MIL Vent...thoughts?

jd614

I am going back to work in a few weeks and im so fortunate that my mother in law is going to watch DS 2 days a week and my mom 3 days a week. My MIL is wonderful, but slightly overbearing. Its her first grandchild and i Understand the excitement for sure, but sometimes its too much. She constantly makes comments like "No one could love him as much as I do. and I am so excited to watch him bc i just feel like no one can take care of him like I do."  It comes from a good place and it makes me sad bc of course I know I am the best caretaker for him but whatever. The other day she was here watching him for a few hours and I have told her repeatedly that he naps in the crib and is really starting to get into a routine so I want to keep it that way. All she wants to do is hold him. Of course I come home and hes sleeping on her shoulder and she says hes been that way for a half hour. I asked her nicely to put him in the crib. The final straw was later that night when she called me to tell me that he spits up too much and she is not comfortable with him sleeping on his back in his crib. He should still be in our room (even though he doesnt fit in the bassinet anymore?!?!).  I am angry that she is questioning my parenting and going against the routines in our home that we have set. Because DS will have multiple caretakers a routine is easiest and best for him and makes weekends doable for us so he isnt thrown off too much. Am i being ridiculous here? I am having a hard enough time thinking about going back to work and now I am just worried about her watching him 2 days a week. She also told me she started DH on solids at 6 wks and he was drinking whole milk at 6 mos. I have visions of coming home from work and my son eating jarred food at 3 mos! GRR.

LoCarb

If you can swing it financially have an outside person (nanny, in home DC, DC facility) to watch your LO. It's not worth ruining a personal relationship. You often get what you pay for.

Otherwise, have your H talk to his mom about respecting your parenting wishes. It's been a long time since she has cared for a baby and pediatric recommendations have changed (ie: sleep on back v tummy).

Mjmksb04

Honestly, stuff like this is not going to get better once she becomes your child's daycare. But you should really pick your battles with some of it. Not sure how old your baby is, but napping in her arms is no big deal IMO. My DS was rocked to sleep at his babysitter's house until he was like 3, but he still went down drowsy but awake at our house for naps and it made no difference. Everyone has to deal with unsolicited advice to some degree and I guess my take on it is that if you want things done exactly your way, you are going to have to pay an outside person, and even then, everything isn't always going to be picture perfect. The things you mention don't seem like a big thing to me, but maybe I am missing some of it.

Pips09

If she doens't follow your rules, then she doesn't get to watch your baby.

I'm all for letting grandparents get away with a little more when it's once in a while, but as a regular care provider, that's not OK.

thedash

I would be annoyed by those comments too but honestly you set yourself up for it when you make an overly involved grandmother a regular DCP. Especially if you're not paying her it's hard to expect her to follow your rules and routines as a nanny would. My MIL is similarly well intentioned but irritating. For that reason I have used her as childcare very very rarely. Instead we plan activities together as a family or ask her to watch DS for very short periods of time.

I think you are going to have to tell her very directly that there are certain things she cannot do or must do when she watches DS. It will be awkward for everyone but if things continue like this you will build up resentment and I think it will be even worse.

EastCoastBride

Pips09:

If she doens't follow your rules, then she doesn't get to watch your baby.

I'm all for letting grandparents get away with a little more when it's once in a while, but as a regular care provider, that's not OK.

This.  SHe's said enough things and she's clearly DOING things you don't want her to do - I don't really see how you can trust her.  She's going to be one of those "but when *I* had a baby, *I* did ___ and he turned out fine" people.  Um, no..  Times have changed, we know more about babies and their development and safety.

She is going to be a REGULAR caregiver.  She needs to get in line w/ what you want and if she doesn't, then she doesn't get to be a regular caregiver.

 While my parents watch DS 2 days a week and have for 4 years, I always KNEW they'd be good.  Do you and DH really believe she's the best choice, or are you using her because 1- you feel you have to be "fair" since your using your mom too and 2- is she free?

Using family isn't always the right choice. 

jd614

Thanks for the great responses! First, we are paying her. Not nearly as much as daycare or a nanny would be but we are paying her. The thing is, she is very conscious of asking questions like "how much does he eat at each feeding? Does he like his play mat? what cream is best to use on him when I change his diaper." Etc. so she seems like she wants to follow how we do things. ANd I know she just loves him SO much, I can understand why she wants to hold him all the time bc right now she doesnt seem him all the time. She also prefaced the conversation about him sleeping on the back like "please tell me if im overstepping boundaries or meddling" and its my fault for not nipping it in the bud right then.  DH and I agreed that we are sitting down and setting some ground rules before she starts-and one point will be if we feel like hes drifting from the way we like to do things, then we arent opposed to finding alternate day care. This wasnt a long term solution anywhere it was more like a "through the end of the year plan" but still. I hate to be a stickler and im pretty go with the flow-but hes my child and this is our home so I dont think its unreasonable to have a few ground rules. And with whoever said you knew your parents would be good-thats how I feel. I cant say that to DH but my parents have 5 grandchildren and have been a caretaker for one of them before, so they are very good and not at all invasive.

Iblamethebeer

Yeah, you need to get someone else to be your regular childcare.

For real safety issues (whole milk at 6 months) I think you can put your foot down, but on general doting/indulgence (letting him sleep in her arms) I sort of think that's grandparent prerogative.  But that only works if the grandparent is in charge rarely enough that it doesn't permanently screw up your kids routine/sense of boundaries. 

This really is a case of you get what you pay for, and if you want someone to follow your rules and your schedule you're going to need to employ someone to do that. 

skibunny59

Mjmksb04:

Honestly, stuff like this is not going to get better once she becomes your child's daycare. But you should really pick your battles with some of it. Not sure how old your baby is, but napping in her arms is no big deal IMO. My DS was rocked to sleep at his babysitter's house until he was like 3, but he still went down drowsy but awake at our house for naps and it made no difference. Everyone has to deal with unsolicited advice to some degree and I guess my take on it is that if you want things done exactly your way, you are going to have to pay an outside person, and even then, everything isn't always going to be picture perfect. The things you mention don't seem like a big thing to me, but maybe I am missing some of it.

All of this!  I agree that I don't see like much of this is a big deal.  My mom watches DD fulltime while I am at work.   I pick my battles and I talk to her about what is important to me.  For the most part, my mother does obey my wishes on things that are super important to me (healthy food, limited tv) and the rest I usually just let it go.  My mom still rocks DD to sleep and she is 14 months.  I don't see it as a big deal.   

The reason I have my mother is 1) my mom offered to watch DD full time.  I wouldn't want her doing it if she really didn't want to.  2) I really believe that DD is getting the best care with my mom.  I know DD would do fine in a daycare but no daycare teacher was going to love my DD as much as her own grandmother.  I'm not saying that daycare teachers don't love the kids they are taking care of but you just can't compare that to a family member.

Also, just because your MIL fed her kids solids at 6 weeks doesn't mean she's going to do that with your DS.

And with the bolded.  Even if you are paying someone there is still no guarantee that theyare going to do things exactly as you would want them done.  NO ONE is going to watch your kid EXACTLY as you would.  This is just something that we just have to deal with as working moms.

skibunny59

JNL$LSM:

jd614:

 

She also told me she started DH on solids at 6 wks and he was drinking whole milk at 6 mos. I have visions of coming home from work and my son eating jarred food at 3 mos! GRR.

 

This right here scares me. She will do it, because that is what she did to her son and she thinks it is right. I agree if she cannot follow your instructions while babysitting him for a short period of time, she is not going to do in in the long term.

 

I think you will do best finding someone else.

 

I'm sorry but this is just silly.  Most of our parents started us on solids and whole milk super early.  It's because that's what pediatricians were telling our parents to do at the time.  Also, OP your MIL said she started DH on solids and whole milk early.  She didn't say your DS should be having solids or whole milk.

My mom and MIL make comments like this all the time.  I have realized that they are just commenting on how much the recommendations have changed.

amyc216

Oh girl, I feel your pain.  Although my mom keeps DS about 98% of the time, my MIL has jumped in to take some days on occasion.  Anyway, my MIL used to say the same crap to me about giving MH cereal when he was like 2 weeks so he'd sleep and always asking condescending questions about my BFing.  Argh!  Luckily, she was pretty good about following my rules and whatever schedule I was using.  My mom would make up her own schedule and also held DS for naps until a few months ago!  Luckily, her holding him never messed up his ability to be put down for naps with me or DH.  I guess I don't really have any advice, but I can commiserate and also tell you this is what comes of having relatives keep the baby.  It's a great thing in many ways, but it's also a bad thing b/c they all think they know best. 

SunAndRain

Based on what you have said, I think you can make this work.

1) find some literature that is written for grandparents on the new ways of caring for babies.  It is out there, free, on the web.  It'll provide a neutral 3rd party to help her understand what has changed and why it is important to follow new guidelines.  Have all grandparent caregivers read it!

2) talk to her and openly acknowledge that you are going to have different "mothering" styles, and that is OK.  However, some things you are going to feel strongly about and won't be willing to budge on.  Let her know what those are (i.e back to sleep and other widely recognized issues of safety), and then let the rest go. 

3) Don't put conversations off on to DH.  Likely he won't care about the details as much as you, and you need to have open communication with your child's caregiver just as much as the father does.

Even a nanny might do some things differently.  Of course they should follow your rules, but at some point you have to let go and trust the caregiver to have good judgement.

good luck!

Dukos

SunAndRain:

Based on what you have said, I think you can make this work.

1) find some literature that is written for grandparents on the new ways of caring for babies.  It is out there, free, on the web.  It'll provide a neutral 3rd party to help her understand what has changed and why it is important to follow new guidelines.  Have all grandparent caregivers read it!

2) talk to her and openly acknowledge that you are going to have different "mothering" styles, and that is OK.  However, some things you are going to feel strongly about and won't be willing to budge on.  Let her know what those are (i.e back to sleep and other widely recognized issues of safety), and then let the rest go. 

3) Don't put conversations off on to DH.  Likely he won't care about the details as much as you, and you need to have open communication with your child's caregiver just as much as the father does.

Even a nanny might do some things differently.  Of course they should follow your rules, but at some point you have to let go and trust the caregiver to have good judgement.

good luck!

Hi,

I agree with this.  My mom watches my DD who is now 2, 2 days a week, my MIL 1 day a week, and we have a nanny 2 days a week.  I won't lie to you, it's a juggling act and it can be tough sometimes.  Whether you pay them or not, your MIL is your MIL.  So, you have to tread softly here because it's in you and your family's best interest to preserve the relationship.

Nobody, even a paid nanny, is going to do every little thing exactly like you do. So it is a balance of learning which things to let go of, and which things are important and need to be discussed.

You have to pick your battles.  In my house, anything that involves the baby's safety warrants a discussion.  The sleeping warrants a discussion, developing good sleep routines to ensure babies sleep well is important - it ends up affecting everyone in the family.  When my MIL puts outfits on her I don't care for or things like that, I let that go.

The deciding factor is really if she listens to you, which it sounds like your MIL would do.  Things have changed drastically since they had kids.  It's an adjustment and they don't always know what to do.  Once you show her some studies on SIDS for example, she'll probably get on board with putting baby to sleep on his/ her back.

If she is like my friend's MIL and says "oh, well.  This is how I'm doing it!"  THEN it's time to get a nanny!  

GL! 

 

shannm

I'm with you on this. Have a talk with her. Restate your desire for routine and spell out specifics. Ask her if she feels comfortable following those guidelines. If she says no or hesitates, just tell her that you will have to agree to disagree and let her be grandma and not your childcare. Make it a black or white issue. She sounds like she will take advantage of the situation if you are not really clear cut.

asyph107

I wouldn't be comfortable with it. I would find an outside person, or daycare, you are going to keep coming home to things that you would never choose, or things you asked her to do. She seems to be doing it out of pure love but some people don't know or care how much they interfere or push their own beliefs. 

If I were in your shoes I would find another arrangement and just tell her that you don't want her to be "burdened' with care giving but you just want her to be a loving grandma.

monica92603

I get she's excited b/c it's her first grandchild but so was my daughter to both my mother and MIL.  They would never dream of a) hinting I was doing something wrong or b) not doing exactly as H or I ask.  I get a scrunched up face from time to time about certain things but that's it.

I would either have a serious talk or find alternate care for those few days. If you let her just do what she wants w/out saying anything you are ALLOWING it to happen. Choosing battles or not, your kid, your rules.

jd614

Thanks ladies! I took some of your advice and actually sent her an email with a few articles on SIDS prevention that outlines why children now sleep on their backs. I also sent her some info on the risks of starting children on solids too early. We will see if she responds, and if not, when I call to wish her happy mothers day tomorrow I will casually meant it. I was very nice and warm in the email and was just like, "here are articles on some of the things I mentioned to you the other night when you voiced your concerns." I even had DH read it and he said it was perfect, hes totally on the same page so that definitely helps!

Mustardseed2007

I've posted on here before about how we have family watch our LO and it works for us. 

But even from the short amount of time you have tried to use family as childcare it's clear that it is not going to work and actually could even potentially damage your relationship with your MIL if you continue. 

Basically, if you aren't 100% respectful of each other, and don't 100% LIKE each other then family care doesn't work, and even I can tell you guys simply aren't there.

She doesn't respect the routine you're trying to use, you resent her interference....find a nice center, nanny or in home that you like and have your DH break it to her gently.   

By the way, I don't think your conditions are wrong at all. It is your child. You don't have to be flexible on a very young child's feeding habits or place of sleep if you don't want to be. Yes, no one will take care of your child 100% the way you do, but you're talking about very basic things here that are a very large part of an infants life -seeing as how eating and sleeping is pretty much what they do.