Havent been able to post but don't know where else to turn...

Bugg22

I was on this board for the first time last November after losing our daughter, Bella, at 17 weeks. I became pregnant again very quickly and had to steer clear for awhile due to the anxiety of losing this new baby.

April 1st we learned that our little boy that I was pregnant with had passed away also. I delivered him on April 2nd.

I seriously DO NOT understand how this can happen twice. First time was most likely Trisomy 18 and this 2nd time was most likely a congenital heart defect.

To say I am struggling is to say the least....

When I delivered our son, Obie, I did not pass the placenta. The OB tried to remove it with forceps (in hopes to avoid a D&C after delivery in which I ended up with anyways). It was painful, gory, and now I keep having flash backs of this procedure. I lost alot of blood and ended up passing out once (not due to the procedure but due to emotional state, loss of blood, and who knows what else).

So here is where I am lost...

DH wants to be intimate (as do I) and we have once but it caused flashbacks and brought alot of emotions to the surface that I do not understand. Everytime he tries to initiate I feel alot of anxiety and my whole body tenses to the point of having muscle spasms. I don't understand what is going on.... I am SICK of feeling broken and trying to get over these losses. I am TIRED of being sad and grieving these losses. I just want to be BETTER!

Does anyone have any insight, or words, or anything.... not sure what I am looking for here.... 

pottermommy

Rainbow In Siggy Warning

 

Oh honey, I am so so so sorry for both of your losses. There are not enough words in the world for me to make this better.  You don't ever really get over or get better after losing a baby.  It kind of becomes part of who you are.

You become a whole new you, with new emotions, and new triggers, and new sad thoughts and happy thoughts.  It doesn't ever go away.  There will come a point where you do feel "better" mainly because you are used to who you are now.  You know how to cope and you understand this new you better.  The fog goes away and only returns sometimes but it doesn't stay there all the time anymore.

As for the intimacy, something very tragic and traumatizing happened to you.  You may have PTSD, your physical reaction sure sounds like it.  I have it in relation to the hospital where Kam died and going into where I was working the night it happened.  I feel like I am suffocating, my body freezes and I shake and tremble and it all replays in my head.

My suggestion is to talk to your doctor, tell him what is going on, and though there isn't anything that can make it all go away, there are things to help, even if it is just venting it out on here.  Huge hugs, I am so so sorry for the loss of Bella and Obie. 

jess123456

Huge hugs to you. I am so very sorry for your losses.

The grief of losing a child can be so incredibly unbearable and the things that you have experienced are so very similar to what I have also gone through. Have you sought the help of a therapist or in person support group? Both of those have been so helpful to me as I try to sort out my new normal. Please continue to post here as often as you want. Please know that you aren't alone and we always here for you. It's such a long and often very dark road but you don't have to travel it alone.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Noethola

I am so, so very sorry for your losses of Obie and Bella.

I agree with previous posters that it would be best to seek out a professional to talk to about dealing with the after effects of your delivery. Trauma and catastrophic loss can really be a devastating mix, and it is helpful to seek someone who could assist you in working through your new normal. 

mjcharpe

pottermommy:

Oh honey, I am so so so sorry for both of your losses. There are not enough words in the world for me to make this better.  You don't ever really get over or get better after losing a baby.  It kind of becomes part of who you are.

You become a whole new you, with new emotions, and new triggers, and new sad thoughts and happy thoughts.  It doesn't ever go away.  There will come a point where you do feel "better" mainly because you are used to who you are now.  You know how to cope and you understand this new you better.  The fog goes away and only returns sometimes but it doesn't stay there all the time anymore.

As for the intimacy, something very tragic and traumatizing happened to you.  You may have PTSD, your physical reaction sure sounds like it.  I have it in relation to the hospital where Kam died and going into where I was working the night it happened.  I feel like I am suffocating, my body freezes and I shake and tremble and it all replays in my head.

My suggestion is to talk to your doctor, tell him what is going on, and though there isn't anything that can make it all go away, there are things to help, even if it is just venting it out on here.  Huge hugs, I am so so sorry for the loss of Bella and Obie. 

 

All of this.  You may even want to try therapy so you can work through your pain.  It's a safe place to get it all out.  So very sorry for your losses!  **Hugs** 

angelsnight

I don't have much advice as I am still pretty new to this grief, but I wanted to say I am so so sorry for both of your losses.  I can only imagine how scary another pregnancy is anyway, but to have to go through two later losses is horrible.

 We haven't had sex yet since our daughter was stillborn, it will be six weeks this Sunday so technically we can but I am scared also.  Before I got pregnant I dealt like vaginismus which is the involuntary spasm and tightening of vaginal muscles...it was getting better and I could finally start to enjoy sex again, but I am worried since giving birth and all of the stress and grief and fear, that it will come back.

I hope you're able to find some answers soon and some peace.  Big big hugs to you.

Bugg22

Thank you for listening and the support...

 

I have been asked to facilitate a peer support group for miscarriages and am hoping this will help me work through some issues as well as give other women an outlet in my area as there really are no other support groups for us loss moms in my town.

Thank you for the advice for therapy, I think I will be making some phone calls next week to set up an appointment. I have always been able to  kind of "counsel" myself through difficult life situations but am at a complete loss here. I need help with this and I can see how my anxiety could get worse and if I can stop it before it gets out of hand I should.

I am so thankful a board like this exists (even though I wish there wasn't a need for it). You ladies are a great sounding board and you make me and so many other loss moms I am sure feel as if they are not alone...

shandorfml2

I am so sorry sweetheart. Lots of love and hugs to you. I'd suggest just waiting to be intimate for a while until you are more comfortable. It has not been that long and you are still intensely grieving. Just take some time....

((((((huge hugs)))))

jbasore1123

pottermommy:

As for the intimacy, something very tragic and traumatizing happened to you.  You may have PTSD, your physical reaction sure sounds like it...

My suggestion is to talk to your doctor, tell him what is going on, and though there isn't anything that can make it all go away, there are things to help, even if it is just venting it out on here.  Huge hugs, I am so so sorry for the loss of Bella and Obie. 

This. I would suggest asking for a referral to a local therapist. It could be really helpful to talk to someone about what you are going through