To conceive or not to conceive?

BoneOwl

Hello All,

 New here, and only out of a desperate need of advice. My DH and I are both 28, married at 19, and neither of us really wanted kids. I actually adamantly did not want kids since I was eight or nine. But once I hit 23-ish, I started entertaining the idea of having a baby. I have babies on the brain probably two or three times a week, nearly every week. Some days I think "Whew! Good thing I don't have kids, so I can still do whatever I want." other days, I want to be pregnant NOW, or I wish I had a child of my own to teach about the wonders of the world.

DH agreed that we can "rediscuss the issue" once I hit 30, which seems reasonable, and at that point we'll be financially stable enough that it isn't so..well...inconceivable that we ttc! Even now we have the idle "If we had kids we would do such and such thusly..." conversations on our way home from our respective jobs.

But honestly, I have to wonder...is this just my "biological clock" urging me to do something I wouldn't do if I didn't have the hormones driving me?" I'm a very good mom to my animals, and I never saw myself as a parent, but more and more, and with increasing regularity, the notion pops into my head.

So...thoughts? Suggestions? I know I've got a few more years to really think about it before it becomes "the issue" but I want to hear from some of you ladies who have kids, who maybe also couldn't see yourself as a mom until that clock started tickin'.

dragossoul84

To have or not have children is very personal decision one you both have to be in agreement on. I dont think anything can really prepare you for having one until you actually do. I was sure I was ready to be a mom that I knew what it entailed. Then DS had colic and I slept so rarely I really dont remember the first few months. Each age has its own challanges and rewarding moments. The other day I was really busy trying to get things back on schedule I picked up my son and poo exploded out of his diaper all down my shirt. Don't get me wrong when he turns around and blows me a kiss I melt and I love watching him discover new things but its something you have to be really honest with yourself about. 

lkharkins

When I was in my early 20's I was not sure about having kids. I've never been good with kids, I don't gush over babies, that's just not me. Then I met my husband and we got a puppy, man we loved that dog! After having the dog for a month or so I remember thinking how great it was being a "dog mom" and it just hit me how much more awesome having a baby and being a mom would be... silly, probably, but that was my "ah ha" moment.

I'm still don't gush over babies and am not great with kids in general, but I'm great with my kid, she's the light of my life and I can't imagine my life without her.

WolFox

Until I was with my husband, I was literally disgusted by the thought of having kids. Over the last couple of years I've had to work and consciously embrace the lovey dovey, warm and fuzzy feelings I now have about having kids with my husband. People change... it happens. 

 It sounds like you need to have another serious conversation with your husband. How will he react if you say "I don't want to wait to rediscuss it when I'm thirty. I'm ready to discuss it now. I really, really think I'm ready for a baby now." Then see how he reacts. Maybe him not wanting kids was tied to knowing that you didn't either. Maybe he really just doesn't want them. Either way, he needs to know where you are and how you feel so that he can truly evaluate himself and start thinking. If he needs time, you should respect that, but at least start the conversation... "Hey, I'm almost ready... sooooo start think about whether or not you want to get ready too..." 

Eastie156

Honestly, it's a two person decision. I'd try to re-discuss with your H. If he's not open to discussion or doesn't feel ready, maybe get yourself involved in a hobby to get your mind off babies. Maybe once you are focused on something else, your H will be more open to babes. GL!

vrj0522

I was a very good mom to my dog too but believe me, being a mom to my son is a completely different ballgame. Nonetheless, at least you have some experience taking care of something else other than yourself.

I think I was the opposite of you when I was young. I always wanted a big family... maybe 5 or 6 kids from the time I was very little. Always wanted to be a mom. Then my 20s rolled around and I started a career and was very satisfied with it. I got married at 31 and had my baby boy at 32. It was a big SHOCK to my system. I don't think anything could have truly prepared me for what being a mom was all about. I had younger siblings that I helped out with when I was young. My mom ran a daycare and I helped her and I was always around children, and yet, I was still not ready for everything that being a mom entailed. You have to surrender yourself if you are to be a good mom and give give give. Now it's all about the life you brought into the world. I found my time and all my energy completely devoted to my child.

With that said, I have now adjusted to being a mom. I can't imagine my life without my adorable baby boy. I also went back to my passion (running) quickly after delivery by having my DH watch our LO a few times a week while I ran, which really has helped. It wasn't easy though, we had to time feedings and naps perfectly so that I could leave and go run. I now am back to wanting more children... although adjusted from when I was a kid to more like 3-4 kids. 

What I am trying to say here is, you have to be really careful about not idolizing what being a mom is going to be all about. It's hard. It can be REALLY hard. (You will never again sleep the same way than you did before having a child. I used to be a great sleeper and nothing would keep me up. Now it's terrible even when my LO sleeps through the night. And I've heard it doesn't get better from here.) Yet it can also be very rewarding, very happy, very fulfilling. Now that I've adjusted to it, I love it--it might not sound like I do, but I actually do, I'm just trying to give you a realistic expectation of it.

If you never wanted children before, I would approach this cautiously. I agree with PP that people can change over time and you might actually be ready for a baby but be aware of what you are giving up. It might be worth it to you to give those things up if the joy of a little life is more precious to you. Yet you might also end up resenting what being a mom entails even when you love your child. I have a close friend who gave birth only a month after me and she has had the hardest time because she didn't plan her pregnancy. She still hasn't been able to adjust to motherhood.

GL in your journey. In my opinion nothing can be quite as fulfilling as being a mother but do be careful and think everything through before jumping in. That way you can ensure that your choice is what will make your little family the happiest.

 

BoneOwl

Thank you so much for all your thoughtful and honest replies. I really appreciate you all weighing in on what is a phenomenally important decision in ones life. After seven years of marriage, I'm pretty confident that we could do anything together, but you're right, he does absolutely need to be on board with me for this, and I'm not sure I want to wait two more years to start "thinking about it". He'll be getting his PHD in December hopefully, so I think I'll at least wait to discuss it with him until after he's done agonizing over his thesis.

He's never been terribly fond of kids, but on the rare occasion that I mention to him that I've been reconsidering it, all he says is "Well, I'd like to be financially stable, and have a job before we do that." So it doesn't sounds like he's entirely opposed to the idea. We'll see where this next year takes us, and go from there.