To go or not to go?
MommaMeg21
member
I look on the board every now and then, my husband is in the national guard. He was told this weekend his unit will not be deployed for five years at the earliest. He was also told that a unit two hours from here is being deployed later this year. They are looking for more troops from my husband's to go with. He wants to go and I do not want him too. He really will not even talk abiut it. We are expecting our first child together any day, and know it is still 8 months away, but I don't want to do the "single" parent thing again! I was so looking forward to raising this baby with him and having someone to share the firsts with. Am I wrong to feel this way and not have him go? I just keep crying over it and stressing out about it I haven't slept all weekend because of it.
*edited by Mod* Please don't post specific months of deployments.
Re: To go or not to go?
I can understand not wanting him to go, you're not wrong for feeling that way at all. I do think it's wrong to tell him he can't go though. It's hard, Dh left when dd was 8 months old he got to see some of her firsts but missed quite a few just training for the deployment. The single parenting thing sucks but it's only for a small amount of time.
That's just my thoughts. Good luck.
I completely and respectfully disagree with this statement. It's one thing to receive orders to deploy. It's entirely different to volunteer. Just as having a baby should be a unanimous decision, so is this. If one says no, the answer should be no. This impacts both of you greatly, and it should be one you both are on the same page about. If he decides to go without your approval and support, it will only create tension and resentment. I understand that many service members are eager to join the action, but quite frankly, that same tenacity and enthusiasm can be better spent on one's family.
If I was in your situation, I wouldn't support this. If my dh received orders, I'd support him. It is to be expected and what I signed on for when I married him. If he volunteered to go without my support, that is entirely different. I didn't sign on for that, and I wouldn't be okay with it.
My point is, just support him in whatever decision he makes, I know it's scary, were preparing everything now for when my husband deploys. I hope this help.
I know this is long but I think that last thing you two should be doing is fighting.
This!! Couldn't agree more!!
It sounds like until this weekend you thought there was a possibility of him deploying somewhat in the near future anyways, and you still chose to have a baby now. Yes it would be nice in terms of your family for him not to deploy for 5 years, but you know there is always the possibility for things to change. What was your plan if it was his unit that was deploying in December?
I agree with PP that said I wouldn't tell him that he can't go, but I would also be upset if my H volunteered without us talking about it and making a decision together. You said he won't talk about it, but that you keep crying and stressing over it. You two need to be able to talk about it together without you being overly emotional or him shutting down. Gather your thoughts and feelings on it before trying to approach the subject again so you can have a discussion. Also, don't think of it as him wanting to leave you and your baby. For many SM's they want to deploy because this is what they go through all the training and work for, and this is why they joined the military.
Totally agree..
Also, like someone else had said, you somewhat expected him to deploy anyway. Personally, I would much rather have him deploy when the baby is still young rather than when the baby is 5 years old and is confused why their father is gone. My son was 2 when I deployed and even though he was still young, I wish he was younger and didn't know as much.
All of this.
My DH unit got deployed a few months ago. DH wasn't able to go because he had surgery few months prior and wasn't cleared to train. He is now back running rear d, and he hates it! I understand him wanting to go because this is his job, this is what he trains for, and this is what he trained his guys to do and he wants to be there with them. Not to mention dealing with all the other husbands wives and their complains, and just dealing with everything rear d has to bring.
FF to a few weeks ago, he was telling me he wanted to go get his profile lifted so he can deploy. I am due in June. I didn't understand why he wanted to leave me, and our baby alone- miss the birth ect. I told him how I felt about it all. Clearly I wasn't very supportive. It just doesn't make sense to me to want to leave your family, and your new baby! I knew that if he went with out my support there was going to be allot of fights, and anger, and resentment on my part. I also know he would have regretted his decision. He has since stopped talking to me about it, and the unit is to return soon anyway.
My DH is active duty- he has been deployed several times before. Even missed the first milestones in DS life. I am able to handle a deployment, and being a single parent, and support my DH while he is gone, as long as he came down on orders- without raising his hand and volunteering to go, esp when I am having a baby- and have no family around for support and help with that.
I say hold your ground on how you feel. I think if you volunteer to go to war- it really needs to be a decision between the both of you. Maybe sit down, listen to what he has to say, why he wants to go, and weigh the pros and cons of it. I know some people want to go because of the money- they are in a rut and need extra income to get them out of debt.
GL
My DH will be deploying when my LO is a few months old and will be gone for 6 months. He volunteered for this deployment. BUT we had some extensive converstations about if he should go, what he would be missing and how it woudl impact me and us as a family. This was a completely JOINT decision. We each went through the pros and cons and had legitimate arguments for each. I'm not saying that this was alwasy a calm rational discussion, sometimes it did turn into a bit fo a fight, but we did make the decision together.
I do know that if he had received orders and there was no option for discussion I would support him since it wasn't his decision. Since he volunteered I know that if I was adament about him not going he would have stayed.
My recommendation is have a long talk about it. Have you points outlined in your head with reasons. Also let him take some time to absorb what you have presented him with. You can't expect him to have an answer about topics he has never thought about. You might have to have several discussions about this for both of you to rationally understand what the other is saying.
Good Luck.
I agree with this and what a PP said about the difference between getting orders and volunteering. If your H wanted to deploy and knew that he would probably volunteer to, he should've expressed that before you two decided to get pregnant. I understand being prepared for a possible deployment because he HAS to go, I don't understand volunteering to go when you have a baby on the way.
Believe me I understand everything you are going through. Yes, it is tough being without your DH especially when you have a little one. It is also challenging to temporarily be in the single parent role. I think it is also important to remember that all of our soldiers volunteered to go into the military so they knew the duties or responsibilities they had to uphold. Not saying that they all have to go out and volunteer for deployment, that is not it at all. To sign up for such a dangerous job for any reason (make a better life for your family, the need to support your country, better job or benefits, etc.) we must realize that they serve a bigger purpose. Yes, when you are family decisions should be made together, but also they don't just think about themselves because if so they wouldn't be able to a part of such a large group that rely on other soldiers, and form military families. I say all of this because we have to remember that some (maybe not all) soldiers feel that they must fight, protect, work to feel that they are worth more or have a purpose. They feel that they want to be a part of something great and have meaning to their decision in being in the military. They want to be a "hero" beyond the hero status that we give them. So when we marry these military men and women we also know the sacrifices we sign up for as well. Although we may feel different about some decisions that are made we have to keep in mind that they have a lot of pressure and stress on the job that doesn't relate to the additional stress in their personal life. So as a spouse sometimes in spite of how we feel we still must be supportive because that support, love, and prayers reminds them what they are fighting for and helps them focus on what they need to do to come home safe to us. Sure it is ok to tell your spouse how you feel but at the end of the day stand by them and support whatever decision they make. They look to us to be their backbone and to be on their side at the end of the day when no one else is. Your feelings are very valid in this situation but please remember that so are his. Sorry so long.
When you join the military you make a conscious decision to put your military duties before everything else in your life. When you marry someone who's made that decision, I think you need to recognize that it's part of who they are. Yes, you have every right to speak up and say you don't want him to go and he should listen and take that into consideration. However, he's already spoken up and told you that this part of himself comes before everything else. So I think you need to listen and take that into consideration as well.
There is no easy answer and hopefully the two of you can live with whatever you decide. DH and I have both volunteered for our deployments - going was entirely within our control. We also volunteered for overseas assignments that caused us to be apart from each other and family. But our jobs, what we do, is a huge part of who we are as people and volunteering for those opportunities was about fulfilling some very big goals we each had. I did not like him going to Afghanistan, or being in Korea without me, but I tried to support him in it because it was important to him, just like doing the same was important to me. Just some perspective from someone who's been on both sides of this issue.
Couldn't have said it better myself!! Agreed.