Unfair or no?

emme022

So a little backstory.  My SO and BM have 50/50 custody of LO who is 2.  They have a clause in there CO that says they will each accomodate the other families occasions an celebrations within reason.  SO has twice asked for a few hours for a family occasion and both times BM has refused because "she already does not have enough time with LO and her time is to precious to give up to him and that her family either plans events around the custody schedule or LO does not go so that is how it should be for him to."(which is kind of impossible since both of his sisters also have children with blended families etc)  

So anyways now BM texted SO this week to let him know her sister is getting married and LO will be the flower girl so she would like him to accomodate these events.  She also let him know that she would be taking her vacation time for the 12 days previous to this(10 are vacation days and then monday and tues are her normal parenting days) wednesday and thursday are his normal parenting days and these are the days of the rehearsal dinner and wedding.  SO proposed 2 options to her, either they switch the mon/tues and wed/thurs so she would have LO all day/night both of those days or she can come pick LO up wednesday for the rehearsal dinner and for the wedding the next day but she can not have both days and nights.  She then told him she would be doing neither of these and then also added the information that the wedding is out of state so it is too inconvient for her(she lives about 20 min away and has also never done a pick up/drop off so anything involving that is always inconvient)  SO told her he would think about it and get better to her this week(the wedding is not until the last week of August)  but he plans to stand firm on what he proposed since she herself has said that she does not think it is fair to give time without getting time etc and he is willing to accomadate the events but not give her 2 more full days after not seeing LO for 12.

She then also added in that she would rethink exchanging days if he would rethink the vacation dates he picked in novemeber since she does not like that they are a week before thanksgiving(which is his this year) so he gets and extra day(LO is going back to BM inbetween the vaca and thanksgiving also).  

The other element of this is that the wedding is the Wednesday and thursday before labor days weekend, which is SO's this year and the plan was to go camping, leaving on thursday, so he is already being flexible by changing his plans.

So long story short, does it seem unfair to ask for the trade of the 2 days?  Thanks for opinions.

CurlieWhirlie

I think you should probably stop thinking about schedule changes/accommodations as "fair" or "unfair". When you use those words, what you mean is "unfair to me and SO", and you are losing sight of the most important person here: the kid.

Are frequent schedule changes unfair to her? Probably, since she's little, and little kids like routine and stability. But it doesn't sound like this is a regular thing, it sounds like a one-time change BM is asking for, and you're feeling it's unfair because she hasn't accommodated changes your SO wanted to make in the past. Which, again, is all feelings the adults are feeling, and has nothing to do with the kid's feelings. 

It's really, really hard, for sure, but you have to put those feelings aside and consider what is best for the child. Is she the kind of girl who would rather go camping with dad than be a flower girl in her aunt's wedding? Would there be a bunch of cousins at the wedding she'd miss hanging out with? Etc. 

emme022

CurlieWhirlie:

I think you should probably stop thinking about schedule changes/accommodations as "fair" or "unfair". When you use those words, what you mean is "unfair to me and SO", and you are losing sight of the most important person here: the kid.

Are frequent schedule changes unfair to her? Probably, since she's little, and little kids like routine and stability. But it doesn't sound like this is a regular thing, it sounds like a one-time change BM is asking for, and you're feeling it's unfair because she hasn't accommodated changes your SO wanted to make in the past. Which, again, is all feelings the adults are feeling, and has nothing to do with the kid's feelings. 

It's really, really hard, for sure, but you have to put those feelings aside and consider what is best for the child. Is she the kind of girl who would rather go camping with dad than be a flower girl in her aunt's wedding? Would there be a bunch of cousins at the wedding she'd miss hanging out with? Etc. 

I could have been unclear in my post but I did not mean is it fair or unfair to us, I meant is it fair that we are giving BM these 2 different options or should we just go with whatever she says she thinks we should do.  He's already agreed that he will let her go to the wedding and change his plans around for that weekend.  I only brought up what BM has said in the past to show that it seems like in her opinion time should be traded for events like these, so that is what we are trying to do.  

cole2144

I think you are being more than fair, you gave her options and it is up to her whether she takes them or not.

emme022

As soon as BM realized SO was not going to back down from asking for an exchange in time(and not just give her the 2 days like she wanted) she then said she would be in ME from the 15th on and he is harming there daughter emotionally and mentally by forcing her to come home from ME.  And that she is unable to drive home from ME for LO to come back. 

He just repeated that he is going to follow the CO and that he is willing to trade the 2 days for the 2 days for the wedding.  She said she will remember this when he needs a favor(seeming to forget that she has refused his family events) and that he is ruining her vacation.  I really wish some of this stuff wasn't so hard.

Littlejen22

emcmac87:

As soon as BM realized SO was not going to back down from asking for an exchange in timeand not just give her the 2 days like she wanted she then said she would be in ME from the 15th on and he is harming there daughter emotionally and mentally by forcing her to come home from ME.nbsp; And that she is unable to drive home from ME for LO to come back.nbsp; He just repeated that he is going to follow the CO and that he is willing to trade the 2 days for the 2 days for the wedding.nbsp; She said she will remember this when he needs a favorseeming to forget that she has refused his family events and that he is ruining her vacation.nbsp; I really wish some of this stuff wasn't so hard.

I could not tell for certain from your post but as long as you are offering an option of yes you can have her as long as I can have 100 percent makes up time then you are being fair. I would have him reply saying he is not sure if she misunderstood but she can take the vacation time but only if she will give equivelent makeup time and these are the proposed options. And then nicely remind her of a quote to her not giving him requested time in the past b

emme022

wendilea:

I would think it would make more sense for your SO to get makeup time after the wedding, not going back and forth the day of the rehearsal dinner and wedding.  The event itself is stressful enough, you're only adding to it by making her travel both days as well.

Get out a calendar, and make clear what dates she is looking for and how it affects SO's parenting time.  If she's taking 2 extra days, pick a time after the wedding to make those days up.  If he's giving up a holiday, which holiday does she want to switch?

Approach it as "I'm willing to negotiate for the sake of your family obligations and so LO is not stressed out for the wedding, looking at a calendar, you will have her XX extra days.  I would like to swap those days for XX-XX.  Also, since Labor Day should be my holiday this year, I am asking for your flexibility regarding Thanksgiving and my vacation."

 

This is actually close to what SO did, he could tell she was getting worked up so let things drop for a bit then sent her a message that he does not want LO ti miss out on the wedding so if she has a different option to propose or a different 2 days she think would work better to please let him know.  Part of the problem has been that details were not told to SO until they effected BM's plans...first he was made to believe the wedding was in town, then told it was out of state when he brought up day switching, then BM was going to be out of state for vaca a week before, then it was that she would be there for the week leading up to the wedding.

 

When SO sent that message BM responded that she will never do another thing SO asks ever again.  She had agreed to switch weekends with him for a weekend coming up and said she "takes that back" and she will never switch a day or weekend with him ever again because he is ruining there daughters life by trying to interrupt her vacation and he is being completely unreasonable and offering her no options and giving her no choice.  He responded that she had already agreed in writing to the switch and can not just decide to "take it back" and that he does not want LO to miss the event so if she has another solution or diff days to propose please let him know, similar to when he asked for the weekend switch and offered her 3 diff weekends in return so she could see what worked best.

 

I'm really hoping she will calm down and just offer 2 diff days.  Neither of us wants LO to miss the wedding but we also do not want BM to think( as she has told us in the past) that is the mother so she deserves extra time but he is the father and is lucky for what he gets.  Honestly I think SO would accept any days she suggested as long as she was willing to compromise so crossing my fingers it works out.

MommyEllenSue

Give her a little time to cool off sounds like she is throwing a little hissy fit. Then just tell her something like hey I really want to work this out so everybody is happy. It might work or might not but it's worth a try. BM here is the same only "her family" matters but we stand firm too and don't let her get away with things like that. She gets mad and then calms down and comes around.

Littlejen22

If she does not compromise definitely hold into the proof that she is refusing to compromise because it sounds like you will eventually be back in court.

hindsight's_a_biotch

If I'm your SO and I'm understanding your post, I would propose she gives up the first two days of her vacay to SO and then gets the kid from then until the wedding. Fair or not, it makes absolutely no sense to bring her back from the rehearsal dinner only to come back and get her the next day for the wedding.

 And I swear I understand that she never compromises for you and I know that's frustrating but it doesn't make sense to me to deny something reasonable just because she's a diick in the box on the regular. 

CurlieWhirlie

emcmac87:

CurlieWhirlie:

I think you should probably stop thinking about schedule changes/accommodations as "fair" or "unfair". When you use those words, what you mean is "unfair to me and SO", and you are losing sight of the most important person here: the kid.

Are frequent schedule changes unfair to her? Probably, since she's little, and little kids like routine and stability. But it doesn't sound like this is a regular thing, it sounds like a one-time change BM is asking for, and you're feeling it's unfair because she hasn't accommodated changes your SO wanted to make in the past. Which, again, is all feelings the adults are feeling, and has nothing to do with the kid's feelings. 

It's really, really hard, for sure, but you have to put those feelings aside and consider what is best for the child. Is she the kind of girl who would rather go camping with dad than be a flower girl in her aunt's wedding? Would there be a bunch of cousins at the wedding she'd miss hanging out with? Etc. 

I could have been unclear in my post but I did not mean is it fair or unfair to us, I meant is it fair that we are giving BM these 2 different options or should we just go with whatever she says she thinks we should do.  He's already agreed that he will let her go to the wedding and change his plans around for that weekend.  I only brought up what BM has said in the past to show that it seems like in her opinion time should be traded for events like these, so that is what we are trying to do.  

Oh I see! Sorry, I may have been projecting a little bit, there. :-)  It seems like you are being more than fair, and good for your SO for being flexible in order to impact his daughter the least.  

Sigir

hindsight's_a_biotch:

If I'm your SO and I'm understanding your post, I would propose she gives up the first two days of her vacay to SO and then gets the kid from then until the wedding. Fair or not, it makes absolutely no sense to bring her back from the rehearsal dinner only to come back and get her the next day for the wedding.nbsp;And I swear I understand that she never compromises for you and I know that's frustrating but it doesn't make sense to me to deny something reasonable just because she's a diick in the box on the regular.nbsp;

Ita. 12 days apart is a long time but this is a one time thing. To suggest she has to bring her back between states is not reasonable. If I were you I would have SO just suggest his own 2 make up dates which are not in the middle of BMs trip.

emme022

[.quote]
Ita. 12 days apart is a long time but this is a one time thing. To suggest she has to bring her back between states is not reasonable. If I were you I would have SO just suggest his own 2 make up dates which are not in the middle of BMs trip.

I agree. When SO proposed the switch of the 2 days previous to the wedding he had not been told they would be out of state before the wedding, just for it. The info kind of trickled in as what he proposed interfered with her plans. It didn't occur to him that she would be out of state the beginning of the week since in there CO she is supposed to be returned to SO in Sunday and BM never asked/said anything about not doing that. Obv SO is not going to make her bring her back just fit Sunday night he was just surprised she didn't even ask/tell him or anything. At the moment BM still has it stuck in her head he will only accept those 2 days not diff ones although he has said it more than once so we will see what happens. I'm hoping she agrees to 2 other days and we can just move past this.

hindsight's_a_biotch

Even if the wedding was down the street, it honestly makes no sense to bring her back after a rehearsal dinner, particular if it's to be at night only to come back for her in the morning. She's the flower girl. There will be pictures, there will be cuteness, there will be family to gush over her. And practically speaking, it's really difficult to predict the timing on a wedding weekend.

emme022

hindsight's_a_biotch:

Even if the wedding was down the street, it honestly makes no sense to bring her back after a rehearsal dinner, particular if it's to be at night only to come back for her in the morning. She's the flower girl. There will be pictures, there will be cuteness, there will be family to gush over her. And practically speaking, it's really difficult to predict the timing on a wedding weekend.

Yea i can understand that now that you say it.  Honestly the only wedding I've been to in years the flower girl was there briefly for the rehearsal and that was it, not for the dinner etc so that was more what I was envisioning at the time for why it made sense, also since its a wed/thurs wedding it might work differently also who knows.  I kind of think SO offered that as an option to kind of say either way I'm going to let her be there but sort of show why it made more sense to just do an exchange of days.  I also know he has had a hard time lately because BM has lied to him a lot lately and some debt she hid and unreported income on taxes has come back to bite him so he's having a hard time being as understanding as he should.  He and BM had a veeeery controlling relationship so I think sometimes he goes to far in the other direction because he's afraid of having that relationship again or something, not sure.  But I think that's why it's a good idea to get other opinions here, he usually tells me his feelings beforehand so I can say things like are you sure that sounds kind of extreme etc.  It is also still a new-ish situation for them.  And this is way to much typing to basically say thanks for all the opinions and perspectives, it definitely helps.

hindsight's_a_biotch

Oh I definitely understand what you're saying. It's very easy to do things of out spite and not you know, what you typically mean when someone says out of spite but just, well, I think you know what I mean. I cannot stand my ex husband nor his little buttinski of a wife. So often times when they make requests, I have to sit back and let it simmer for a while before I can look at it dispassionately and make a decision.

But at the end of the day, I try not to let their past actions or their present personalities influence my decision. I try to do what makes the most sense for me, for the kid, and what brings me the least drama, gives them less irritation if it's reasonable to do so, kwim? I don't want to accommodate them as much as I want to minimize the impact of their idiocy on my life.