Coming up on DS's first birthday

PhillyGal34

For some reason I just went back on FB to the days before I went to the hospital and the days following DS's birth.  Now I just want to sit here and cry.  so many of the feelings that I thought had subsided all came rushing back.  The messages saying "no, this cannot be true! please tell me you aren't having this baby!" followed by "He's here!" are a lot to handle. I almost regret looking back but I realized there were so many sweet messages of love and support that I totally missed because  my mind was obviously elsewhere at the time.  I have a feeling that the next few weeks are going to be really tough.  I keep thinking that a year ago I was so blissfully ignorant.  In fact the day before I went to the hospital I said "I feel like I have so much time to do before the baby gets here and not enough time to do it!!" little did I know.  The feelings of anger that I'll never know a naive pregnancy are coming back.  DH and I are talking about trying again in a year.  I am scared that I won't enjoy any of it. I'm also scared that DS's birthday will be clouded by the fear that surrounded his birth.  he is doing so well now.  He's crawling and babbling and starting to pull himself up and everything he needs to be doing. I'm SOOOO proud of him and cannot help but be so proud of how far he has come but on the other hand I guess part of me is still bitter that he had to come that far.  I wish I could be blissfully unaware like he is.  he doesn't know that he had to work harder than others, this is all he ever knew.  Why can't I just be happy like he is??

 

PhillyGal34

we actually will be throwing a huge party for his birthday (our families are huge we cannot avoid it) so that will be a great distraction that day... maybe focusing on that will be a good distraction too.  I worry most about the days leading up to the party. the days when I remember lying in the hospital bed not knowing what is going to happen and if he will be safe or fully understanding what is ahead of us.  hopefully it won't be as bad as I'm thinking it will be. 

pathfindermon

Unfortunately, I can totally relate. My ds's 1st bday is a month from today and the anxiety and sadness has been slowly creeping in. I've been thinking the same thing about how clueless I was last year at this time. I've also found myself talking about everything that happened. Which I normally won't do. I'm trying hard to focus on the fact that my lo is doing great now and I know that I am blessed but its still very hard. I'm also throwing a large party for his bday. I've found that is where I'm putting all my OCD and worry. It's easier to obsess about finding soap dispensers that fit with the theme of his party then it is to remember what was ahead of me last year this time. I'm hoping once his birthday actually passes that I will feel better. I hope you will too!

BLPL101

PhillyGal34:

For some reason I just went back on FB to the days before I went to the hospital and the days following DS's birth.  Now I just want to sit here and cry.  so many of the feelings that I thought had subsided all came rushing back.  The messages saying "no, this cannot be true! please tell me you aren't having this baby!" followed by "He's here!" are a lot to handle. I almost regret looking back but I realized there were so many sweet messages of love and support that I totally missed because  my mind was obviously elsewhere at the time.  I have a feeling that the next few weeks are going to be really tough.  I keep thinking that a year ago I was so blissfully ignorant.  In fact the day before I went to the hospital I said "I feel like I have so much time to do before the baby gets here and not enough time to do it!!" little did I know.  The feelings of anger that I'll never know a naive pregnancy are coming back.  DH and I are talking about trying again in a year.  I am scared that I won't enjoy any of it. I'm also scared that DS's birthday will be clouded by the fear that surrounded his birth.  he is doing so well now.  He's crawling and babbling and starting to pull himself up and everything he needs to be doing. I'm SOOOO proud of him and cannot help but be so proud of how far he has come but on the other hand I guess part of me is still bitter that he had to come that far.  I wish I could be blissfully unaware like he is.  he doesn't know that he had to work harder than others, this is all he ever knew.  Why can't I just be happy like he is??

 

DH and I want a large family. The bold is something I really struggle with. When my water broke, it was a complete surprise. I had NO idea. My SIL is due today. I am so, so happy for her, but also jealous that I didn't get to make it full term.

I am happy that your DS is doing so well!

DrRx

Adalyn turned 1 this past February, and I did go back on FB and TB to look at the post from that time.  I also looked at the pics of our journey in the NICU.  For me, it was such a mixture of emotions.  I remember the feelings of being overwhelmed at what was happening, but it also made me realize how strong my LO is, how strong DH is, and how strong I am. 

I look back and I remark to DH "How the hell did we get through that?" It's almost as if it's in disbelief that that was our life.  I don't like it when people say "Well, look how well she is doing now."  Just because I'm angry at the circumstances and what my pregnancy experience was does not mean that I don't appreciate my LO and how thankful I am for how well she is doing.  I think that it is healthy to recognize that what happened sucked and that it was really, really hard.  However, I'm not going to ruminate in it and let it control my happiness and life.  Adalyn will always know what a tough little fighter she was since she was born, and that she is the embodiment of the word "Tenacious".   

We had a small get-together for her birthday, but we're actually going to have her Un-Birthday Party this weekend.  Her original due date was May 10 and we're going to celebrate it every year.  

PhillyGal--there's nothing wrong with what you're feeling when looking back at all that's happened.  It doesn't mean that you're not happy with how he is, it just means that you have been on a journey that most people can't possibly understand or relate to.  (((hugs)))

PhillyGal34

Thank you guys! I am so thankful for this board. No one really understands like you do. I know others might get annoyed with hearing the preemie stuff or complaints. But someone here always understands! I also plan on celebrating his unbirthday :

Sabs0629

My son's 1 yr birthday is at the end of the month and I am also having some struggles.  It is so hard to remember what a difficult year it has been.  We are planning a huge birthday party.  I try to avoid talking about the struggles with anyone other than DH because they just don't get it.  We are TTC.  I am also very scared what the experience will be like this time around.  I think the worry free days of my last pregnancy are gone.  I just know that i am going to make damn sure i enjoy it.  I also feel like I will be more cautious and hopefully my Dr will be more cautious.