SK's don't want to come over...long

IPmama

SD is 14 and SS is 10. We have them every other weekend during the school year and every other week during the summer. We got a phone call from BM that SD is having issues. This conversation turned into how the kids don't want to come to our house. They said they hate it here, they don't get time with DH, and they don't want to share a room. 

So, the details. DH and I have a DD 2 1/2 years old and one on the way. The SK's have their own rooms. We have discussed with them about different room sharing ideas for when the baby comes in the winter. They do get time with DH, but he has to divide it among three children all at different ages. SD is a typical teenager and wants no time with DH anyway, he does try to force himself upon her with conversations etc. SS is ADHD and very emotional, clingy and wants DH 24/7 or nothing at all. He is very jealous of DD.

So, they hate it here. This is nothing new. Our first year we tried joint 50/50, it was miserable. BM and DH were constantly fighting, DH and I were constantly fighting, and SK's never could unpack a suitcase with so much back and forth. So, the next two years we have switched to our current custody plan. It is better with DH and BM/DH and me. The kids, well they seem happier, but in reality they just want to stay "home." 

At BM's house there are no rules and she does every little thing for them, and I mean if they are thirsty, she gets the drink for them. At our house, we have rules. You clean up after yourself, you empty the dishwasher when done, you are respectful, etc. Also, they have no tv's in their rooms, this is a recent change, we felt the money for cable could go elsewhere and they can watch tv with us in the living room. This was an idea to get them out of their rooms and spend time with us. This hasn't worked. They don't want to come out of their rooms. 

DH believes that he just needs to spend more time with them. I think he does a good job of it and forces them to spend time with him. I think there is more to it.

I think they believe DH has another family and they aren't apart of it. They think we have too many rules and are horrible for even considering a shared room situation.  We also have a BM who tells them these things and is never on our side. 

DH is heartbroken and now that summer is almost here, we don't know what to do. We have tried family night, outings, DH with/SK's alone time, DH going to see them extra 2x/wk, etc. And nothing is working. They don't want to be here.  

 Ideas would be great! And I can give more info too! 

IPmama

We live 45 mins away. At the time of 50/50 we lived 15 mins away. They never unpacked because their mother wanted all their clothes with them at all times. We tried having their own clothes at our house but BM insisted. The SKs wanted EOW. We moved due to work and family issues. We have an issue with BM telling the kids their daddy chose me over them. They believe it especially with us having babies.

We dont know what to do. It was miserable EOW because they want their mom who has no rules. They tell us all the time and ask why we have rules and they feel they shouldnt have any. We arent going to let up on our rules. They are typical and easy. Pick up after yourself is the big one. Really that sums our rules up.

Dh wants them every day. They dont want him. Bm would never allow them to spend more time with DH now because she needs the child support since she works less now.

IPmama

Really I just need ideas. Do we force them to spend time here. Allow them to pick and choose when they come. Etc.

Ginlyn0

Minor children do not get to decide if they want to visit their parents. Although it sounds like while BM might play some part, your DH has done his own part in this by relinquishing 50/50, moving, ect. What options are you considering for room sharing, might I ask? Perhaps you need to think of how the children feel. Their dad gets married, moves away, stops seeing them as much, gets more children, forces them to give up their rooms. I mean, if you were a kid and this happened to you how would you feel? They don't look at your house as a home anymore because, well it's not the home they once knew. What was the visitation like prior to 3 years ago. You only mentioned up to 3 years or is that just as long as you have been involved?

Sounds to me like your DH needs to step up. I don't buy the whole, he has to split his time between 3 kids of all different ages thing. Look in my siggy. My DH manages to spend time with all 5 of our kids. 

SueBear

I would have them come anyway. They are 10 and 14....they don't get to dictate where they live.  You also don't know if they are really saying this to BM, if she is manipulating the situation / twisting their words, if they are saying they hate your house to make BM feel better because obviously that is the answer she wants.

They come over your home.  No discussion about that!  However, your DH should sit them down and talk to them and ask them how they are feeling (without you or the other kids present).  They are old enough to share their feelings.  If it is bad enough, get family counseling.

Things we do as a family in the summer....go to free movies in the park (there are movies aimed at the teen/tween set), pool, family game night.  If SD misses her friends, maybe one can come over for a sleepover at your house, and you can get a pool pass for your pool?  My kids don't have tvs in their rooms, but we do have an extra television in the basement in case we can't agree on what to watch! 

 

MissSusieQ

I would still push them coming to your house and spending time together. You need to find a good balance of family time and just DH/SK time. They aren't old enough to make decisions for themselves and they don't know what is best for them. Trying to keep you and DH on the same page with discipline and such is also very important. I would also make sure that DH is the main enforcer of the rules. You and your DH need to make sure they feel welcome and part of the family. 

SimpleJane

IPmama:

Really I just need ideas. Do we force them to spend time here. Allow them to pick and choose when they come. Etc.

They are children. They don't get to pick and choose custody agreements and they don't get to pick the rules.

PP is right that YDH has already shownthat he couldn't/didn't want to deal with the situation 50/50. If you guys give up more visitation now because they are being typical whiny kids that are having a hard time transitioning between homes, what will that show them? It will show them you give up when it gets hard, and they will feel even more like Dad is choosing his new family.

Take all the time you can. Be firm with rules and consequences. Show them you will take the time no matter what and they will have to deal. Try to plan things they will enjoy. Be consistent and give it time. Things get easier when everyone is used to them and they are routine.

Littlejen22

Force them. Honestly when my kids are that age and do not want to spend family time together I will tell them tough luck and get out if their rooms and we will do something together. Just because their parents are divorced does not mean they get out of seeing their Dad. I would have DH spend time with each one on one and ask them what makes thenbubhappy at your house and how he can make it better and he needs to be honest with what he can and cannot change.

hopanka

What kind of relationship do you have with them? I'm not sure if you can see this in your post, but your own words are kinda describing them as nuisance to you. And it seems like that's how they feel in your home. You are describing SS as clingy, ADHD. Your SD never comes out her room, hates dad. It seems like you are dismissing their feelings. They said they don't spend enough time with dad, you counter that he needs to spend time with all his kids, including yours. That is true, however your child has him every night, they don't. So, it would only be fair, if their weekend was more focused on them, when it comes to his attention. He could take them on an afternoon hike on Sat. He could take just the boy to a football game on Friday night, the girl to the movies Saturday night....something like that, so they would feel like they are his priority in the two days he has them. I also would not force the 14 year old girl to share a room all of a sudden. Whether it is with her brother or your baby. I am not sure the boy should share either, since he has special needs. Looks like your babies should probably share a room. Also, the kids should have some wardrobe at your house. The fact they bring a suitcase makes your house like a hotel, not their home. I'm also wary when someone tries to portray the CP as a no rule household and that's why the kids like it there better. It's much easier to throw mud than really try to figure out why the kids don't want to come to you.

hindsight's_a_biotch

10 and 14 year olds don't like spending time with their traditional, intact families so I wouldn't be in a rush to blame this on the blended families situation. I mean sure, technically, they are cranky about issues that are blended family related but if you were a traditional family, they'd find something to biitch about too. They'd find new reasons to crank that daddy doesn't spend enough time with then, new babies suck, why won't you let me go to Addison's party even though there will be no parents there, everyone else is going.

See what I mean?

So of course they go.

But sorry, your baby stays in your room until she is STTN and then moves in with her 2 and a half year old sister. Two kids under five can share a room but no, a ten and a 14 year old opposite sex siblings should not have to share a room as often as that when you have the option of putting the babies together (unless I misunderstood and the toddler is sharing a room with you guys already.) 

If I'm in your shoes, the next time they come over, we all go to target and get new bedding they picked out for their rooms along with the reassurance that they always have a place in your home. And for God's sake, put the tvs back. You don't have to get cable. Try netflix or Hulu plus. Ordinarily, I'm not big on kids having tv in their rooms but you already have a really strict household compared to what they are used to. Personally, it's the kind of household I run so I'm not knocking on that front, I swear. But dude, it's a stark difference and if tv and alone time makes them happy, fabulous. That doesn't mean they have to watch all the tv in the world whenever they want to but dude, yeah.

Perhaps it's time to start thinking of traditions you can keep. At our house we have movie night on Friday (if you do that, let them alternate who gets to pick the movie), Saturday breakfast, and Sunday dinner. You don't have to do that, maybe something different. Maybe the last Saturday of the month your husband takes one of his kids out to do something of their choosing, nothing elaborate, just some one on one time and then the next month the other kid gets their turn.

Is your husband involved in their activities? Can he perhaps find room in his schedule to show up for school activities, games, or something like that? 

Also, they are at your home often enough that they shouldn't have suitcases. The most they should be bringing is two backpacks, one from school and one with a handful of things they can't do without. IDK, laptops, e-readers, etc. They should have toothbrushes, toothpaste, hair stuff, clothes, etc at your house. If they don't, you need to take them out soon to buy all this stuff. And if that's necessary, then you and your husband owe them a serious apology for treating them like visitors instead of family members whose presence you welcome. 

Nineoceans

It's tough. I'm sorry your dh is struggling. The only advice I can give is I wouldn't accept less time I would just try to make the time you do have fun.

My dh and I just went to a parenting class with another couple and the take away message is act interested in the things your kids say. 10 uninterrupted genuinely interested minutes of conversation is worth more than hours of talking while the tv is on, et cetera

Hopeforthebest

hindsight's_a_biotch:

10 and 14 year olds don't like spending time with their traditional, intact families so I wouldn't be in a rush to blame this on the blended families situation. I mean sure, technically, they are cranky about issues that are blended family related but if you were a traditional family, they'd find something to biitch about too. They'd find new reasons to crank that daddy doesn't spend enough time with then, new babies suck, why won't you let me go to Addison's party even though there will be no parents there, everyone else is going.

See what I mean?

So of course they go.

But sorry, your baby stays in your room until she is STTN and then moves in with her 2 and a half year old sister. Two kids under five can share a room but no, a ten and a 14 year old opposite sex siblings should not have to share a room as often as that when you have the option of putting the babies together (unless I misunderstood and the toddler is sharing a room with you guys already.) 

If I'm in your shoes, the next time they come over, we all go to target and get new bedding they picked out for their rooms along with the reassurance that they always have a place in your home. And for God's sake, put the tvs back. You don't have to get cable. Try netflix or Hulu plus. Ordinarily, I'm not big on kids having tv in their rooms but you already have a really strict household compared to what they are used to. Personally, it's the kind of household I run so I'm not knocking on that front, I swear. But dude, it's a stark difference and if tv and alone time makes them happy, fabulous. That doesn't mean they have to watch all the tv in the world whenever they want to but dude, yeah.

Perhaps it's time to start thinking of traditions you can keep. At our house we have movie night on Friday (if you do that, let them alternate who gets to pick the movie), Saturday breakfast, and Sunday dinner. You don't have to do that, maybe something different. Maybe the last Saturday of the month your husband takes one of his kids out to do something of their choosing, nothing elaborate, just some one on one time and then the next month the other kid gets their turn.

Is your husband involved in their activities? Can he perhaps find room in his schedule to show up for school activities, games, or something like that? 

Also, they are at your home often enough that they shouldn't have suitcases. The most they should be bringing is two backpacks, one from school and one with a handful of things they can't do without. IDK, laptops, e-readers, etc. They should have toothbrushes, toothpaste, hair stuff, clothes, etc at your house. If they don't, you need to take them out soon to buy all this stuff. And if that's necessary, then you and your husband owe them a serious apology for treating them like visitors instead of family members whose presence you welcome. 

I love everything about this advice.

fellesferie

hindsight's_a_biotch:

10 and 14 year olds don't like spending time with their traditional, intact families so I wouldn't be in a rush to blame this on the blended families situation. I mean sure, technically, they are cranky about issues that are blended family related but if you were a traditional family, they'd find something to biitch about too. They'd find new reasons to crank that daddy doesn't spend enough time with then, new babies suck, why won't you let me go to Addison's party even though there will be no parents there, everyone else is going.

See what I mean?

So of course they go.

But sorry, your baby stays in your room until she is STTN and then moves in with her 2 and a half year old sister. Two kids under five can share a room but no, a ten and a 14 year old opposite sex siblings should not have to share a room as often as that when you have the option of putting the babies together (unless I misunderstood and the toddler is sharing a room with you guys already.) 

If I'm in your shoes, the next time they come over, we all go to target and get new bedding they picked out for their rooms along with the reassurance that they always have a place in your home. And for God's sake, put the tvs back. You don't have to get cable. Try netflix or Hulu plus. Ordinarily, I'm not big on kids having tv in their rooms but you already have a really strict household compared to what they are used to. Personally, it's the kind of household I run so I'm not knocking on that front, I swear. But dude, it's a stark difference and if tv and alone time makes them happy, fabulous. That doesn't mean they have to watch all the tv in the world whenever they want to but dude, yeah.

Perhaps it's time to start thinking of traditions you can keep. At our house we have movie night on Friday (if you do that, let them alternate who gets to pick the movie), Saturday breakfast, and Sunday dinner. You don't have to do that, maybe something different. Maybe the last Saturday of the month your husband takes one of his kids out to do something of their choosing, nothing elaborate, just some one on one time and then the next month the other kid gets their turn.

Is your husband involved in their activities? Can he perhaps find room in his schedule to show up for school activities, games, or something like that? 

Also, they are at your home often enough that they shouldn't have suitcases. The most they should be bringing is two backpacks, one from school and one with a handful of things they can't do without. IDK, laptops, e-readers, etc. They should have toothbrushes, toothpaste, hair stuff, clothes, etc at your house. If they don't, you need to take them out soon to buy all this stuff. And if that's necessary, then you and your husband owe them a serious apology for treating them like visitors instead of family members whose presence you welcome. 

All this! 

SueBear

IPmama:

They never unpacked because their mother wanted all their clothes with them at all times. We tried having their own clothes at our house but BM insisted.

Just FYI, BM doesn't get to make the rules for your house.  If her "rules" about what happens make things difficult for you to make the kids feel included, then DH needs to tell her that you have things covered at your home and that you have your own way of doing things.

Also, don't allow her to be the mouthpiece for your SKs without having a conversation with the kids as well.  At 10 and 14, they are old enough to talk with their dad.  You might use BMs comments as a way to open a conversation, but play telephone with your own children!

nattyncbride

I am sure there is some parent alienation going on here with BM.  And I don't doubt that her house rules, or lack there of, make it hard for the SKs to adjust.  And I am sure that is part of the SKs' attitude when they are in your house.  I feel for you on that end.

However, PLEASE try to see this from their eyes too.  No matter how difficult they are, all they can see is you willingly went from 50/50 to EOW.  Kids are a pain in the A- and the ones that you didn't raise and you only have contact with half the time make them even more foreign and seemingly unmanageable.  You also willingly moved farther away.  I can't imagine anything more hurtful to them than those 2 actions.  I know you have a plethora of reasons and explanations, and I'm not saying they don't exist, but simply to them: their father wants them less.  This probably aids in them in believing the stuff their mom is saying. 

I don't have many suggestions; I like that you took the TV out.  I think spending the weekends doing something together with their DH one day (without you and your kids together) would be great.  Something fun outside or just a meal.  They need their dad, and your other kids get dad all the time.   And something with all of you would be great too.  It sounds like you are doing those things - keep trying to be supportive of them, and give them time and space to open up to DH.  Mostly, try to be empathetic.  Good luck.

Edit: I see you are already doing what I suggested it, I say keep at it.  Also, as for the room situation, maybe the uncertainty also bothers them. I say figure out what you are doing to do, and try to make that decision not putting them in the same room.  It seems age-inappropriate either now or very soon.

IPmama

Thanks ladies! Great tips! I know I wasn't too detailed, so felt some of your comments were out of line, but that is okay! 

We sat down and came up with a plan on to make things better! We are super motivated to get this back on track. Plus, when we talked to the kids last night, they reported they were just bored because of the no tv's and hurt about the room situation, so apparently BM exaggerated! So we are excited! Hopefully they weren't just saying that to make us feel better! But nonetheless we are going to really step it up! Yay!  

heathny

IPmama:

Thanks ladies! Great tips! I know I wasn't too detailed, so felt some of your comments were out of line, but that is okay!nbsp;We sat down and came up with a plan on to make things better! We are super motivated to get this back on track. Plus, when we talked to the kids last night, they reported they were just bored because of the no tv's and hurt about the room situation, so apparently BM exaggerated! So we are excited! Hopefully they weren't just saying that to make us feel better! But nonetheless we are going to really step it up! Yay! nbsp;

I recommend reading Gordon Neufelds stuff, I think it's called hang onto your kids. It's all about attachment. It's difficult for kids to alternate primary attachment figures, but not impossible. Right now they aren't attaching to Dad when with him, they're still primarily attached with BM. But there are a few things he can do to help them transition. I won't go into the long explanation of what all these words mean but if you are interested look up Neufeld and separation, collecting and bridging, those are his key words.