Treating Parents and In-Laws Differently

GrayGhost13

Our ILs (who live out of state) and my mom (who lives locally) both do a lot for our family in different ways, so we like to give them nice gifts for special occasions or, since my mom is local, treat her to nice dinners or fun activities now and then.

Unfortunately, my mom has made it known that gifts or dinners out and such make her uncomfortable because she doesn't have the money to reciprocate. We have made it clear that the things she does for us (babysitting, pet sitting, bringing us meals, etc.) are valued and this is our way of saying thank you, but she still reacts negatively to our gifts, so I'm thinking it's time to scale back.

Does anyone treat their ILs differently than their parents when it comes to gifts and things? It feels weird for me to spend more on MIL for mother's day than my mom, but we couldn't really find one gift that felt appropriate for both ladies. (P.S. - I am not domestically talented, so making beautiful homemade gifts or food for both is not an option, unfortunately.)

Ms5586

I'd focus less on the difference of money spent, and more on the fact that you're finding a way to make your mom happy and valued, without making her uncomfortable.  Maybe just have her over for dinner a night, and give her a vase of flowers?

littlestjerry

My parents live out of town and hate it when we get them gifts. My in-laws live in town and don't expect gifts either, but the reality is that, since we spend birthdays and mothers/fathers day with them, they get more gifts from us than my parents do.

BIL/SIL buy my in-laws a lot of expensive gifts, so it would be uncomfortable for us if we showed up with nothing. We still don't spend that much on them. Like, for Mother's Day, I sent my mom a card with pictures of us and DS on it. MIL will get some novelty popcorn (she loves popcorn) and a little popcorn bowl. Nothing fancy, that's for sure.

EastCoastBride

Yes, we treat them differently.  Different people, different relationships, etc.  I don't see why that have to be treated the same!

missymo

We give my parents gifts on birthdays, Mother's Day and Father's Day, and Christmas. We ONLY give my inlaws Christmas gifts.

When my husband and I got together I was used to giving gifts to my parents, so I would insist we give them to his as well. But as the years rolled by, and my in laws failed to give me a birthday gift EVER, I realized they they just aren't into that. So we no longer give them anything except at Christmas.

MooOink

FIL is 90, and never wants gifts. He gives us gifts on his birthday. We got him silly gifts a year and a half ago and they are sitting in the exact same place as when he opened them. We have him a frames pic of DS and he has it hanging up. We found he will accept sentimental gifts.

We like to treat my parents because they aren't able to treat themselves very much.

GrayGhost13

Thanks, guys! Intellectually, I know it should be ok to do what the other person likes. It just feels weird to treat them differently. Plus I guess I have some ongoing guilt that my mom doesn't have the same lifestyle we do, so I guess maybe I'm trying to compensate for that with our gifts.

I think this year we're going to do mother's day at our house and just do a small gift for my mom (a framed photo of DS). I feel kind of guilty like that's not enough, but I know my mom would rather stay in than go somewhere fancy, so I am trying to follow her lead.

MrsCodeMonkey

If they can't reciprocate I can understand why it would make them uncomfortable. My parents don't accept gifts well either, even though they helped us with so much and gifted us a lot of stuff for the house. My mom on occasion has attempted to return a gift to us because she doesn't need it and doesn't want us spending the money. It makes gift giving so tough.

We have scaled back too for this reason. For example, one Christmas I bought my mom a bunch of food items I love from the organic section at the grocery store. I got fancy honey, tea, chocolate, homemade pasta, etc. I thought she would love it, but she hid it in our pantry before they left. I was offended, but she explained it was too much and she felt like she was taking away our food, which was not the case, but I let it go. I got her a sweater and made her promise to keep it. Next time I'm going with a decorated canvas bag with DD's handprints. She will not return that. Haha!

On the other hand, my ILs are insanely generous with presents and we feel bad to only bring a tiny gift when they buy a billion.

You said you're not crafty, but what about ordering photo gifts from Shutterfly? I make calendars, mugs, magnets, etc. They're always received well.

GrayGhost13

MrsCodeMonkey:

If they can't reciprocate I can understand why it would make them uncomfortable. My parents don't accept gifts well either, even though they helped us with so much and gifted us a lot of stuff for the house. My mom on occasion has attempted to return a gift to us because she doesn't need it and doesn't want us spending the money. It makes gift giving so tough. We have scaled back too for this reason. For example, one Christmas I bought my mom a bunch of food items I love from the organic section at the grocery store. I got fancy honey, tea, chocolate, homemade pasta, etc. I thought she would love it, but she hid it in our pantry before they left. I was offended, but she explained it was too much and she felt like she was taking away our food, which was not the case, but I let it go. I got her a sweater and made her promise to keep it. Next time I'm going with a decorated canvas bag with DD's handprints. She will not return that. Haha! On the other hand, my ILs are insanely generous with presents and we feel bad to only bring a tiny gift when they buy a billion. You said you're not crafty, but what about ordering photo gifts from Shutterfly? I make calendars, mugs, magnets, etc. They're always received well.

 This has happened to us several times as well! We have had numerous gifts just given back to us.

I have done photo gifts a few times and will probably do another one this year. I just hate to do the exact same gift every year. (Plus, TBH, I ran out of time to do the photobook this year! LOL!)

GrayGhost13

Darbie914:

What sort of things does your mom like to do?  Does she have any hobbies that you can buy accessories for (baking, crafting, etc)?  

She is tough to buy for. She doesn't have any hobbies and doesn't really like to go places much. She doesn't getting more "stuff" to put in her house, and she hates shopping for clothes. She tries to give gift cards back to us.

I try to be a thoughtful gift giver but it is tough!

seahorse102410

SouthSideDrea:

Of course we treat them differently, they are different people with different love languages.

My family is very generous with gifts, time, money. My in laws are just not that way. It's not a beter or worse thing, they are just different people. My upbringing and my husbands were also different. We treat them the way they like to be treated.

Exactly this.

RayRay007

We treat them differently because they have different desires and values. DH's family is all about the $ figure of a gift, so much so that if they find the perfect gift that's "only" $60, they will throw in a bunch of random crap or cash to make it $100 or $200. They bought me an awesome cook book for my bday one year ($40) and stuffed it full of cash. I hate hate hate it, but when we are shopping for parents for Christmas DH is the same way and insists we spend a certain dollar figure. I limit this to his parents. My parent's are way more happy with practical gifts. So if I find something I think they need or like and it's $20, that's what they get. And I don't feel bad about it, because they are both getting what they want.

My GM is old and has everything she could ever need and so we take her out to shows or dinner as gifts. One year it was a week long event pass to a sporting even which cost way more than what we'd spend on other family members, but it was super special to her. I didn't feel bad that I didn't spend that amount on someone else.

topbirdsix

We treat our parents and families completely differently...and it's fine by me. My husband's mother has a specific set of expectations. People show their love by how much you spend, how you recognize, etc. It was a near war when he moved away (another country) and decided to not send birthday cards anymore.

My parents are the exact opposite. They don't want anything aside from spending a little quality time with their children and grandchildren.

These opposites hold true in all aspects of life. And, while I may be a bit biased, I do think my parents are actually happier.

chardonnay24

We treat them differently, but that is because we love my parents and hate my ILs. My ILs are just awful and H doesn't have a good relationship with them. We see them on major holidays. MIL will maybe get a card for Mother's Day. My parents are awesome and we have a great relationship with them. We have dinner with my parents at least once a week, plus holidays and birthdays. I take yoga class with my mom, go shopping, get pedicures. We don't have a lot of money right now, but she'll probably get a card and my sisters and I are throwing a Mother's Day brunch for my mom and grandma. I might have A do a cute craft or something.

Kitiara5512

My ILs live over 6 hours away. They send gifts for C and MIL sends checks for H's and my birthdays and for Christmas. We send cards back and gifts tend to be in the form of C's artwork or framed pics and stuff. H and his parents are not close and they have not really had the kids to gifts for anything other than Christmas for them anyway and thats only if visiting for the holiday.

My parents live about 10 minutes away. We spend most of our holidays with them since we both tend to work most holidays and cant go out of town. We do gifts for them for Christmas and we might fix meals or something. My Christmas gift to my dad is baking coupons so he can request certain items be baked or whatever. Mom sends lunch for H for work or sends dinner home every so often and we reciprocate.