Answering the questions

BenandSuzy

I have an 8 year old son who was adopted from Russia. He is in a new school this year, and while they were talking about maps, he told his classmates he was from Russia. So it's a popular topic in his class apparently. He is proud of it. However, in reading a card from us mom and dad this weekend for his first communion, he read something about mom and dad, them stopped nd looked at me and said " you know you aren't my real mom and dad, right? I mean you are my mom and dad, but not my real ones". We talk about it and I asked him if second in class said that to him. He said yes. But hesitated to tell me who. I told him they weren't in trouble I am just curious who is saying that.

He also is a kid with severe insecurities. He asks me everyday if I like him. We have two younger. Biological boys as well. But I want him to be proud of where he came from, but not feel he has to share every detail either.

How have you handled these questions? I don't know what to say all the time. Sometimes he will even talk about when he was in my belly and looks crushed when I remind him gently he wasn't. Though sometimes I didn't respond and let it go. He was 2.5 years when we brought him home so he wasn't an infant.

Thanks for your help. I plan on finding an adoption therapist to help is through this.

CaptainSerious

M lived with his biological mother on and off for the first several years of his life.  He also has told me I'm not his "real" mother, and doesn't understand when I say that I am.  We've discussed coming up with other names for his biological mother, but aside from her first name, I've taken to calling her his "first mother."  That seems to hit the spot with him.

What I'm trying to get at is, even though your son may never have known his biological mother/parents, he may very well have come up with this idea himself or at least understood it to be "true."

It really bothered me at first, because I didn't want him to think of our relationship as "less than" or for it to affect his self esteem, but to be honest, it's just his understanding of the fact that I wasn't the woman who gave birth and was supposed to take care of him.  He doesn't put the same value on the word "real" as I do, so I just let it go when he uses it, and I replace it with "first" when I refer to her.

I've read about adopted children who know full and well that they weren't in their mother's bellies daydreaming about this, too.  I think it's just a way for them to feel close to you.  Maybe just respond with something like, "Yeah, wouldn't that have been nice," "I wish so, too," or  "What was it like in there?" And let him tell you, so he's not hit with reality just as he's trying to imagine it away in a moment of tenderness and closeness.

Shopaholic30

I have no answers for you but him asking you if you like him everyday is heart wrenching. I pray this settles in his heart and he feels comfort.

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