Worried

lbugher

I'm really excited about starting a family and am looking forward to having babies of my own, but I have a fear...

I'm worried my kids will feel like they're missing something if they don't know their biological father (I plan to use donor insemination).  I don't doubt my or my partner's ability to be good parents.  I know we'll do the best we can and all that.  I don't know if my fears stem from an assault of gay-hate by the religious right or if this is someting that really happens.

 Any veteran lesbian moms out there who can give me some reassurance?  This is still pretty new and uncommon relative to other types of families, I realize.  I am intensely hoping with the legalization of gay marriage that my kids will feel validated in our family and not suffer the way other kids of gays and lesbians did when coming of age in the 80's and 90's.

What gives me comfort is knowing that no parent or family is perfect, and there's always going to be something your kid resents you for no matter what you do or how hard you try. But nonetheless you still love your family even if it's flawed, right?

Bah.  Does anyone else worry about this, too???

2moms2b

I really hate hate hate the stigma that kids will feel like they are missing something in their life by not having a mom, dad (traditional family and I even hate that term)  My partner and I have two boys and we have heard this too many times.  I say F, them!   A family is simply made of people who love and care for each other and provide a safe, stable and supportive environment for their children.  M and I have an amazing relationship and that to me is enough to know that our boys will not feel like they are lacking anything.

I don't worry that our boys will one day feel such a strong desire to meet the other half of their DNA cause to us that is all our donor is.  He is not a father, dad or anything to our boys and I honestly believe the title of dad or father has nothing to do with DNA.  It is a title that is earned much like mom or any other title.   He didn't wipe tears, cuddle with them, rock them to sleep, praise them for good behavior, or deal with the tantrums or help them process new feelings.  He didn't offer any support financially to make sure they had everything they needed.  He wasn't there to tuck them in at night and make sure there were no monsters in waiting.  These are the things a parent does plus a ton more.  He simply was generous enough to help us make these boys through his donation and for that M and I are forever grateful but honestly he has no place in our family beyond that.  When they are old enough we will be very honest with them of how they came to be and answer questions as they ask but we will also reinforce our parental roles and what makes a parent.  With this honesty we will be able to appropriate handle and address the different family types and that no one is better than the other. 

Some people may say I am dreaming to think that it won't be a big deal to our boys who the other half of their DNA is but I just feel that if we are honest and do the best we can raising them then they won't feel any void or feel incomplete in anyway as they know their family loves them.  I know there will be some general curiosity as they get older but I don't feel one bit guilty that they will never be able to meet their donor.  We will just age appropriately handle this curiosity and help them process feelings related to it.  Every family has their issues and that is never going to change.  I just wish society would get away from gender/sex roles and understand it takes so much more to be a parent and raise a child in a loving household.

Littlejen22

Totally lurker here. I am not LGBT and neither are my parents but FWIW I was adopted as an infant and always knew and never felt slighted that I did not know my biological parents. I know it is not exactly the same because I did still have a mother and father but I always felt part of our family and accepted and loved so I never felt like I was missing something. Hopefully society will keep changing in the right direction so other kids will not make comments and teachers will be more sensitive and inclusive but I really think if you and your partner raise your children with knowing how loved they were and how much you wanted them they will be fine. Good luck.

ETA: I just wanted to add that many kids will still grow up hoping to meet the persons whose DNA created them because it is someone who might look like them or act like them but it does not necessarily mean that the child thought they missed out on something. I am slightly interested now that I am 38 but I am more than happy with my life. If I met my biological parents I would assure them they made a good choice and I thank them. I might be curious but they could never replace my family because they are DNA and not family.

2moms2b

Littlejen22:

Totally lurker here. I am not LGBT and neither are my parents but FWIW I was adopted as an infant and always knew and never felt slighted that I did not know my biological parents. I know it is not exactly the same because I did still have a mother and father but I always felt part of our family and accepted and loved so I never felt like I was missing something. Hopefully society will keep changing in the right direction so other kids will not make comments and teachers will be more sensitive and inclusive but I really think if you and your partner raise your children with knowing how loved they were and how much you wanted them they will be fine. Good luck. ETA: I just wanted to add that many kids will still grow up hoping to meet the persons whose DNA created them because it is someone who might look like them or act like them but it does not necessarily mean that the child thought they missed out on something. I am slightly interested now that I am 38 but I am more than happy with my life. If I met my biological parents I would assure them they made a good choice and I thank them. I might be curious but they could never replace my family because they are DNA and not family.

Thank you so much for sharing that!  It's exactly how I look at it.  Loving and supportive family conquer all!

Manada

2moms2b:

I really hate hate hate the stigma that kids will feel like they are missing something in their life by not having a mom, dad (traditional family and I even hate that term)  My partner and I have two boys and we have heard this too many times.  I say F, them!   A family is simply made of people who love and care for each other and provide a safe, stable and supportive environment for their children.  M and I have an amazing relationship and that to me is enough to know that our boys will not feel like they are lacking anything.

 

Yup - what she said.