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Blended Families
Introducing myself- Really long...sorry
I have lurked on this board a few times, to see how other blended families work, and due to recent events, I think it's time I introduced myself. I have been with DH for just over 5 years, married for 2 in September. DH has 2 sons ages 13 and 11, with 2 mothers. I have a great relationship with both of my SS's- they are my sons in every way that counts. The whole time DH and I have been together, we have never had any major issues with either BM. I am actually friends with BM1's sister and BIL, and have a good relationship also with her parents, Memaw and Papaw. I am also pregnant with my first baby, due May 27th. DH and I talked with SS1 and SS2 before trying for LO, and they were both really excited, and still are
. SS1 lives about 5 hours from where I live. SS2 lives 30 minutes away. 2 months after we got married, DH had to move 2.5 hours away from where I live for his job. I stayed behind because my work is training me for a new position in which I will be able to work from home. When LO is born, I will be moving to where DH lives, FINALLY.
And now the drama starts...BM1 has been the one we have had the most issues with- always wanting DH to drive further to pick up SS1, calling SS1 while he is with us and telling him all the things he is "missing out on" because he is with us, asking for extra $ for this and that on top of CS, and "buying" SS1 all the time- she does things like "don't bother asking your dad for this, because its too expensive and he won't get it for you." Then she will get it and make references to how SHE gets him things we won't, etc.
Until 2 1/2 years ago, SS1 had never been at the same school for more than 1 year. BM1 was married to a guy with history of drugs and hitting her. He is on probation. She divorced him, found another (great) guy, married him in October, left him in January, divorced in April, and remarried Loser in May. Since then, she has been slowly going downhill. In July, she was arrested for felony theft for shoplifting- with her 5 year old daughter being used to carry stuff out of store. In December, she was passing out and having seizures at work- from taking a mixture of hydrocodone and SS1's ADD meds.
Fast forward to last month, she overdosed on meth and hydrocodone, at home with Loser and her daughter, and SS1 there. Ended up in ICU, had a drug induced heart attack, and possible brain damage. At first it didn't look like she was going to make it. DH went there immediately to be with SS!, and take him back and forth to school, baseball, golf, etc (SS1's choice). When it became apparent that BM1 was going to come out of it with very few long term effects, DH took SS1 and brought him here to where we (I) live(joint custody). We enrolled him in school, and he has been here for about 3 weeks. He is adjusting really well, and acts like his normal self until he talks on the phone with BM1 and she lays on a really thick guilt trip about how she hates that he is here, and not with her, and that she is getting better every day, and as soon as school is out he can come back to stay with her...
Ugh. I hate that she is making out to SS1 that the only issues she has to deal with are the health issues- like her heart. She tells him that she is going to get some help, but that is just something she is saying. DH and I are in contact with CPS, and they have told us not to let him see her until this is all cleared up, because they believe its not safe. STILL, even though DH has explained this to her, she tells SS1 that he can come see her in 2 weeks for her Bday, since "we made him miss Mothers Day with her."
That was probably ENTIRELY too long, but I wanted to introduce myself and our story since I am pretty sure I will regularly be on here asking for advice and venting...
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Introducing myself- Really long...sorry
Wowza!
First welcome and congrats on the baby, hope you are feeling good in your final few weeks.
It seems to me that you guys are doing all the right things where the kids are concerned.
Honestly I have no advice except keep doing what you are doing.
One thing that stood out for me - did your DH enroll him in a school by you? If so why, considering you are moving in a month?
In regards to what is happening at BMs house, it sounds way of out control over there. I think your SS is probably better off with you guys for now. Keep working with CPS on that.
for her bday could your DH bring SS to see her for a few hours? Like supervised visitation? It might be inportant to SS to see her.
Also talk to him, she can BS him until she is blue in the face but he will know the truth when he hears it. Chat to him about why he is with you and about drug addiction and about how you guys are there for him but that you will never stop him seeing his mother.
Honestly all you can do is be the voice of reason right now.
Best of luck with it all.
Congrats on the new addition!
That is a lot but just be honest with SS1 as much as possible. 13 is a really tough age for anyone and with all this extra he will need more support. He will know when he is being lied to and when he is ready let BM know how he feels about it.
DH enrolled SS in school near me because I live in the town we are all used to, including SS, and we have family here that can pick him up from school and watch him until I get off work. DH works in the oilfield, and has a CRAZY schedule- yesterday he went in at 230 am, and got off at 1 am, then had to be back at 530 am, so there is just no way SS1 could be there at this point. When school is out for the summer, SS1, LO and I will move to be with DH for good.
For her bday, there are 2 problems- CPS said no, so we can't in good conscience let her see him, and also, that weekend is my due date and she lives 5 hours away. Since DH is only off on weekends, he comes to see SS's and I. He would have to drive the 2.5 hours here, get SS1, drive the 5 hours there, and then back again, which just isn't feasible at this point in my pregnancy.
Thanks, ladies, for your comments, advice, and support. I really think it will work out fine, but I know I'll be leaning on you for more and more advice the further we go!
My oh my, you have a lot going on! T&Ps your way. I'm glad SS1 has stability with you guys.
What's the situation like with SS2?
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SS2 is in a good situation. He lives about 30 miles away from me, and while there is a CO in place, we have never followed it. BM2, DH and I all get along really well- we get SS2 basically any time we want or any time he says he wants to come over. Usually this ends up being EOW, sometimes more. In the summer, when not in school, he stays for about a month, goes home for a couple of weeks, comes back when he wants and spends a couple more weeks. SS2 also comes any time SS1 is visiting.
The paperwork has been drawn up and filed for emergency temporary custody- this has been signed by the judge already. They are trying to serve BM1 with the papers to show up to court for a Permanent Custody Modification. Problem is, they haven't been able to find her to serve her. We will be asking for supervised visitation at the permanent custody hearing, along with other stipulations.
Ah, okay. I'm glad to see things are in motion. I really hope everything comes together and soon for you guys. Poor kid.
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