Nervous about telling SDs about new baby

irishgirl0525

Hi ladies.  I'm very nervous about sharing the news of our baby with my stepdaughters (18 and 20).  I was wondering if any of you who have older stepchildren (who are not on the best of terms with you) and younger children have any advice about this. 

I will be 13 weeks tomorrow and we wanted to wait until at least 12 weeks, so this really is the week. SD2 will be at our house on Thursday probably, so we can tell her then.  I think she will be ok with it, but I'm not sure.  She will likely internalize it if she is upset and never communicate it, but there isn't much I can do about that except hope that she is dealing with it if it upsets her. She keeps herself emotionally at a distance from DH and me, so while we get along, a lot of it is superficial, TV, music, school are safe topics, but not a lot deeper than that.

Unfortunately we'll have to tell SD1 on the phone most likely, she is at odds with BM and probably won't be coming home for Mother's day. They usually end up making up right before holidays/birthdays so there is still the possibility, but she is also avoiding me right now so I don't think a face to face is likely.  Plus, if we do tell SD1 on Thursday, we certainly don't want her carrying that around as something she can't share with her sister until we tell her, so it has to be soon. If we could tell them together it would be great, but I don't think that is a possibility.

I'm more nervous about sharing it with SD1 because she is angry with me right now for reasons I am not entirely clear on, but that is another story, which I will try to post about another time.  I have no idea what either of their reactions will be, and I know I can't control it, but I'm hoping they won't go off the deep end. For SD1 I envision her using the pregnancy as an excuse to stop going to classes, start calling DH and manipulating him with "I'm afraid you won't love me anymore once  you have the baby".  I don't know. I don't give her a lot of credit because quite frankly, she has a bad track record for doing things like. I hope I am wrong. Maybe it will be an icebreaker between us.

DH mentioned calling her on his own to tell her but I am wholeheartedly against that, as I feel it will look like we are separate, not together on it.  I don't want her to feel like she can ignore the fact that I am in the equation. If we are on speakerphone together and he says it, at least I am there too. She can call him later and complain, but I want to be there when he tells her.

Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

10-4LilBuddy

Have they said anything about possible siblings from you?  It must have at least crossed their minds.

As lucky as I was to have a SD9 who wanted siblings and was thrilled with the news, we've still had a lot of questions and some concerns from her - mainly along the lines of a loss of being the center of attention and would she get less love.  We have a therapist who works with her for other issues and has added this one.

We were very positive about the news in sharing it with SD.  We have also been involving her in preparing.  We haven't done a lot of preparing as of yet, but she'll help with my registry and showers.  Keeping them involved and being upfront and honest about everything goes a long way.  Don't be surprised if they feel jealous or worried, but also don't let them wallow in it.  SD tried to pull some of that, but we were very honest with her that she will always be our daughter and this is a decision we made for the benefit of our entire family.

Good luck.

bebe11

I don't have any advice to give, but just wanted to say that I hope it goes well.  They are adults, so I would hope they can act like it and be happy for you and excited to have a new sibling. 

Could you use skype to tell SD1, might seem more personal?

Good luck!

irishgirl0525

Thanks for the comments and advice ladies. DH and I just discussed SD1 and he is adamant about telling her himself, which really pisses me off, but he doesn't want to force her to be on the phone with me and that she may react badly, saying something that I may never forgive her for. I said he is protecting her and he said, no, he's protecting me.  Whatever. 

I'm so annoyed at the whole situation right now.  

Ginlyn0

I see nothing wrong with your DH making the phone call on his own to tell his DD you are pregnant especially if you two are not getting along. That actually makes the most sense.

Lavender P

irishgirl0525:

Thanks for the comments and advice ladies. DH and I just discussed SD1 and he is adamant about telling her himself, which really pisses me off, but he doesn't want to force her to be on the phone with me and that she may react badly, saying something that I may never forgive her for. I said he is protecting her and he said, no, he's protecting me.  Whatever. 

I'm so annoyed at the whole situation right now.  

Im sorry that telling what should be really happy news is so complicated. I'm sure you want to shout it from the rooftops to everyone and have them be blissful as you are. (I did at least) I'm sure you  want to tell SD with your DH, but I think he may be right to tell her alone. It seems like she will not take it so well, and honestly, at this point in your life you should just focus on you and the health of your baby. DH knows his daughter and knows how or best deal with her. This way she will have some time to process the news with just her dad around and then can decide how she feels about it in a safe manner. Even though she is technically an adult, that is still her dad and her life is changing. She may have feelings of being replaced or jealousy that someone else will get to live with her dad full time when she may have not. Whatever the reason, try to understand that your DH is just trying to help. Good luck!

irishgirl0525

Yeah, you are probably right.

hopanka

Another vote for your DH should tell her himself. You forcing yourself in may not end well. Its his DD, he knows her best, and you are not on good terms with her. I dont see a single reason why it would be a good idea for you to be there. She may even take that as you rubbing it in her face. Step back and enjoy your pregnancy.

bosoxy

I was in your shoes not too long ago.  My DS was looking forward to siblings and was dying for us to get pregnant.  I get along well with SS and SD and have been in their lives for 7 years.  BM had a baby a couple of years ago and SD and SS don't seem to care for it too much.  They don't get along with each other and the baby.  On top of that, they don't get to see DH much because they live overseas.  So I was nervous that they wouldn't be happy they were getting another half sibling.

DH had his scheduled call on Skype and told them.  I was in the room, but didn't talk unless talked to.  I was right.  They weren't happy.  They haven't mentioned it since and DH isn't going to push it on them.  They will see us next month and hopefully be happier when they see us in person. It sucks, but you can't make them be happy about it.  They don't get to live with their dad, but their step brother and half sibling do?  It's not fair to them.

dmndsr4eva

I think for something this major your H should get the kids in person and at the same time.  I would imagine if he tells her there is something important they need to talk about she would make time for him.  Seems like this is someting you all should have planned in advance.  Telling her that you are going to have a baby over the phone seems very insensitive to me.

irishgirl0525

dmndsr4eva:

I think for something this major your H should get the kids in person and at the same time.  I would imagine if he tells her there is something important they need to talk about she would make time for him.  Seems like this is someting you all should have planned in advance.  Telling her that you are going to have a baby over the phone seems very insensitive to me.

First of all, I appreciate the feedback. In response to the above posts, I just want to clarify that I was not trying to be in her face or inserting myself or rubbing it in. I just wanted the news to come from my husband with both of us there, he could give the news and she would just know that I was in the room and we were a unified front.   Like Bosoxy said she was there on the skype call but she didn't talk.   

I read all of your responses, talked to my aunt (who has had her own dealing with SD issues), and had a session with my therapist yesterday.  I have spent a lot of time thinking about this and even though I still don't like it, I agree that it is better for him to tell her on his own.  I am very anxious about the whole thing, her reaction, etc., but I can control none of it.

In response to diamonds, 

Yes, telling her in person would be ideal, but she lives a distance away, she is taking classes right now and doesn't have a lot of free time to visit, and unless she starts talking to her mother again before Mother's day, she has no plans to come here. (I am not the only one she is not speaking to right now). I was hoping she would be out her this weekend so he  could tell her in person. 

We have been trying to plan for telling her. DH has been asking her for several weeks to find out her plans for this weekend to see if she would be going to her mom's for Mother's day and be here in person.  Since she isn't wanting to have anything to do with me, she isn't coming to our house and he has decided that it would be better for her to find out over the phone because she may need to have some time to process it on her own. So this is what is happening. 

We are trying to coordinate telling his other daughter with telling SD 1 because they should find out at pretty much the same time so they can talk to each other about it if they want to.  I thought it would be tonight, but SD2 had to study for a test tonight so she didn't come over, and it's now 8:00 and I am still stuck at work so that was not going to work. I guess we can figure out a night for next week, or, if SD 1 does make it out here this weekend, then he can find some time to see them and tell them. 

 

michelleonthecoast

Try not to get so anxious about the situation as a whole.  I think you are putting WAY too much thought into this!   Considering the already strained relationships, there will probably be some negative feelings no matter how the news is told.  They might react negatively at first, but after the baby comes they might come around and change their mind.  I completely agree with everyone saying DH should be the one to tell alone considering the circumstances.

We told our kids very early, around 5-6 weeks pregnant.  My bio kids weren't happy with me having a new baby (step-kids actually took it much better).  But now they talk about all the cool things they are going to teach their new baby brother.

Continue with the therapy and I hope at some point you are able to develop a better relationship with your stepdaughters!