With Mother's Day upon us....a question for you

smiling76

Do you feel that your husband truly understands ALL you do for your little ones that have special needs (and the family in general)?  Do they feel the way about you as a mom that YOU feel about you as a mom??  (the super women that we all are)

finsup

1.  No way.  My DH is an amazing father.  Loves both his kids and has always, always been involved.  But.  I'm the one who organizes, makes appointments, takes care of billing, makes the bazillion copies of reports when we are going to a meeting, does most of the driving to and fro, I do most of the research, I initiate the conversations as to "whats next" and I do most of the worrying.   He knows I do all of these things, but I don't think he understands the magnitude of what it means or how much time it takes.  He just shows up when I tell him to.

2.  Probably not.  He thinks I'm way more awesome than I think I am.  I probably don't give myself enough credit.  :-)

bumpuser511563

Nope, not for a time.

I had to let DH have it twice with me lecturing him this past month.

I do hope DH gets it after I told him that. He was involved with two appointments about DS after that and I want him to continue.

He is taking all 4 of us out to eat for lunch for Mother's Day: MIL, DH, DS and I.

JoJoGee

I want to start out by saying that I have a really wonderful husband who is always reminding me to take time for myself, and who is a very loving and engaged father.

Question 1:  So, now that I have said that, Yes I think he understands all that I do, but I think he takes it for granted sometimes (because he doesn't offer to help).  I am the one who does most of her tube feedings, therapy exercises, trach care and general caretaking.  In addition, I am the one who calls to make appointments, fills out paperwork, goes to all the appointments (he goes when he can) and orders equipment.  On top of all of that, I do the shopping, the laundry, the cleaning (most of it), the bills, and the cooking.  He takes out the trash and mows the lawn (occasionally).  And, he will feed Lily and clean when I ask, but I have to ask - and sometimes, I just get tired of asking.

Question 2:  Who knows... most days I feel like I should/can do more - do more cleaning, do more exercises (with Lily and by myself), do more work.  My best guess would be that he thinks I do too much.  And, that might be true, but who else will do it if I don't?

Assembly_Reqd

I think he is aware of all the stuff I do, but he is not aware, or chooses to not be aware, of the toll it is taking on me personally. (re: 'can you wait until summer to go for therapy?')

We were in 'negotiations' about having another child and he basically said to have another kid I would have to go back to work because we would HAVE to get a bigger house. (not true) So basically that would triple my workload and frankly, I am bit pissed about the ultimatum.

I told him at our anniversary dinner that more children is just not in the cards for me at this time.  He said, " well, when Nate was born I basically thought he was going to die, so I am happy for every day we have with him. (they suspected Trisomy 18, I did not believe it for a second) This is sort of eye roll worthy to me. I am SO glad HE can enjoy every day we have with Nate. When do I get to?

Right now, I am really hating the special needs world. I am trapped in it for rest of my god damn life.

smiling76

Assembly_Reqd:

I think he is aware of all the stuff I do, but he is not aware, or chooses to not be aware, of the toll it is taking on me personally. (re: 'can you wait until summer to go for therapy?')

We were in 'negotiations' about having another child and he basically said to have another kid I would have to go back to work because we would HAVE to get a bigger house. (not true) So basically that would triple my workload and frankly, I am bit pissed about the ultimatum.

I told him at our anniversary dinner that more children is just not in the cards for me at this time.  He said, " well, when Nate was born I basically thought he was going to die, so I am happy for every day we have with him. (they suspected Trisomy 18, I did not believe it for a second) This is sort of eye roll worthy to me. I am SO glad HE can enjoy every day we have with Nate. When do I get to?

Right now, I am really hating the special needs world. I am trapped in it for rest of my god damn life.

((hugs)) mama---you know you always have US to back you up and give some kind words and just a shoulder to cry on. You are so strong and just such a wonderful mom (all of us on here truly are --- no matter what we may think at a given moment).

mommy0411

My husband is a wonderful father and he will do anything I ask but I always have to ask. He has no idea everything I do for DS1. I take care of all the doctors and therapy appointments plus all of his therapy "homework". I also do lots of research to find more therapy options and learn about ASD's. Plus I do all of the housework and cooking. He has gotten a little bit of an idea the last two weeks because he has had to take care of DS1 a lot while I recover from serious complications after the birth of DS2 and nurse around the clock. 

He definitely appreciates me and gives me more credit then I deserve. I love him so much but like PP said I get tired of asking sometimes. 

macchiatto

Question 1: In theory, yes. He's been a part of a fair amount of it (though not recently). He's gone to IEP meetings, he's off on Fridays and we used to have both OT and EI that day, he was at all the developmental pedi evals, etc. Also for a long time he would take care of one of our boys while I was at PT or OT downtown with the other so he was fairly involved.

Question 2: I'm really not sure how to answer that. 

MirandaHobbes

My husband and I have always split everything 50/50. He handles our finances, I handle our health insurance. So no, he doesn't really have a good idea of how the insurance piece works, but I'm pretty out of the loop on our finances. I wish that DH could come to more IEP meetings (I think he's been to 2 over the years.. and no conferences or updates) but we have radically different sick leave policies- I have months of sick leave accrued while he gets a whopping 4 days a year. I think the meetings make him a little anxious, frankly.  I feel good that he trusts my opinions.

Mothers Day actually reminds me that DH is pretty awesome around the house. He does the dishes every day by hand, and keeps the kitchen picked up. I do more of the deep cleaning and cooking. He ends up doing more of the chores with DS like potty help, dressing, and teeth brushing.

butterflygrooves

1. No, DW works a lot and doesn't deal with any of Owl's therapies, she does go with us to the neuro but only because it's an hour away and then she waits in the car.  I'm the one who has done all of the therapies, lawyer visits, social worker visits, specialist/pedi visits, EI, preschool transition/IEP stuff, I am the hub for all things Owl.

DW doesn't see how the therapies we've done have helped Owl, I work hard to implement the things we do in therapy in our home and Owl has improved so much but DW doesn't see it that way and goes against a lot of what we (the therapist and I) are doing at the time.

 

2. I have mixed feelings about how she feels about me as a mom. When we first started dating, I already had A and thought of myself as a great mom, she agreed.  Now that we have four kids, one being SN, I doubt myself often;  DW criticizes a lot and, when mad, can make mean comments about me as a mother but will turn around later and tell people that I am a wonderful mother.  I don't know how she really feels.

bumpuser511563

butterflygrooves:

1. No, DW works a lot and doesn't deal with any of Owl's therapies, she does go with us to the neuro but only because it's an hour away and then she waits in the car.  I'm the one who has done all of the therapies, lawyer visits, social worker visits, specialist/pedi visits, EI, preschool transition/IEP stuff, I am the hub for all things Owl.

DW doesn't see how the therapies we've done have helped Owl, I work hard to implement the things we do in therapy in our home and Owl has improved so much but DW doesn't see it that way and goes against a lot of what we (the therapist and I) are doing at the time.

 

2. I have mixed feelings about how she feels about me as a mom. When we first started dating, I already had A and thought of myself as a great mom, she agreed.  Now that we have four kids, one being SN, I doubt myself often;  DW criticizes a lot and, when mad, can make mean comments about me as a mother but will turn around later and tell people that I am a wonderful mother.  I don't know how she really feels.

All of this. I got after DH to get involved in all therapies to stop the complaining to me and his mom about DS not improving the speech and not being potty trained. This enough already speaks I am not a good mom.

I am a d--- good mother!

malcivar

Do you feel that your husband truly understands ALL you do for your little ones that have special needs (and the family in general)?

No not really.  He's great, but he has also delegated all of the 'administrative' work our son requires to me.  So I get to make all the appts, stay on top of teachers, IEP meetings, etc etc etc and then I just need to tell him what he's supposed to do.  The one or two times I've asked him to make a call or schedule something, it hasn't happened.  He does, however, do a lot of the hands on stuff, whether warranted or not.  He plays with Chris a lot more than I get a chance to.  The one thing I try to do is force him to go to appts with me because even though I can give him a good 'report' of the visit, I never 'ask the right questions'.  (insert eye-roll).  So he goes and if the question doesn't get answered, it's because HE forgot to ask it - after all, I can't be trusted to ask the right questions.  *smirk*

Not to give him a bad rap - he's a great dad.  He loves Chris to pieces and took me to task with how hard I took his dx.  I was focused on everything *I* had lost but he pointed out quite vocally that I should stop focusing on what I had lost and/or would never have and focus on the son I did have and that he was wonderful and sweet and he was still my 'best boy' (a nickname I had for him since he was born).   

 

Do they feel the way about you as a mom that YOU feel about you as a mom??  (the super women that we all are)

I personally think I suck as a mom, on any given day of the week.  He doesn't agree - says I'm too hard on myself and that I'm doing a great job.   

gremaud07

Absolutely a big No...

No one understands all the doctor appointments , therapies, school , IEP , learning more about his diagnosis.  My DH only knows what I tell him and acts as if he learned it firsthand. 

I don't feel like a super Mom or a great Mom but I have been told that several times. But never know how to take a compliment. I feel that as a Mom this is what I am suppose to do.