trying to cope, feeling alone

cawettig

Hello, I am new here trying to figure out the board. I feel so upset because I should be posting in the new arrival boards, we all should be. I recently lost my Arianna at 37 weeks on 4-10-13. Her heart stopped beating when we went in for our c section. I do not know where to start expressing how I feel. I can say that I feel so alone, my bf is here for me but still I feel like I have no one who understands the pain. 

This pain is far to great for anyone to feel, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I am hoping that joining this board I wont feel so alone anymore.  

I have been seeing a therapist with my bf, I haven't been able to talk about my sweet girl yet. When I try my chest burns and I can't figure out how to talk with out crying. It is all that I seem to do.

I can't hide anywhere from pregnant people and babies. If I try to leave the house and go somewhere I can not enjoy it for long. I see babies and think that should be Arianna. I hear people talk about there pregnancy and rub their belly and it kills  me. I am aware of all the women who do not want their babies and who drugs while pregnant and don't care about the baby, I work in the emergency department as a nurse, I have to take care of them. I do not know how I am going to go back to work and care for these women. 

Arianna was a High risk pregnancy, I struggled every day with her. She was a twin and I lost her twin at 12 weeks. A couple days later after loosing the twin we went for an ultrasound and found out that Arianna had an omphalocele. 

I have rambled on and I can't go on anymore right now talking about it. I am so thankfull that I found somewhere to not feel so alone in this journey of healing.

 

I love and miss you Arianna

Date of stillbirth 4-10-13 

angelsnight

I am so sorry for the loss of Arianna, and also her twin.  This loss can be a very isolating thing to go through, so while I hate that you have to be here, I am glad you found us, this is a very supportive board.

I totally know what you mean about being angry at people who don't care about their babies.  I was and still am so incredibly angry that people that are monsters to their children get healthy babies all the time, but people who had so much love to give get them taken away.  It's so unfair.

I hope you're able to find some peace soon.  Huge hugs to you.

fluttergirlmoonchild79

***SIGGY WARNING***

 

 

 

I'm very sorry for your losses and that we all have to meet under these circumstances.  This board is a very welcoming place with women who understand. 

Grief is a very isolating thing even if you're not alone.  It took me a very, very long time to be ok with pregnant women and am just now starting to be ok with seeing babies and that's only because I'm forcing myself to be due to my circumstances.

The first few months are a complete blur.  It does get "better" with time as you learn how to incorporate grief into your daily life.  We're all here for you if you need to talk/vent/scream/cry etc. 

Wishing you peace and love

Heatherhah

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby girl Arianna and her twin! I hate to have to welcome you here but you are among friends. We are here for you when and if you need us always!!

Hugs!!

Heather

pottermommy

            

 

                 ~~Warning~~Rainbow Baby in Siggy~~Warning~~ 

 

 

You are in the right place.  This is where you get it out.  This is where it is totally rational and makes complete sense.

I am so sorry for your loss and that you have to know these feelings at all.

It is not an easy road, and it can feel lonely, sometimes your DH won't even seem to be on the same page and that is normal.

Just remember that everybit of this is normal for you to feel.  And no one has a right to say otherwise.  This is YOUR baby, YOUR loss and until they have carried and lost that specific baby then they have no say in how you act or feel.

Negligent parents make me furious too.  Especially the ones that take it all for granted, I want to knock them in the head and take their child lol.  See totally rational :P 

If you need to cry in order to talk, then cry, there is no shame in shedding tears for a lost baby. None at all.  4.5 years out and I still cry for my lost baby when I talk about her.  Those tears are how you carry your love for her.

I hope you find comfort and support here.  

                         ~~Warning~~Rainbow Baby in Siggy~~Warning~~ 

tuscanbride2007

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby girl Arianna and her twin! I hate to have to welcome anybody new, but knwo that we all get it. We are always here for you when and if you need us. Those first days and weeks are the hardest. I never thought that I would be able to be happy again. It just sucks. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate this painful path.

 

((HUGS)) 

 

Noethola

We are so sorry that the loss of Arianna and her twin is what brings you to us, but please talk, vent, cry all you need. Agree wtih PPs that we understand and will do our best to make you not feel alone. (This board does not always move quickly, but we will support you in any post you write.)

Your BF will start to greive very differently as time goes on, so be prepared for that. My DH doesnt cry anymore, but I still shed buckets. It will hit me at the darndest times, and quite honestly, it just becomes a part of you. I cried the other day because a bird had their baby, A BIRD!! Its ok to cry when you talk about her. As a pp said, its the physical expression of your love now. But when you start to cry less, dont feel guilty for not "showing your love" as much. You will ALWAYS love your sweet babies.

karebear57

I am so sorry for the loss of Arianna and her twin. {{Hugs}} We are here for you anytime at all. My advice...try not to go out too much just yet. I forced it right after and would cry right in the middle of the store when seeing newborns and pg women. I don't like to cry in front of anybody, never have. I still cry for her at times when I go to bed and it's been almost 19 months. We understand and will be here for you whenever you need to talk, vent, cry, yell...anything.

ctilley7911

I am soooo sorry i just lost my benjamin at 30 weeks, 1 week ago yesterday is when i had to deliver him. I understand about feeling alone its the worst feeling in the world. I to cant even turn on a tv with out seeing a baby or a pregnant woman. It hurts so bad i didnt know i could cry so much it feels like i cant breath it hurts to much. I am here if u need to talk.