SO Vent

kmornelas29

I haven't vented about my SO/DH yet, because he is normally great, but I am going crazy lately!

I am home all day with the LO, I wouldn't change my situation for the world, but I resent the fact that when DH comes home, he wants "his time." He is full time teaching and getting his masters at the same time so he is extremely busy, so when he is gone all day he isn't doing what he wants, and still wants time to go play basketball during her bedtime routine, and go out in the garage when he first gets home, and has all these errands to run, because he has no other time during the day. I understand because I went through the same work/ school program, but it infuriates me that he wants "his time."
I am home all day with her, barely get stuff done around the house, because she hates being layed down to nap lately and won't go in a wrap or her swing, and I can't do all the errands I want; yet, I don't throw tantrums like he does when I don't get my "me time."
He has already ventured out ten times more than I have been able to because of breastfeeding, etc. and it's irritating that he thinks 2 hours of entertaining her is his "due" for the day. I rock her at night, I do the feedings, I clean the house while holding her, and he asks me to shut the door behind him when he holds her cause he can't do both? Seriously!?

Ugh! Am I right to be irritated that he got mad at me for not saying "okay" go with your friends to play basketball during her bedtime routine, or should I just let him go and do it on my own?

Doing it on my own would require me calling my already over generous mom to come help with shower time, because we can't do baths in our house due to no bathtubs n too small of sinks, etc.

I am over feeling like I'm the mom and he is the help only when I ask for it.

rjeller32

I remember going through this with DD1. I can relate, but I also understand your DH's side. You both need time, and you need to sit him down and work something out, otherwise the resentment will only build up.

It is hard to be a SAHM, but it's also really hard to be going to school, working, and being a parent. After the first 6 months, I spent a year with a full time college schedule, a full time job, and another 20 hr a week job. Then I had to come home and take care of my LO. It sucks. My DH allowed me to go out twice a week, and he was allowed to go out on the one day I had off a week. 

Now, being a SAHM with two, we have it worked out that for every "break" he gets, I get one I can use in the future. He went on a camping trip, I went on a girl's trip to send my friend off to the Navy. He went stayed out til 3am with his cousin drinking at his house, I got to go out for St. Patty's.  If I have a problem with something, I just tell him.

When your s/o is the breadwinner, it can feel a lot like being the only parent, but such is life sometimes. 

And I do bedtime routine with 2 every night alone (DH works nights), use your mom if you feel, but it also is surprising easy to bathe a LO on your own. I got a 10 dollar tub for my infant, or she sits in our teeny little sink. She loves both. It's great mom-baby interaction time! Try it, you might be surprised how easy it can be!

GL, my heart is with you, know that it DOES get easier though!

JSS1002

No advice on this but men really CANNOT multitask, even something as simple as shutting the door while holding groceries. You'll save yourself a lot of annoyance if you just accept this. They aren't wired like we are to do twenty or even two things at once.

SkyBee

JSS1002:

No advice on this but men really CANNOT multitask, even something as simple as shutting the door while holding groceries. You'll save yourself a lot of annoyance if you just accept this. They aren't wired like we are to do twenty or even two things at once.

LOL this is so true! 

watermellens

rjeller32:

I remember going through this with DD1. I can relate, but I also understand your DH's side. You both need time, and you need to sit him down and work something out, otherwise the resentment will only build up.

It is hard to be a SAHM, but it's also really hard to be going to school, working, and being a parent. After the first 6 months, I spent a year with a full time college schedule, a full time job, and another 20 hr a week job. Then I had to come home and take care of my LO. It sucks. My DH allowed me to go out twice a week, and he was allowed to go out on the one day I had off a week. 

I kind of disagree with the bolded...it's VERY hard to go to work and come home and be a parent, I completely agree, but it sounds like her DH is not doing his share of being a parent.

And when he's at work, checking his email, going to the bathroom by himself, in the car without 2 kids in their carseats, listening to what he wants on the radio, eating lunch without a baby on his boob....that's his downtime. If he wants to play basketball, maybe he can do that after the baby goes to bed instead of during the bedtime routine. 

And it sounds like you have a nice deal worked out with the hubby, where you trade off getting "me" time - DH and I do that too  

pinottoparenthood

rjeller32:

I remember going through this with DD1. I can relate, but I also understand your DH's side. You both need time, and you need to sit him down and work something out, otherwise the resentment will only build up.

It is hard to be a SAHM, but it's also really hard to be going to school, working, and being a parent. After the first 6 months, I spent a year with a full time college schedule, a full time job, and another 20 hr a week job. Then I had to come home and take care of my LO. It sucks. My DH allowed me to go out twice a week, and he was allowed to go out on the one day I had off a week. 

Now, being a SAHM with two, we have it worked out that for every "break" he gets, I get one I can use in the future. He went on a camping trip, I went on a girl's trip to send my friend off to the Navy. He went stayed out til 3am with his cousin drinking at his house, I got to go out for St. Patty's.  If I have a problem with something, I just tell him.

When your s/o is the breadwinner, it can feel a lot like being the only parent, but such is life sometimes. 

And I do bedtime routine with 2 every night alone (DH works nights), use your mom if you feel, but it also is surprising easy to bathe a LO on your own. I got a 10 dollar tub for my infant, or she sits in our teeny little sink. She loves both. It's great mom-baby interaction time! Try it, you might be surprised how easy it can be!

GL, my heart is with you, know that it DOES get easier though!

this. I understand how you feel.... Some days when my husband comes in from work, I'm just begging him to hold the baby so that I can pee! But I have worked full time while going to school, also as a teacher, and it's stressful and exhausting. He deserves some me time and some breaks, but so do you. I think you need to sit down together, talk it out, and come up with some sort of schedule/compromise. Sometimes I'm a little annoyed when DH comes home and doesn't want to hold and help with the baby right away, buti just remind myself that he has been working hard all day... And I would rather be home with our son anyway so I am grateful for what he is doing. Now once I go back to work, we will also have to sit down and reevaluate the situation. 

pinottoparenthood

watermellens:

rjeller32:

I remember going through this with DD1. I can relate, but I also understand your DH's side. You both need time, and you need to sit him down and work something out, otherwise the resentment will only build up.

It is hard to be a SAHM, but it's also really hard to be going to school, working, and being a parent. After the first 6 months, I spent a year with a full time college schedule, a full time job, and another 20 hr a week job. Then I had to come home and take care of my LO. It sucks. My DH allowed me to go out twice a week, and he was allowed to go out on the one day I had off a week. 

I kind of disagree with the bolded...it's VERY hard to go to work and come home and be a parent, I completely agree, but it sounds like her DH is not doing his share of being a parent.

And when he's at work, checking his email, going to the bathroom by himself, in the car without 2 kids in their carseats, listening to what he wants on the radio, eating lunch without a baby on his boob....that's his downtime. If he wants to play basketball, maybe he can do that after the baby goes to bed instead of during the bedtime routine. 

And it sounds like you have a nice deal worked out with the hubby, where you trade off getting "me" time - DH and I do that too  

ummm if checking work email and going to the bathroom counts as "downtime", that sounds like a miserable life.  

tilsonc

JSS1002:

No advice on this but men really CANNOT multitask, even something as simple as shutting the door while holding groceries. You'll save yourself a lot of annoyance if you just accept this. They aren't wired like we are to do twenty or even two things at once.

 Yes! My husband asked me to change the channel for him before I left because he couldn't feed LO and use the TV remote at the same time!!

dande2129

pinottoparenthood:

watermellens:

rjeller32:

I remember going through this with DD1. I can relate, but I also understand your DH's side. You both need time, and you need to sit him down and work something out, otherwise the resentment will only build up.

It is hard to be a SAHM, but it's also really hard to be going to school, working, and being a parent. After the first 6 months, I spent a year with a full time college schedule, a full time job, and another 20 hr a week job. Then I had to come home and take care of my LO. It sucks. My DH allowed me to go out twice a week, and he was allowed to go out on the one day I had off a week. 

I kind of disagree with the bolded...it's VERY hard to go to work and come home and be a parent, I completely agree, but it sounds like her DH is not doing his share of being a parent.

And when he's at work, checking his email, going to the bathroom by himself, in the car without 2 kids in their carseats, listening to what he wants on the radio, eating lunch without a baby on his boob....that's his downtime. If he wants to play basketball, maybe he can do that after the baby goes to bed instead of during the bedtime routine. 

And it sounds like you have a nice deal worked out with the hubby, where you trade off getting "me" time - DH and I do that too  

ummm if checking work email and going to the bathroom counts as "downtime", that sounds like a miserable life.  

LOL This!

Yes, those little things become luxuries when you don't have children around, but it's definitely not downtime, or a way for him to unwind--- he is still at work.

OP, it's frustrating. Even if he were doing his fair share of the parenting, you could still feel like he gets the better deal simply because the grass is greener on the other side, and he DOES get that time alone, even if it's working. 

My best advice is to talk to him about how you feel. The longer you let your feelings go, the more resentment can breed. Don't point the finger and make him out to be a terrible partner, but do tell him how you feel and hopefully you two can come up with a decent routine. 

ohlordy

tilsonc:

JSS1002:

No advice on this but men really CANNOT multitask, even something as simple as shutting the door while holding groceries. You'll save yourself a lot of annoyance if you just accept this. They aren't wired like we are to do twenty or even two things at once.

 Yes! My husband asked me to change the channel for him before I left because he couldn't feed LO and use the TV remote at the same time!!

yours too?!? It's like all the husbands get together outside of the house and plan on what simple task they'll ask us to do while they're with the baby. Recently, DH has had problems changing DD by himself. She has been grabby and tends to stick her hand in her poop and he is so grossed out and frustrated by this. It's funny how he talks to her like she'll all of a sudden stop and listen. The talking to her is good and I know he is voicing his frustrations, but I just think that I don't have an extra set of hands to help during changes. What's funny is I don't NEED an extra set of hands ... I AM SUPER MOM. 

We just have to remember that the person staying with the baby all day long tends to know the quick tricks and shortcuts to all of the baby stuff. DH seemed surprised one day when he came home and asked if I needed a shower and I said "no, me and baby already showered together today." Since then, he probably expects me to crochet a blanket while pumping and cooking dinner at the same time.  

JSS1002

ohlordy:

tilsonc:

JSS1002:

No advice on this but men really CANNOT multitask, even something as simple as shutting the door while holding groceries. You'll save yourself a lot of annoyance if you just accept this. They aren't wired like we are to do twenty or even two things at once.

 Yes! My husband asked me to change the channel for him before I left because he couldn't feed LO and use the TV remote at the same time!!

yours too?!? It's like all the husbands get together outside of the house and plan on what simple task they'll ask us to do while they're with the baby. Recently, DH has had problems changing DD by himself. She has been grabby and tends to stick her hand in her poop and he is so grossed out and frustrated by this. It's funny how he talks to her like she'll all of a sudden stop and listen. The talking to her is good and I know he is voicing his frustrations, but I just think that I don't have an extra set of hands to help during changes. What's funny is I don't NEED an extra set of hands ... I AM SUPER MOM. 

We just have to remember that the person staying with the baby all day long tends to know the quick tricks and shortcuts to all of the baby stuff. DH seemed surprised one day when he came home and asked if I needed a shower and I said "no, me and baby already showered together today." Since then, he probably expects me to crochet a blanket while pumping and cooking dinner at the same time.  

They don't get together -- it is literally biological.  They CAN'T do it -- they are designed to be focused on one thing.  Women are designed to have to do 20 things at once, going back to the beginning of time when women were all about childcare and nurturing and feeding and men were off being hunters.  Think abotu how many times you've put 12 grocery bags on one arm, the carseat on the other holding a latte gotten into the house and shut the garage door before doing anything else?  My husband can't even carry two bags at once.  It isn't a criticism, it's just the way it is -- super true in the workplace too.  The male execs I work with just CANNOT multi-task,, where as I usually have 4 projects going at once, plus I'm on FB on my phone and bumping and accessting weight watchers.com on my computer and texting with my DH.  And still not missing my deadlines ;-)

Cellis

JSS1002:

They don't get together -- it is literally biological.  They CAN'T do it -- they are designed to be focused on one thing.  Women are designed to have to do 20 things at once, going back to the beginning of time when women were all about childcare and nurturing and feeding and men were off being hunters.  Think abotu how many times you've put 12 grocery bags on one arm, the carseat on the other holding a latte gotten into the house and shut the garage door before doing anything else?  My husband can't even carry two bags at once.  It isn't a criticism, it's just the way it is -- super true in the workplace too.  The male execs I work with just CANNOT multi-task,, where as I usually have 4 projects going at once, plus I'm on FB on my phone and bumping and accessting weight watchers.com on my computer and texting with my DH.  And still not missing my deadlines ;-)

While I think more women are capable of multitasking than men, my DH is great at multitasking while my SIL couldn't multitask to save her life. But I agree that it will make your life easier if you just accept that maybe your DH isn't capable of doing it. Though it sounds like he's doing a lot with work and school full time. I would be struggling then. I know how unfair it can feel when you stay home with the baby while DH is gone all day. I'm a SAHM and I still get kind of irritated when DH wants to come home and sit around on the computer, but I have to remember how drained I use to feel after working all day. He changed his routine up though so he comes home and plays with DS and helps with bedtime, then he does his own thing. This way he gets to see LO for like an hour and then he gets several hours to unwind and do what he wants. Of course, he doesn't really care to leave the house and do things so it's a little different. Just keep in mind he's doing a lot and maybe have him help out more on the weekends. I just think as moms, we will always do more with the children. 

CrazyMary77

I cannot really add any other advise other than what's been given. I agree with trying to come up with a schedule where both of you get down time. You should be able to rely on your DH to take care of the kids while you get things done.

I laughed at the part where he asks you to shut the door. Yes, men cannot multitask! My DH helps out with our LO when he comes home from work, but it sometimes feels like he's constantly asking me for help, like when he's feeding and he asks if I can get him the remote control or find the pacifier. Somehow I manage to do 6 to 7 feedings a day while he's at work all on my own, but to him it's difficult. I can't complain though because he is eager to hold our LO when he comes home, and he will watch LO while I take naps or go out on his day off. 

rjeller32

pinottoparenthood:

watermellens:

rjeller32:

I remember going through this with DD1. I can relate, but I also understand your DH's side. You both need time, and you need to sit him down and work something out, otherwise the resentment will only build up.

It is hard to be a SAHM, but it's also really hard to be going to school, working, and being a parent. After the first 6 months, I spent a year with a full time college schedule, a full time job, and another 20 hr a week job. Then I had to come home and take care of my LO. It sucks. My DH allowed me to go out twice a week, and he was allowed to go out on the one day I had off a week. 

I kind of disagree with the bolded...it's VERY hard to go to work and come home and be a parent, I completely agree, but it sounds like her DH is not doing his share of being a parent.

And when he's at work, checking his email, going to the bathroom by himself, in the car without 2 kids in their carseats, listening to what he wants on the radio, eating lunch without a baby on his boob....that's his downtime. If he wants to play basketball, maybe he can do that after the baby goes to bed instead of during the bedtime routine. 

And it sounds like you have a nice deal worked out with the hubby, where you trade off getting "me" time - DH and I do that too  

ummm if checking work email and going to the bathroom counts as "downtime", that sounds like a miserable life.  

I agree. From personal experience, that is not a break. I would never tell my DH now that I deserve a break because he gets the luxury of peeing at work, or checking his email. I do those things being a SAHM too, so DH could argue that those exact same things are my break. Aside from being in the car alone. But that doesn't bother me.

watermellens

rjeller32:

pinottoparenthood:

watermellens:

rjeller32:

I remember going through this with DD1. I can relate, but I also understand your DH's side. You both need time, and you need to sit him down and work something out, otherwise the resentment will only build up.

It is hard to be a SAHM, but it's also really hard to be going to school, working, and being a parent. After the first 6 months, I spent a year with a full time college schedule, a full time job, and another 20 hr a week job. Then I had to come home and take care of my LO. It sucks. My DH allowed me to go out twice a week, and he was allowed to go out on the one day I had off a week. 

I kind of disagree with the bolded...it's VERY hard to go to work and come home and be a parent, I completely agree, but it sounds like her DH is not doing his share of being a parent.

And when he's at work, checking his email, going to the bathroom by himself, in the car without 2 kids in their carseats, listening to what he wants on the radio, eating lunch without a baby on his boob....that's his downtime. If he wants to play basketball, maybe he can do that after the baby goes to bed instead of during the bedtime routine. 

And it sounds like you have a nice deal worked out with the hubby, where you trade off getting "me" time - DH and I do that too  

ummm if checking work email and going to the bathroom counts as "downtime", that sounds like a miserable life.  

I agree. From personal experience, that is not a break. I would never tell my DH now that I deserve a break because he gets the luxury of peeing at work, or checking his email. I do those things being a SAHM too, so DH could argue that those exact same things are my break. Aside from being in the car alone. But that doesn't bother me.

alright, maybe those two were poor examples ;-)  But honestly, I'm a Kindergarten teacher and I completely agree that teaching is exhausting, but so is being a SAHM. I think being a SAHM is way harder and her DH needs to pick up the slack is all I'm saying. When you become a parent, you don't always have the option of having downtime, playing basketball, doing errands and going out when you want to.