S/O Treating Parents and InLaws Differently

PSU_Texan

For those that don't live near either set, do you treat how often you try and go see the families differently?  Both sets are at least 1 flight + drive or 2 connecting flights away (not in the same area).  I find myself more willing to spend the money to visit my family because they reciprocate and come see us frequently and they are more helpful with the kids.  And in general, their house is more comfortable and has more to do around the area.  My in-laws only come see us once/year.  And despite asking us to go see them, once we're there, they don't really do much with the kids.  I just feel pulled to make things as even as possible but it doesn't always seem practical.

EastCoastBride

My parents live 10 mins away and are very involved in DSs life.  ILs live about 45 - 60 mins away.

Yes, there is a huge difference in how we treat them.  My parents are easy to talk to, spend time with, etc.  They actively engage w/ DS and he really enjoys spending time with them.

ILs aren't easy to talk to, doing anything w/ them is always complicated, and they don't engage DS.  FIL talks the talk of wanting to spend more time w/ DS, but the reality of that is that when he's around DS- he's paying attention to other things, or sometimes just out and out napping.

We've traveled WITH my parents and will gladly do it again.  IT's always fun and enjoyable.  We've traveled to the same places as ILs (for big family events), but we try hard to avoid traveling WITH them.  We might do a weekend at the beach, but that's it and we're on our own time table. 

I would LOVE (for DSs sake) to have more equality between the two, but the ILs just don't make it happen.  

I dont' expect anyone to watch DS for us, to entertain him FOR us, but the word "engage" is what works for me.  Engage him, talk to him, pay attention to him.  You don't have to literally get down on the floor and play with him, but act like he's actually there and be interested in him.

ILs barely do this.  And w/ all the other issues we have with them, this is just one more reason why traveling with them is a pain. 

GrayGhost13

FIL is within a day's drive and MIL and SFIL are in another state we have to fly to, so we see them at different times.

We see FIL more often but usually for shorter time periods, like only a day or two at a time when he's passing through town. If we spend the money to fly to MIL and SFIL, then we're probably going to stay a week or so and likewise if they come to us.

Ilumine

We live a plane ride away from both sides of the family.  When DD was born, we offered to pay for both grandmothers to come down after her birth...MIL refused and My Mom (MM) was there on her own dime. 

We again offered to fly my parents and MIL and her BF down for DD's baptism and again, my parents came and MIL did not.

When we moved to Europe, we offered to fly MIL and BF out to visit us twice, once for DH's retirement from the USAF.  Guess who came and who did not?

DH now has a job that only offers up 10 days (after earning them) of vacation.  Guess who is going to get those days for Christmas this year?  

I am an adult and as such, I will interact with other adults, be it the woman who spat me out of her uterus or the woman who spat out my DH, on an equal level.  Reciprocity on all counts.

If you cannot be damned to put forth any effort (even when that effort is on my dime) then you will not get as much from me.

 

EastCoastBride

CTGirl30:

  You know, this is the problem I have with my own mother and DD. She will be the one to ask if she can visit but then barely acknowledges DD and will sit and do a crossword puzzle while my dad is the one actively engaging with her and playing with her, etc...

At least one of your parents engages!  We were at the beach w/ them last weekend.  Saturday afternoon DS is playing, full of energy, trying to engage them.

FIL went into his room to lay down and read.  MIL and her nose in People magazine.  Ds TRIED to talk to her and get her to play.  She barely lifted her nose.

It's angering, actually.  At least DH sees it and while we will make some effort to see them, we VERY much keep our own schedule, do what we need to do when we need to do it.  We don't wait on them and alter our schedule for them.