Scared of Second Loss

starburst0928

Today I had an OB appointment to discuss my fertility struggles and there was a super pregnant lady sitting across from me in the waiting room.

On my way out, I saw her again, this time she was in a wheel chair crying being pushed to what I assume was either ultrasound or labor and delivery.

Immediate freak out from me. I wanted to ask so bad if they had trouble finding her baby's heartbeat, or why she was crying. I've been there, I know how it feels and everything came rushing back. I've been "off" ever since and that was a few hours ago. I just can't help but feel so horrible for everything this person will be going through if her baby did in fact pass away.

So now I'm in this horrible place where I am telling myself that I don't even want another pregnancy or child because I'm terrified something will take their life again.

What do you guys do when this comes up in your head? I have never thought this before.

shandorfml2

I know it will be a day to day process. I'm going to continue counseling when I get pregnant again because I know I'll need it! Just go day to day, and rememebering that what happened to me was "rare" and that helps a bit.

pottermommy

Rainbow baby in pics and ticker. 

 

 

It is scary.  Really scary.  Would you like my take from actually being pregnant with and having a rainbow baby? 

lolee465

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I'm heartbroken for the woman that you saw today if she just lost her baby. I pray that it isn't the case though.

I think about your question all the time. I want a baby so bad. For as long as I can remember I've wanted to be a mom...so we have to try. It doesn't mean that I'm not scared everyday, but I just pray that I'll never have to go through that pain again. It's all I can do..

Big ((hugs))

starburst0928

pottermommy:

Rainbow baby in pics and ticker.nbsp;nbsp;nbsp;It is scary.nbsp; Really scary.nbsp; Would you like my take from actually being pregnant with and having a rainbow baby?nbsp;

Yes, please!

starburst0928

lolee465:

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I'm heartbroken for the woman that you saw today if she just lost her baby. I pray that it isn't the case though.
I think about your question all the time. I want a baby so bad. For as long as I can remember I've wanted to be a mom...so we have to try. It doesn't mean that I'm not scared everyday, but I just pray that I'll never have to go through that pain again. It's all I can do..
Big hugs

I know! I just wanted to hold her hand and comfort her, but that would have been awkward... I wanted to just be there for her because I know we all do how much those first moments suck.

She was all alone too. I can't imagine being alone while running into complications. I hope hope hope I'm being stupid and there was nothing wrong!

Heatherhah

Here is my take on the whole thing. Since I have a rainbow baby.

I think that you know you are ready to TTC again when the fear of losing a baby kind of becomes not so fearful in comparison to the desire to have another baby is all you think about. I know with us time was not on my side I was pushing 39 and had issues getting pregnant with Sydney and my rainbow.  I didn't really have time in my mind to grieve so I was grieiving my whole pregnancy.

Now this is sensitive for some -- being pregnant with my rainbow was so hard  and overwhelming and I always thought she wouldn't make it too. I always thought the other ball would drop and we would be that family who lost 2 babies the same way but I pushed through the fear and went a little nuts but did it anyway. It was and is the second hardest thing I have ever had to do next to say good bye to Sydney.

I feel terrible for that woman and I would have wanted to just hug her since we all know how she feels.

I am so sorry you are struggling right now this journey is so hard without having the constant reminders of your own loss all around you!! Hugs!!

Heather 

 

 

pottermommy

Alright here was my experience with a rainbow pregnancy. 

Firstly we were on IF treatments for three years when we gave up and then somehow got pregnant on mother's day 2011 yes I know for 100% certain that he was conceived on mother's day lol.   

I was shocked and terrified b/c less than a year before we had a miscarriage that rocked my world.  I thought that something good was happening and it was just more pain.  So the beginning of the pregnancy I constantly thought I was miscarrying for one reason or another.  Once I got past that I was just terrified of something happening to make me lose him.  I had HELLP with Kamryn, she survived it but barely.  I was scared or everything, too much movement, too little movement.  A high HB a low HB,  stopping too fast at a stop sign with a seat belt on, air bags terrified me, I was terrified to ride in a car.  In short I was a mess.  All I could think about was that something could happen that was out of my control again and I would lose another baby.  I was ridiculously scared the entire time.  In the delivery room, I told the anesthesiologist "If I get to bring him home"  he looked at me like was insane. 

Every nurse and dr in that room had also delivered Kamryn and knew how scared I had been and how much Gabriel was adored and when he came out and cried so did everyone in the room, my dr even left a steril field to kiss my cheek and go back to finish up the CS afrer rescrubbing in. 

Once he made it....Now is when my extreme terror sets in.  What if something happens now?  It will be just like losing Kamryn all over again, it will be worse.  I won't make it through it twice.  Anything could happen, the world is a scary dangerous place for a rainbow baby, no where is 100% safe....

BUT you have to let them be a baby, you have to let them grow and have fun.  You can't bubble baby them.  And even with being terrified and taking meds for extreme PPA and PTSD it is so worth it.  He is everything I knew he would be.  He is not Kamryn, though he looks an awful lot like her.  But he gives me a reason.  And he makes me smile and know that I can't stay in the fog when it settles low over me.

In short, PGAL and PAL are hard, they are scary and fraught with complications and hiccups but they are worth it.  You can not let the fear control your life, if you refuse to live because of fear alone than you are never going to live.  The fear will always be there.   Kamryn would want me to live, I want to give her a mommy to be proud of.  That is why I do it.  You can never push past the grief and sadness at losing your baby but you can push past the fear to live again.  Huge hugs, just thinking about it is scary, I know.  It is worth all the fear, it is worth all the breathing checks and ER trips b/c he bumped his head on the wall or fell off his toybox.  It is worth it because this new baby, while not your angel baby, is very much a part of her.  And is still very much a part of you.