honestly don't argue, and I am not talking about screaming fits, I am talking about disagreements and frustration, I think you're suppressing something. Something isn't right.

I you for saying this! And 100% agree

lancyjo · May 2013

MrMrsandBaby:

EmmaBoBemma:
This is what bothers me. She says that she hates feeling like people don't believe her when she says that she is happily married. I am very happily married, but it still takes work! WTF, I don't believe someone that says that they don't fight or have to work on things every once in a while. I don't believe you!! If you honestly don't argue, and I am not talking about screaming fits, I am talking about disagreements and frustration, I think you're suppressing something. Something isn't right.

I you for saying this! And 100% agree

I'm sorry, you know I love you, but this pisses me off. REALLY bad. We rarely, barely ever disagree. I can't tell you the last time we had any sort of an argument, and they never last more than 5 minutes if we do. We just don't argue.

And, you're completely perpetuating what the author was saying... I'm saying that I have a blissful, happy marriage, that we don't argue or find it hard work, and you're telling me that you don't believe me and that I'm "suppressing something" and that "something isn't right". WHY? Is it seriously that hard to believe that two people who adore each other couldn't just get along 99% of the time?

Don't judge my (currently) efforless marriage just because yours may or may not take more work.

kittyh8r · May 2013

lancyjo:
MrMrsandBaby:

EmmaBoBemma:
This is what bothers me. She says that she hates feeling like people don't believe her when she says that she is happily married. I am very happily married, but it still takes work! WTF, I don't believe someone that says that they don't fight or have to work on things every once in a while. I don't believe you!! If you honestly don't argue, and I am not talking about screaming fits, I am talking about disagreements and frustration, I think you're suppressing something. Something isn't right.

I you for saying this! And 100% agree

I'm sorry, you know I love you, but this pisses me off. REALLY bad. We rarely, barely ever disagree. I can't tell you the last time we had any sort of an argument, and they never last more than 5 minutes if we do. We just don't argue.

And, you're completely perpetuating what the author was saying... I'm saying that I have a blissful, happy marriage, that we don't argue or find it hard work, and you're telling me that you don't believe me and that I'm "suppressing something" and that "something isn't right". WHY? Is it seriously that hard to believe that two people who adore each other couldn't just get along 99% of the time?

Don't judge my (currently) efforless marriage just because yours may or may not take more work.

I feel like I am coming off as a bitter wife. I seriously love being married. It was the best thing I ever did. My husband makes loving him easy. I have friends who have rushed into marriage thinking that love is going to make their marriage awesome, but what they don't realize is there are times (for me it was our first year of marriage) where you need more than love to make things work. That doesn't mean you're miserable, it just means sometimes you have to put more effort into loving your husband. I have 2 friends that have been married less than and are separated because I don't think they understood that there would be hard times.

I don't mean to offend you when I say that. I stand by what I say, though. I am not talking about arguing every day, I am talking about having some sort of a disagreement every once in a while.

When I say it takes work in our marriage, I am mostly referring to mornings when my husband wakes up singing and wanting to chit chat and all I want to do is punch his face. Clearly he is a morning person and I am not. We rarely fight anymore.

jmccall79 · May 2013

I agree that if it's "peachy" all the time, as in you never have a disagreement over anything, then there are some underlying issues there.

Lancy, that is not directed at you!!! I know you said your marriage is great...but I'd be willing to bet that you and Bob have disagreements, things you have to talk through, and compromise on. Right? Do you always agree on what you want for dinner? Do you always agree on what you might like to do this weekend? Do you always agree on what movie/tv show to watch? I bet there's compromising in there somewhere. So, for you to say that your marriage is great is not a bad thing at all, I think that's wonderful but I think a better word could be used to describe what "marriage" may be for you all...some 'effort' has to be put into it, right? An effort to do things for each other. An effort to compromise when he wants to play his video game but you'd rather watch a movie(though I know you're playing with him now). A conscious decision to think of each other instead of being selfish in everything you do. See, all those things fall under "work" in my book.

And I'm not saying that marriage being work is a bad thing. Again, I think the word "work" is what is the hang up for some here. Who likes to go to "work"? I sure as heck don't!!! So, for some, seeing marriage as "work" may make that a "bad" thing. Does that make any sense?

And who am I to say anything about marriage? I'm divorced, a single parent...so who am I? I don't have all the answers obviously butn when any marriage/relationship becomes a JOB that you despise, that's when the 'work' part of a marriage sucks. When the "work" part of a marriage isn't being done by both parties, that's when it sucks.

MrMrsandBaby · May 2013

lancyjo:
MrMrsandBaby:

EmmaBoBemma:
This is what bothers me. She says that she hates feeling like people don't believe her when she says that she is happily married. I am very happily married, but it still takes work! WTF, I don't believe someone that says that they don't fight or have to work on things every once in a while. I don't believe you!! If you honestly don't argue, and I am not talking about screaming fits, I am talking about disagreements and frustration, I think you're suppressing something. Something isn't right.

I you for saying this! And 100% agree

I'm sorry, you know I love you, but this pisses me off. REALLY bad. We rarely, barely ever disagree. I can't tell you the last time we had any sort of an argument, and they never last more than 5 minutes if we do. We just don't argue.

And, you're completely perpetuating what the author was saying... I'm saying that I have a blissful, happy marriage, that we don't argue or find it hard work, and you're telling me that you don't believe me and that I'm "suppressing something" and that "something isn't right". WHY? Is it seriously that hard to believe that two people who adore each other couldn't just get along 99% of the time?

Don't judge my (currently) efforless marriage just because yours may or may not take more work.

Lancy, I don't think I got the same impression from the OP. I understood it as there aren't two people on the entire planet who agree 100% on everything all the time and if they say they do, they are either lying or in denial.

Matt and I had a virtually effortless marriage for the first 5 or 6 years...but the last 4 have been tough. I can already see us turning the corner back to easy though. Will it last another 5 years? Most likely no. But now we are aware of how to work with each other to get through the rough parts so it will be less effort to get back to easy.

In my opinion and experience, I think all marriages takes some work at some point in time. Maybe not all the time and maybe not a lot of it - but yes, some work. To be overly literal - work is "exertion or effort directed to produce or accomplish something" so any effort put into marriage is work (technically speaking).

lancyjo · May 2013

EmmaBoBemma:
lancyjo:
MrMrsandBaby:

EmmaBoBemma:
This is what bothers me. She says that she hates feeling like people don't believe her when she says that she is happily married. I am very happily married, but it still takes work! WTF, I don't believe someone that says that they don't fight or have to work on things every once in a while. I don't believe you!! If you honestly don't argue, and I am not talking about screaming fits, I am talking about disagreements and frustration, I think you're suppressing something. Something isn't right.

I you for saying this! And 100% agree

I'm sorry, you know I love you, but this pisses me off. REALLY bad. We rarely, barely ever disagree. I can't tell you the last time we had any sort of an argument, and they never last more than 5 minutes if we do. We just don't argue.

And, you're completely perpetuating what the author was saying... I'm saying that I have a blissful, happy marriage, that we don't argue or find it hard work, and you're telling me that you don't believe me and that I'm "suppressing something" and that "something isn't right". WHY? Is it seriously that hard to believe that two people who adore each other couldn't just get along 99% of the time?

Don't judge my (currently) efforless marriage just because yours may or may not take more work.

I feel like I am coming off as a bitter wife. I seriously love being married. It was the best thing I ever did. My husband makes loving him easy. I have friends who have rushed into marriage thinking that love is going to make their marriage awesome, but what they don't realize is there are times (for me it was our first year of marriage) where you need more than love to make things work. That doesn't mean you're miserable, it just means sometimes you have to put more effort into loving your husband. I have 2 friends that have been married less than and are separated because I don't think they understood that there would be hard times.

I don't mean to offend you when I say that. I stand by what I say, though. I am not talking about arguing every day, I am talking about having some sort of a disagreement every once in a while.

When I say it takes work in our marriage, I am mostly referring to mornings when my husband wakes up singing and wanting to chit chat and all I want to do is punch his face. Clearly he is a morning person and I am not. We rarely fight anymore.

Like I said, we rarely argue... as in, maybe twice a year. So take that however you want.

As for the bolded, I don't think that falls under the "hard work" category. Not for me, anyway. Little quirks like that usually end up with us both laughing over it. Example: Hubs leaves a cabinet open in the kitchen at least twice a week. Just randomly forgets to close it. I was giving him a (joking) hard time about it one day, so when I came home from work that night, all of the cabinets in the house were open (pre-baby, obviously). It was hilarious. If that is work, I'll take it. Wink

lancyjo · May 2013

jmccall79:

I agree that if it's "peachy" all the time, as in you never have a disagreement over anything, then there are some underlying issues there.

Lancy, that is not directed at you!!! I know you said your marriage is great...but I'd be willing to bet that you and Bob have disagreements, things you have to talk through, and compromise on. Right? Do you always agree on what you want for dinner? Do you always agree on what you might like to do this weekend? Do you always agree on what movie/tv show to watch? I bet there's compromising in there somewhere. So, for you to say that your marriage is great is not a bad thing at all, I think that's wonderful but I think a better word could be used to describe what "marriage" may be for you all...some 'effort' has to be put into it, right? An effort to do things for each other. An effort to compromise when he wants to play his video game but you'd rather watch a movie(though I know you're playing with him now). A conscious decision to think of each other instead of being selfish in everything you do. See, all those things fall under "work" in my book.

And I'm not saying that marriage being work is a bad thing. Again, I think the word "work" is what is the hang up for some here. Who likes to go to "work"? I sure as heck don't!!! So, for some, seeing marriage as "work" may make that a "bad" thing. Does that make any sense?

And who am I to say anything about marriage? I'm divorced, a single parent...so who am I? I don't have all the answers obviously butn when any marriage/relationship becomes a JOB that you despise, that's when the 'work' part of a marriage sucks. When the "work" part of a marriage isn't being done by both parties, that's when it sucks.

Yes, my marriage is GREAT. That's the word I'd use to describe it and I don't see any reason to need to use a different word. If you'd like though, I could use blissful, wonderful, amazing, rewarding... pick one.

No, we don't always agree on what to eat/watch/do/whatever, but it's also not work/hard/an issue to come to an agreement. Not even close. If THAT is what everyone thinks is work in a marriage, I'm seriously going to LOL. It's "hey, wanna watch Harry Potter?" "no... I'm not in the mood. How about Skyfall?" "ok". That's not work, that's not hard... that's just compromise and being an adult. Or human. Whatever.

lancyjo · May 2013

MrMrsandBaby:
lancyjo:
MrMrsandBaby:

EmmaBoBemma:
This is what bothers me. She says that she hates feeling like people don't believe her when she says that she is happily married. I am very happily married, but it still takes work! WTF, I don't believe someone that says that they don't fight or have to work on things every once in a while. I don't believe you!! If you honestly don't argue, and I am not talking about screaming fits, I am talking about disagreements and frustration, I think you're suppressing something. Something isn't right.

I you for saying this! And 100% agree

I'm sorry, you know I love you, but this pisses me off. REALLY bad. We rarely, barely ever disagree. I can't tell you the last time we had any sort of an argument, and they never last more than 5 minutes if we do. We just don't argue.

And, you're completely perpetuating what the author was saying... I'm saying that I have a blissful, happy marriage, that we don't argue or find it hard work, and you're telling me that you don't believe me and that I'm "suppressing something" and that "something isn't right". WHY? Is it seriously that hard to believe that two people who adore each other couldn't just get along 99% of the time?

Don't judge my (currently) efforless marriage just because yours may or may not take more work.

Lancy, I don't think I got the same impression from the OP. I understood it as there aren't two people on the entire planet who agree 100% on everything all the time and if they say they do, they are either lying or in denial.

Matt and I had a virtually effortless marriage for the first 5 or 6 years...but the last 4 have been tough. I can already see us turning the corner back to easy though. Will it last another 5 years? Most likely no. But now we are aware of how to work with each other to get through the rough parts so it will be less effort to get back to easy.

In my opinion and experience, I think all marriages takes some work at some point in time. Maybe not all the time and maybe not a lot of it - but yes, some work. To be overly literal - work is "exertion or effort directed to produce or accomplish something" so any effort put into marriage is work (technically speaking).

I just didn't like the assumption that I'm in denial if I claim my marriage is easy and happy. Maybe it's just a clash of comprehension, but it seriously rubbed me wrong.

If we're talking about this with the literal definition of work that you posted, then yes, of course my marriage takes work... but I just don't see it that way, not at all.

jmccall79 · May 2013

lancyjo:
that's just compromise and being an adult. Or human. Whatever.

Exactly!!!!

And that's kind of been my point to marriage being "work"...

kittyh8r · May 2013

lancyjo:
EmmaBoBemma:
lancyjo:
MrMrsandBaby:

EmmaBoBemma:
This is what bothers me. She says that she hates feeling like people don't believe her when she says that she is happily married. I am very happily married, but it still takes work! WTF, I don't believe someone that says that they don't fight or have to work on things every once in a while. I don't believe you!! If you honestly don't argue, and I am not talking about screaming fits, I am talking about disagreements and frustration, I think you're suppressing something. Something isn't right.

I you for saying this! And 100% agree

I'm sorry, you know I love you, but this pisses me off. REALLY bad. We rarely, barely ever disagree. I can't tell you the last time we had any sort of an argument, and they never last more than 5 minutes if we do. We just don't argue.

And, you're completely perpetuating what the author was saying... I'm saying that I have a blissful, happy marriage, that we don't argue or find it hard work, and you're telling me that you don't believe me and that I'm "suppressing something" and that "something isn't right". WHY? Is it seriously that hard to believe that two people who adore each other couldn't just get along 99% of the time?

Don't judge my (currently) efforless marriage just because yours may or may not take more work.

I feel like I am coming off as a bitter wife. I seriously love being married. It was the best thing I ever did. My husband makes loving him easy. I have friends who have rushed into marriage thinking that love is going to make their marriage awesome, but what they don't realize is there are times (for me it was our first year of marriage) where you need more than love to make things work. That doesn't mean you're miserable, it just means sometimes you have to put more effort into loving your husband. I have 2 friends that have been married less than and are separated because I don't think they understood that there would be hard times.

I don't mean to offend you when I say that. I stand by what I say, though. I am not talking about arguing every day, I am talking about having some sort of a disagreement every once in a while.

When I say it takes work in our marriage, I am mostly referring to mornings when my husband wakes up singing and wanting to chit chat and all I want to do is punch his face. Clearly he is a morning person and I am not. We rarely fight anymore.

Like I said, we rarely argue... as in, maybe twice a year. So take that however you want.

As for the bolded, I don't think that falls under the "hard work" category. Not for me, anyway. Little quirks like that usually end up with us both laughing over it. Example: Hubs leaves a cabinet open in the kitchen at least twice a week. Just randomly forgets to close it. I was giving him a (joking) hard time about it one day, so when I came home from work that night, all of the cabinets in the house were open (pre-baby, obviously). It was hilarious. If that is work, I'll take it.

I don't think I ever said it was "hard work" I would have to go back and check, but I am pretty sure I never said that. I think everyone's definition of work in marriage is different. Some people may have to work a lot harder than you or I, and some may work less, but I think there is always a point in a marriage where you have to work at something.

MrMrsandBaby · May 2013

Starbuck128:
MrMrsandBaby:
This quote makes me want to slap the author, "Saying it's hard somehow implies that it isn't worth it or that there are many parts of it that are bad."
So things that are hard aren't worth it to her? Childbirth? A good workout? Climbing a mountain? Folding a fitted sheet (ok, not worth it but still...)
Just...wow...ok.

Seriously, best GIF's award for you!

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