Ok, let me run something by you guys

numeria11

I'm with Fred on this one.  You go, it's close family it's not a cousin or an aunt or uncle it's his sister.  You all go and you slap some happy smiles on your faces whether it's inconvienent or not.  For wedding's especially first ones you move heaven and earth to be there for close family.  1 day off work is neither heaven nor earth.

Does it suck that you have to take a 1/2 -1 day off work?   Yes.  Does it suck that she lives an 1 1/2 away? Yes.  But you go.  Because if she died a year from now your DH would regret not being there. 

And as someone else said you don't know the whole backstory and you are the  one creating drama at this point.

Vuja_de

numeria11:

I'm with Fred on this one.  You go, it's close family it's not a cousin or an aunt or uncle it's his sister.  You all go and you slap some happy smiles on your faces whether it's inconvienent or not.  For wedding's especially first ones you move heaven and earth to be there for close family.  1 day off work is neither heaven nor earth.

Does it suck that you have to take a 1/2 -1 day off work?   Yes.  Does it suck that she lives an 1 1/2 away? Yes.  But you go.  Because if she died a year from now your DH would regret not being there. 

And as someone else said you don't know the whole backstory and you are the  one creating drama at this point.

How am I creating drama? I do know the whole backstory now, I sent her a few nice text messages and I am letting my husband decide what he wants to do. I think you are being a B for no reason but to cause drama with me for some weird reason.

Ziegeficker

When I first read this, I didn't see what the problem was.  Then I re-read it and noticed the wedding was on a Wednesday.  Yea, I'd be a little miffed.  

I know it's her wedding and all, but if you want people to attend your event (of any nature), you don't make it in the middle of the week several hours away from all the people who would be attending.

It may turn out very small and intimate, indeed.  Like, just the two of them.

numeria11

Vuja_de:

numeria11:

I'm with Fred on this one.  You go, it's close family it's not a cousin or an aunt or uncle it's his sister.  You all go and you slap some happy smiles on your faces whether it's inconvienent or not.  For wedding's especially first ones you move heaven and earth to be there for close family.  1 day off work is neither heaven nor earth.

Does it suck that you have to take a 1/2 -1 day off work?   Yes.  Does it suck that she lives an 1 1/2 away? Yes.  But you go.  Because if she died a year from now your DH would regret not being there. 

And as someone else said you don't know the whole backstory and you are the  one creating drama at this point.

How am I creating drama? I do know the whole backstory now, I sent her a few nice text messages and I am letting my husband decide what he wants to do. I think you are being a B for no reason but to cause drama with me for some weird reason.

How are you creating drama? You have made it clear through your posts on here that you don't really want to go to this wedding, and that it is a huge inconvience for you.  If you don't think you DH sees that when he is talking to you you are crazy.  Hence you creating the drama.  I'm sure your DH is upset with his sister but right now you just need to be supportive and not feed the fire.

And by the backstory I meant you don't know why they chose to work with what was best for the ILs not your family.  There could be things going on she hasn't shared with you or as another poster said money could have also played an issue in the decision.  You are assuming that it's because she's ashamed of her family hence creating drama.  I'm generally a pretty laid back person, you can ask any of the girls around here, but you are coming off b!tchy in this post whether you realize it or not.

Vuja_de

numeria11:

Vuja_de:

numeria11:

I'm with Fred on this one.  You go, it's close family it's not a cousin or an aunt or uncle it's his sister.  You all go and you slap some happy smiles on your faces whether it's inconvienent or not.  For wedding's especially first ones you move heaven and earth to be there for close family.  1 day off work is neither heaven nor earth.

Does it suck that you have to take a 1/2 -1 day off work?   Yes.  Does it suck that she lives an 1 1/2 away? Yes.  But you go.  Because if she died a year from now your DH would regret not being there. 

And as someone else said you don't know the whole backstory and you are the  one creating drama at this point.

How am I creating drama? I do know the whole backstory now, I sent her a few nice text messages and I am letting my husband decide what he wants to do. I think you are being a B for no reason but to cause drama with me for some weird reason.

How are you creating drama? You have made it clear through your posts on here that you don't really want to go to this wedding, and that it is a huge inconvience for you.  If you don't think you DH sees that when he is talking to you you are crazy.  Hence you creating the drama.  I'm sure your DH is upset with his sister but right now you just need to be supportive and not feed the fire.

And by the backstory I meant you don't know why they chose to work with what was best for the ILs not your family.  There could be things going on she hasn't shared with you or as another poster said money could have also played an issue in the decision.  You are assuming that it's because she's ashamed of her family hence creating drama.  I'm generally a pretty laid back person, you can ask any of the girls around here, but you are coming off b!tchy in this post whether you realize it or not.

I am being supportive of my husband, glad you are right here to hear my tone. Kind of harsh of you to make the assumption I am fueling a fire. Why do you think I came here to get different perspectives? I'll answer that for you, so I didn't come off as one sided to my husband, I didn't want to have this discussion with him because I didn't want to cause drama. Thanks for trying to make me look like an assshole though.

You don't seem laid back to me, you seem like you jump to conclusions and are b!tchy for no reason.

LoveActually4

Vuja_de:

she was in my wedding, she helped me pick my gown, she and I were close. I wanted to help her with her wedding, I am happy she is getting married, I am sad thatnbsp;her whole family won't be able to come because I know they would be happy to see her get married as well. I am sad to see my husband, her brother upset about all of this and her recent decisions and actions not all pertaining to the surprise wedding.nbsp;I am not a jilted selfconsumed person some of you guys are making me out to be.If he wants to go we will go, if he doesn't we wont. How many more times do I have to say that?

The "recent decisions and actions" part makes me feel like there's more going on here and some underlying tensions.

DH and I got married 6 weeks after we got engaged and we were not pregnant. I hated it when people asked me that, I found it very rude TBH. My brother was moving back to Korea and I wanted him to be there so we did it quickly. DH has 5 brothers and sisters who live all over the world and They all came and it meant the world to him.

If you want to go, take the day off without pay and go celebrate. If you don't, don't. You'll regret not going if you really want to and you'll be resentful if you take time off if you really don't want to go.

The Nap Taker

Why are you not saying what time the wedding is?

What time is the wedding?

 

MooOink

The Nap Taker:

Why are you not saying what time the wedding is? What time is the wedding?nbsp;

This.

I asked back on page 1. If its in the evening, leave work at 2, then you don't even take a full day off. I get it if its a cousin or something more removed but a siblings wedding shouldn't be a "we'll see if he feels like going." Seems super insulting that they are taking her choice of wedding day so personally. She's giving you months of advanced notice, so unless you guys were gonna cover the cost difference between a weekday and a weekend wedding, then I don't know why you think it's appropriate to feel she should have gone out if her way, and possibly out of her budget, to accommodate you specifically.

Ziegeficker

numeria11:

Vuja_de:

numeria11:

I'm with Fred on this one.  You go, it's close family it's not a cousin or an aunt or uncle it's his sister.  You all go and you slap some happy smiles on your faces whether it's inconvienent or not.  For wedding's especially first ones you move heaven and earth to be there for close family.  1 day off work is neither heaven nor earth.

Does it suck that you have to take a 1/2 -1 day off work?   Yes.  Does it suck that she lives an 1 1/2 away? Yes.  But you go.  Because if she died a year from now your DH would regret not being there. 

And as someone else said you don't know the whole backstory and you are the  one creating drama at this point.

How am I creating drama? I do know the whole backstory now, I sent her a few nice text messages and I am letting my husband decide what he wants to do. I think you are being a B for no reason but to cause drama with me for some weird reason.

How are you creating drama? You have made it clear through your posts on here that you don't really want to go to this wedding, and that it is a huge inconvience for you.  If you don't think you DH sees that when he is talking to you you are crazy.  Hence you creating the drama.  I'm sure your DH is upset with his sister but right now you just need to be supportive and not feed the fire.

And by the backstory I meant you don't know why they chose to work with what was best for the ILs not your family.  There could be things going on she hasn't shared with you or as another poster said money could have also played an issue in the decision.  You are assuming that it's because she's ashamed of her family hence creating drama.  I'm generally a pretty laid back person, you can ask any of the girls around here, but you are coming off b!tchy in this post whether you realize it or not.

I don't think OP is coming off as b!tchy or dramatic.  I have had some colossal arguments with my SIL that have really given DH headaches, and this seems pretty tame to me.  You honestly have no idea how much of the above is just a vent or how much OP has told her husband.  I don't think being generally displeased or in disagreement with something is by nature creating drama.  If OP were to put her foot down and say it's her or the SIL, that would be one thing.  But I have read this entire thread as just feeling inconvenienced at a middle of the week wedding when money and vacation time in their family is tight -- a sentiment I can completely understand.

I think OP has expressed a sense of regret that the timing of the wedding would prevent her from attending, which she would obviously like to otherwise do.

Ziegeficker

mbenit4:

I don't care all the new stuff added. I would still go. It is my DH's sister and her first marriage. It wouldn't matter to me what day she chose or why. It isn't about me. It is about her. If there was no way I could go, I would make sure my DH went to his only sibling's wedding.

LOL @ first marriage.  

I would still be a little miffed, but I agree with this sentiment.  At least make sure DH goes.

Abinormal

If it was my husband's only sibling (heck if it was any of my husband's or my siblings), I'd make it work. I know it sucks to take the time off, but you could probably get away with only taking a half day off on the day of the wedding. You can always drive home after the ceremony and go to work the next day. Yes, it's slightly inconsiderate on her part, but it's her wedding.

LuckyDad

Get a sitter, drive up for the wedding, leave before cake.

Pain in the azz? Yes. But it's her first (and only?) wedding and your husband's only sibling. Go cheap on the wedding gift if it will make you feel better about the hassle.

andrewsmom12

I realize your situation is different than mine but allow me to share my experience with missed wedding appearances. My MIL refused to come to mine and DH's wedding because she didn't approve. She later admitted she was wrong and apologized to him. There are still hard feelings. She never apologized to me and tried to make it right. To this day, I've only been around her twice and she hasn't met her new grandson of her own volition.

Missing a wedding creates major problems as it constitutes an outright rejection of a person. It's much more brutal than a slap to the face. I think you need to step back from whatever is going on and look at the big picture. Think about where your family will be in 5 years. If you want your SIL to be there, go to her wedding. 

jorkz821

fredalina:

Vuja_de:

I Heart The 80s:

So, what is the issue? The day of the week? Her wedding, her choice.

I explained the issue within the thread, guess you will have to go back and read.

Eh, I read your explanation and I still don't really see a problem. It's one day. It's not like you're 4 hours away and would pretty much have to spend the night and take 2 days off.

You can go. You would prefer not to. Fair enough, but this is a "suck it up and go" moment IMO.

Agree. I'm not really getting what the big deal is, or why OP would be mad.

jorkz821

Vuja_de:

numeria11:

Vuja_de:

numeria11:

I'm with Fred on this one.  You go, it's close family it's not a cousin or an aunt or uncle it's his sister.  You all go and you slap some happy smiles on your faces whether it's inconvienent or not.  For wedding's especially first ones you move heaven and earth to be there for close family.  1 day off work is neither heaven nor earth.

Does it suck that you have to take a 1/2 -1 day off work?   Yes.  Does it suck that she lives an 1 1/2 away? Yes.  But you go.  Because if she died a year from now your DH would regret not being there. 

And as someone else said you don't know the whole backstory and you are the  one creating drama at this point.

How am I creating drama? I do know the whole backstory now, I sent her a few nice text messages and I am letting my husband decide what he wants to do. I think you are being a B for no reason but to cause drama with me for some weird reason.

How are you creating drama? You have made it clear through your posts on here that you don't really want to go to this wedding, and that it is a huge inconvience for you.  If you don't think you DH sees that when he is talking to you you are crazy.  Hence you creating the drama.  I'm sure your DH is upset with his sister but right now you just need to be supportive and not feed the fire.

And by the backstory I meant you don't know why they chose to work with what was best for the ILs not your family.  There could be things going on she hasn't shared with you or as another poster said money could have also played an issue in the decision.  You are assuming that it's because she's ashamed of her family hence creating drama.  I'm generally a pretty laid back person, you can ask any of the girls around here, but you are coming off b!tchy in this post whether you realize it or not.

I am being supportive of my husband, glad you are right here to hear my tone. Kind of harsh of you to make the assumption I am fueling a fire. Why do you think I came here to get different perspectives? I'll answer that for you, so I didn't come off as one sided to my husband, I didn't want to have this discussion with him because I didn't want to cause drama. Thanks for trying to make me look like an assshole though.

You don't seem laid back to me, you seem like you jump to conclusions and are b!tchy for no reason.

Um numeria is not the one bring b1tchy here, sorry. Did you only post the OP to validate your level of annoyance? Because you don't really seem open to those saying they would go.

AKbadwolf

I wouldn?t leave it as my DH family/DH choice, I would strongly encourage DH to go and try my hardest to be able to go too. It isn't a matter of inconveniencing you, it is a matter of supporting family.  You don?t know the history behind the IL and why middle of the week is more convenient for them.  It could be cost, it could be someone else coming from out of town, it could be medical issues.  I think it is more inconsiderate of you to complain about the date she picked than it was of her for picking a Wednesday when you only live 1.5 hours away. 

Venus04d

Seriously. Quit being such a baby and suck it up. These are those adult moments that you might hate, but you just do it because it's the right thing to do.

/gavel

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CinemaGoddess

You should post this question on The Knot.

Also, tell us where you're posting it.

Please and thank you. 

robinsokj

Your defensiveness knows no bounds

robinsokj

Also, you guys used to be close

She didn't consult you for any of her wedding details.  

You sound hurt and slightly vindictive at this point

numeria11

CinemaGoddess:

You should post this question on The Knot.

Also, tell us where you're posting it.

Please and thank you. 

Oh CG I love you.  OP please do this! Please, please, please!  You think I'm nasty you ain't seen nothing til you put this over there.

Kitiara5512

I have to side with the OP. Everything she has said to me sounds like she wants to go and its all based on time off.

At my work, if you do not have vacation time available, you cannot request time off and have to do it as an unpaid sick day, and it gets documented as an unauthorized occurrence. You cant work a half day because of the same thing, so its the entire day or nothing. 3 of those in a 180 day rolling time period, its a write up and effects whether or not you get a pay raise. They have to give time off to those employees who have accrued time off available first because you cannot deny people using benefits they have earned. Even if management approved unpaid time off, for most people that is 10% of your biweekly paycheck. Can you afford a check missing 10%? Because I absolutely cannot. 10% is the difference in buying groceries, paying a credit card, or something along those lines. Its a lot.

Sorry, I would offer an apology and say I would love to be there, but unfortunately we cannot take the time off at this point, but would love to take you and YH out to celebrate over the weekend. I am so sorry we are going to miss out on your special day.

CinemaGoddess

OP, couple of questions:

1.  Where is her FI's family from?  Are they OOT? 

2.  Where/what does she teach?  Around here, teachers are often back at work in August getting their rooms prepared and having meetings and whatnot.  Is it possible she was only available that day because of that?  Also, since it's a short engagement, they may not have the money to spend on a large weekend wedding/reception and weekday prices are significantly cheaper. 

divinemsbee

Yeah, I don't think TK would totally kill her for this. One of the most commonly invoked lines is " An invitation is not a subpoena." I'd bet posters there would encourage her to go if it turned out to be possible, or at least that her H go, but another piece of advice that's given to brides who are having weekday or destination or other weddings where attendance may be an issue is " Clear it with your VIPs and you can't get mad if people can't make it. You made your choice." As a PP said, just leaving early or pulling a sickie may not be possible in lots of jobs where attendance is heavily counted. It might not get OP or her H fired, but it still could have really negative consequences. It seems that SIL's FI's family are the VIPs here, and that's who she cleared it with. I'd talk to her and tell her it doesn't look good for you guys coming and ask her the last day you could let her know in case things change. I really hate, as do most on TZk thd " it's my ( the bride's) day mentality. It's only just the couple's day until they start adding guests, then you have to think of them as well.

CinemaGoddess

divinemsbee:

Yeah, I don't think TK would totally kill her for this. One of the most commonly invoked lines is " An invitation is not a subpoena." I'd bet posters there would encourage her to go if it turned out to be possible, or at least that her H go, but another piece of advice that's given to brides who are having weekday or destination or other weddings where attendance may be an issue is " Clear it with your VIPs and you can't get mad if people can't make it. You made your choice." As a PP said, just leaving early or pulling a sickie may not be possible in lots of jobs where attendance is heavily counted. It might not get OP or her H fired, but it still could have really negative consequences. It seems that SIL's FI's family are the VIPs here, and that's who she cleared it with. I'd talk to her and tell her it doesn't look good for you guys coming and ask her the last day you could let her know in case things change. I really hate, as do most on TZk thd " it's my ( the bride's) day mentality. It's only just the couple's day until they start adding guests, then you have to think of them as well.

I completely disagree with this.  The wedding is for the bride and groom.  The reception is for the guests.  This is why you don't see brides and grooms consulting the guests on the various songs used during the ceremony, the colors, the flowers, etc. and so forth. 

You do take into consideration the foods you serve at the reception, whether or not it's a dry reception, whether your first dance song will or will not scandalize Aunt Clara. 

So, no.  It's not up to the bride and groom to create their wedding around the wishes of the family. 

Since the OP never came back, we probably won't know why the SIL chose to go this path.  There could be a million different reasons. 

Also, TK must've changed a lot since I was there because the OP and subsequent explanations certainly would've caused people go "What the hell?" back in the day.   

MrsGoodkat

Kitiara5512:

I have to side with the OP. Everything she has said to me sounds like she wants to go and its all based on time off.

At my work, if you do not have vacation time available, you cannot request time off and have to do it as an unpaid sick day, and it gets documented as an unauthorized occurrence. You cant work a half day because of the same thing, so its the entire day or nothing. 3 of those in a 180 day rolling time period, its a write up and effects whether or not you get a pay raise. They have to give time off to those employees who have accrued time off available first because you cannot deny people using benefits they have earned. Even if management approved unpaid time off, for most people that is 10% of your biweekly paycheck. Can you afford a check missing 10%? Because I absolutely cannot. 10% is the difference in buying groceries, paying a credit card, or something along those lines. Its a lot.

Sorry, I would offer an apology and say I would love to be there, but unfortunately we cannot take the time off at this point, but would love to take you and YH out to celebrate over the weekend. I am so sorry we are going to miss out on your special day.

This is all a very good point. If it's just a matter of losing pay...meh, it'd be hard but with this much notice you might be able to make it work by selling some stuff to make up the cash or whatever. But if taking the day off could result in disciplinary action then that would be a problem.