Just to get it off my chest

Kentuckyboy76

I lurk quite a bit and don?t post many of my own issues but figured I would just to get it off my chest.

 I am a pretty cuddly touchy feely guy (aka sexual). The first trimester was hard on me because you know how it goes. My wife was tired and felt about as sexy and as a nun, even though she hadn?t gained much weight. Honestly she has never been more beautiful to me than she is now.

We talked about it and she got it of course but there is only so much you can do. To add some history to this, I was married once before for 14 years, my late wife died after a ten year battle with cancer.

During most of her cancer she was on chemo and radiation and averaged a surgery every other year or so. That had an impact on her hormonally and well cancer sucks a$$ so for the last 8 years there was no physical component. She would try every 6 months or so but I could tell it just wasn?t there so I developed a pretty adverse reaction to any discomfort on my partner?s side.

How that relates is when my current wife tries, if I get the slightest hint she is tired or something hurts or pulls or she is taking one for the team, I am done. Mentally the moods dies and the equipment ?retreats?, it is a pretty immediate reaction and well ingrained in me at this point.

I talked to a therapist from time to time but man it just is unfortunate. Fresh on my mind because last night my wife tried and I could see her struggling to move and she was exhausted and had some round ligament pains. I immediately went into care giver mode and was done sexually, which of course frustrated my current wife and made her feel unattractive etc. I totally understand her reaction, this one is on me.

Reckon I am posting here instead of just screaming at the top of my lungs, as it is so frustrating.

 

 

 

LuckyDad

Man, that all sounds frustrating. It's important for you both to remember that pregnancy and "normal sexual function" just don't really go together. Some people have more sex during pregnancy than others.

For a lot of couples, taking penis-in-vagina sex off the table when it comes to intimacy can help work through these issues. Basically, act like horny teenagers who aren't willing to go "all the way" but are trying to please each other in other ways.

Also, just remember that although 9 months+ is a long time, it's not forever. You can show your wife she is beautiful to you in other ways. Clearly you are a man who is able to "endure" periods of no significant sex without it hurting your relationship. The important thing really is just to communicate and be patient with your bodies and understand there will be challenges. 

JUSTMENU4

maybe look into massage. i have the larger appetite between me & my hubby but i am so fatigue i can't even try most days. it took a while for him to get past that he is NOT affecting the baby. So I feel your pain.

have you tried more than one position? check out some literature on the subject. there are several positions you can try that can avoid her discomfort.

my hubby things the act is amplified now. it's harder even now cuz i'm so much bigger. But once we found a good position, when i can do it, its fabulous! 

 

I'm dreading the 6 week wait after the birth..

Kentuckyboy76

Thanks for the kind responses, we have tried quite a bit and my wife is and has been amazing with me. I guess it is just so programmed into me that it happens even if I know things are going "Ok".

 The issue is purely on me and leaves me feeling like I can't win as I truly love my wife and want to be the best of everything for her.

Kentuckyboy76

I am at peace with my past, it was a long time coming and at the end it was for the best.

I do agree though I am very conditioned to be a caregiver, that is hard for me to undo.

I am a lucky man in the sense I am married to an amazing woman and friend and am having a baby. I guess I am just very thankful for that and never want to loose sight of it or the gift I have in my wife. Don't think that makes me awesome, but hell all us Dads and Dads to be on here are awesome so I guess I am in good company.

I appreciate the chance to vent.

CRLSMC2011

Female lurker here...just wanted to tell you that you are NOT alone in this.  For me, sex has been crazy painful from the beginning--things are tight and dry and don't want to cooperate on my side.

However, DH also cannot get over the mental block of "OMG I'm going to hit/shoot my son in the head" as well as the whole not liking to see me uncomfortable.  That being said, he is also not creative in his technique and wants to only use the "tried and true" methods rather than different positions or activities.  However, tried and true that worked when TTC don't work when pregnant for me.  He does not have the same kind of mental baggage that you do, but we are each others one and only and he went through most of his adult life feeling like sex was a stigma and a negative thing.

He gets flustered and can't stay motivated and can't fire the gun any more.  I feel awful and like I'm a terrible wife for not being able to satisfy him.  I honestly think the last time we had good sex was in August when we conceived. 

I can't give you any advice because I'm not a guy and don't know what you're going through, but from this side, I can definitely say you are not alone in what you are going through--pregnant sex can suck. 

MoofyKitten

I feel like I might be able to add something to this. We only have sex when I feel like I'm up to it. We tried recently and I kinda struggled through it a bit but I was grateful that my husband was supportive but didn't insist we stop because of my difficulties. I got pleasure out of it in the end but thats are just more difficult now with having to maneuver around the belly.