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VBAC scary enough without meddling Mother In Law!
in VBAC
I'm due May 13th, and had always planned on having my Mom and Sister in the room with me while I have my trail of labor. My husband is fine with them being in the room, but is not fine that I don't want his mom in the room during the labor and delivery. He says I am not thinking of her feelings, that she is being deprived of seeing the look on his face when he holds his baby for the first time.
A few issues of background before I go on... His mom was present at both her other daughter in law's labor and deliveries. So she just assumed she would be allowed at mine. (she assumes a lot too. She assumed we would keep a twin bed in the babies room so she can stay over for about a week to "help take care of the baby")
1. I know that neither of these women had VBAC, and also had traditional, fully medicated births. So pain and the possibility of needing emergency intervention were not plaguing their minds.
2. I have no idea what kind of relationship they had with the mother in law. They very well may have felt close and comfortable enough with her to want to share that experience with her. I however, barely know her. She is in her 70's and has always come off as a very judgemental, negative, and condescending person. She nags us about the name we've chosen for our son, saying it's awful. She tells us his clothes are ugly. She criticizes us for our plans spiritually for our family (it does not align with hers, and she blames me for doing this to her son - when he is the one who feels this way much more strongly than I!) The list goes on and on. I will not be able to deal emotionally with that kind of energy around me while doing my trial of labor.
Ok, so, my youngest sister had asked if she would be allowed in the room. I only really NEED my mom and my one sister there (Mom will help keep me focused, and sister has done this 5 times so she will have plenty of suggestions and be able to anticipate my needs pretty well and be a blessing to me in that room). But the idea of any number of other of my family members or friends popping in to check on me does not bother me. The hospital's policy is as long as no one gets in the way when the staff needs to come in, I can have whoever I want in there, as long as I want, it's all good.
This aggravated my husband. He said it wasn't fair that anyone in my family could just pop in there but his mom is excluded. I ended up telling my sister she couldn't come in, because I don't want there to be an argument or drama in the family. She agreed with me that was really awful, but understood.
In principle, I am really hurt and feel like as usual, he is putting his mom's feelings in front of mine. I am sorry that in 6+ years she has gone out of her way to make me feel like not a part of the family. I am sorry that we are not closer. I am sorry that I feel that she has not earned a spot in that room to witness me at my most vulnerable, to witness me giving up my dignity, possibly pooping and peeing or vomiting on myself during my labor. Shouting out "Just get an epidural" when I start moaning or when things are getting scary for me. I am not excluding her and being OK with my people just to be a ***. I am excluding her because she is counterproductive to a positive labor experience for me, and this is my last chance to have a natural delivery.
Am I wrong here? Should a 70+ year old woman be a little more emotionally mature than to guilt me into feeling I should allow her into that intimate moment, just so she can "see the look on her son's face when he holds his son for the first time" if It means stressing me out and jeopardising my labor? His "face" is going to be lit up like a billboard for days! I'll take a picture! I feel like I have made so many sacrifices (I let her have her way in almost every other aspect of my husband. He doesn't spend holidays with my family because of her is one of them) and bent over backwards so many times for him to do whatever his mom wants all these years and in this instance I'm asking for it to be MY way.
Again, I told my other sister (and anyone else who wants to pop in and say hi or see how I'm doing) that they won't be able to come in until after the baby. Because heaven forbid I hurt the lady's feelings. I don't think anyone else even WANTS to be in there, so it really isn't even an issue... but in principle I really think SHE is being immature and selfish.
A few issues of background before I go on... His mom was present at both her other daughter in law's labor and deliveries. So she just assumed she would be allowed at mine. (she assumes a lot too. She assumed we would keep a twin bed in the babies room so she can stay over for about a week to "help take care of the baby")
1. I know that neither of these women had VBAC, and also had traditional, fully medicated births. So pain and the possibility of needing emergency intervention were not plaguing their minds.
2. I have no idea what kind of relationship they had with the mother in law. They very well may have felt close and comfortable enough with her to want to share that experience with her. I however, barely know her. She is in her 70's and has always come off as a very judgemental, negative, and condescending person. She nags us about the name we've chosen for our son, saying it's awful. She tells us his clothes are ugly. She criticizes us for our plans spiritually for our family (it does not align with hers, and she blames me for doing this to her son - when he is the one who feels this way much more strongly than I!) The list goes on and on. I will not be able to deal emotionally with that kind of energy around me while doing my trial of labor.
Ok, so, my youngest sister had asked if she would be allowed in the room. I only really NEED my mom and my one sister there (Mom will help keep me focused, and sister has done this 5 times so she will have plenty of suggestions and be able to anticipate my needs pretty well and be a blessing to me in that room). But the idea of any number of other of my family members or friends popping in to check on me does not bother me. The hospital's policy is as long as no one gets in the way when the staff needs to come in, I can have whoever I want in there, as long as I want, it's all good.
This aggravated my husband. He said it wasn't fair that anyone in my family could just pop in there but his mom is excluded. I ended up telling my sister she couldn't come in, because I don't want there to be an argument or drama in the family. She agreed with me that was really awful, but understood.
In principle, I am really hurt and feel like as usual, he is putting his mom's feelings in front of mine. I am sorry that in 6+ years she has gone out of her way to make me feel like not a part of the family. I am sorry that we are not closer. I am sorry that I feel that she has not earned a spot in that room to witness me at my most vulnerable, to witness me giving up my dignity, possibly pooping and peeing or vomiting on myself during my labor. Shouting out "Just get an epidural" when I start moaning or when things are getting scary for me. I am not excluding her and being OK with my people just to be a ***. I am excluding her because she is counterproductive to a positive labor experience for me, and this is my last chance to have a natural delivery.
Am I wrong here? Should a 70+ year old woman be a little more emotionally mature than to guilt me into feeling I should allow her into that intimate moment, just so she can "see the look on her son's face when he holds his son for the first time" if It means stressing me out and jeopardising my labor? His "face" is going to be lit up like a billboard for days! I'll take a picture! I feel like I have made so many sacrifices (I let her have her way in almost every other aspect of my husband. He doesn't spend holidays with my family because of her is one of them) and bent over backwards so many times for him to do whatever his mom wants all these years and in this instance I'm asking for it to be MY way.
Again, I told my other sister (and anyone else who wants to pop in and say hi or see how I'm doing) that they won't be able to come in until after the baby. Because heaven forbid I hurt the lady's feelings. I don't think anyone else even WANTS to be in there, so it really isn't even an issue... but in principle I really think SHE is being immature and selfish.
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Re: VBAC scary enough without meddling Mother In Law!
That sounds like a lot of family to navigate during labor. May I ask what your first labor was like? I had a midwife, a birth assistant, my husband, and my mom there as support and that felt like too many people - despite the fact that only one person was by my side at any given moment in time. So, with all the people you're planning on having - I'm just wondering if your prior experience has you thinking that this will make labor easier for you. If so, great. If you're not entirely sure, would your mom and sister be ok with being on "stand by" ready to come over when you need them, but not necessarily just there in the room the entire time, witnessing every contraction?
Regarding your mother-in-law, as well as your sister, could they be your first visitors in recovery? The easiest solution is to just not tell MIL when you go into labor but it sounds like your husband isn't on board with this. You & he need to sort this out. If he's not aware of how your MIL has insulted you, he needs to know and he needs to be ready to defend you.
Inmy opinion..YOU are the person's feeling you should be concerned with!! not your MIL's!
You dont mention the reason for your first section, but if it was for "failure to progress" I would be especially concerned with your own comfort!!
I truly believe (but will never know for certain) that my VBAC failed because I was not emotionally comfortable during my labour..my husband is a very anxious guy..which i think I take on..and the nurses were trying to manipulate me into doing things their way (i didn't want an IV)..so I really think (wonder) if things may have gone differently if I had had supportive people there.
I should say that I progressed great at home by myself..as soon as I got to the hospital and had my husband there..that's when labour stalled out:(
So best wishes to you with your VBAC..hope you manage to be comfortable!!;)
ps-i googled a while back..and found a few articles about how stress (adrenalin) can counteract the labour hormone (oxytocin?) and slow things down..
I don't plan on having anyone else in the room for this labor. But, if my younger sister were to stop by, want to come in to give me a hug or see how I'm feeling, and then leave (which is what she had in mind) I had no problem with that.
That's where the drama started. Hubby thinks that my people are welcome and I am excluding his family. That's the disconnect. He thinks that if I'm ok if my sister walks into the room to see how I'm doing with the intent to stay 15 minutes then leave (possibly giving my smoker mom a chance to go have a smoke, lol) and I'm on all fours with a turtle head poking out, that I should be ok with his mom seeing that too. And, it just isn't the way I feel!
My first labor was with my first husband. My water broke in the middle of the night, and we really had Zero plan in place for any of it. I was completely comfortable with his entire family, and mine. We were high school sweethearts so they basically were like my own family anyway. We got to the hospital, and before calling anyone we wanted to wait to see what was going on with me.
Right away they felt that my daughter was breech, and because I had gushed a lot of water, they felt it best to do the C Section. So, before we could call anyone, he was putting on scrubs and joining me in the OR. Immediately after they wheeled me into the recovery room, we called everybody.
It was a lot of work to put on a happy face and accept guests right away, but that had more to do with being doped up on morphine and bloated beyond recognition from the C-Section. I should also add, that the reasons I'm concerned about my VBAC this time is because my doctor wants as little augmentation as possible to avoid a rupture. They are willing to pop my waters, and give a "little bit" of pitocin. But if I don't progress, they'll do a C-Section. And if they're going to stick me with an epidural, at that point I may as well get a C-Section. So I want to avoid the epidural.
I am willing to have anyone in that room after they clean me up and give me a few minutes with my husband and son.... but during the delivery, I can't have his mom in there. It would just bother me too much.
The suggestion you made is a good one, my mom and sister would be completely fine being on standby and who knows, I may get frustrated with them and want them to do just that. But the issue his mother has is that they are allowed in there at all, and she is not. That's what I'm trying to come to grips with. Am I just supposed to suddenly develop a closeness and fondness with this woman because she feels entitled to be there?
On that note, the weirdest thing happened. Either he talked to some buddies at work today, or thought things over, or our guys can be just as hormonal as we can - because he came home from work today and told me "She'll see him when she see's him, I'm not worried about it".
Relief!!
Good!! Maybe someone at work explained labor to him! Once he sees what labor, contractions, delivery is really like, he'll probably realize that it's obviously not about him. I can't imagine having had any family in there with me! My 1st labor (before csection happened) was 30 hrs and the vbac (successful!) was 12; they would have driven me nuts! You should have the final say because you are the one birthing the baby. A first time dad probably just doesn't fully grasp what's about to take place.
In that case, I might just be direct and honest with MIL. My DH is also unable/unwilling to stand up to his mom, so I have to do it myself. It's more awkward than it would otherwise be, but you have to draw the line at some point and I think being married sometimes means being strong when your spouse is weak; if this is his weak point, you have to step up and fill in the gap.
Your mom & sister are there as your support team, kinda like a doula who knows you better than anyone, and they'll be on stand by to help you get through labor as the most reassuring people in your life. While you respect (and love?) your MIL, her presence won't necessarily facilitate labor so you look forward to her being the first one to meet LO in the recovery room. If she presses farther, like "Why would my presence be so disruptive to your labor?" tell her in the past, her hurtful comments like XYZ have added tension to your relationship with her. While you forgive her for those and look forward to having her as an active grandmother to your child, that history is not relaxing or conducive to a productive labor. There is not enough time between now and delivery to heal that tension, but if she would like to work on improving the relationship, you look forward to doing that after the child is born. Her respecting your wishes for this birth will be a great first step.
With my MIL this would make things much worse. It's best to just say no to her. No long winded explanation and dredging up things from the past. But OP I'm glad he came to his senses!
It doesn't matter what other family members have chosen to do. Stick to your guns.
I understand how you feel. I don't have a mil like that, but I've already told my husband I don't know if she'll be in the room when I'm pushing and getting ready to have my DD. Not that she's a nag or a b*tch, but it more about me being comfortable. Your the one that needs to be comfortable. Are you just simply not allowing her to come in and visit at all or is she able to come and say "hi" and see how your doing? Honestly this is a time where i absolutely think your husband needs to have your back no matter what. if he was going through the pain and the emotion of deciding whats best for himself i'd get why his mom would be in the room , but its not him. so both him and his mom should really understand why your choosing your family over his, not that yours is better than his, but they know you better.
Also maybe the SIL's had her in the room because they didn't know how to tell her no and didn't want to deal with the wrath of a cranky old lady. Its harder to handle that with DH who wants her there and your already a push over. good luck, but remember this is your birth, not hers. do whats best for you and when that baby comes, she'll get over whatever she was upset about.
There's no disconnect, that's exactly what's happening. What I'm confused about is why you feel the need to apologize or change that fact.
Giving birth is not a spectator sport, nor is it to time to even out the score among family members, NOR is it the time to pad someone's ego as treasured grandmother.
Yes, it's his kid too, and it's a precious time for him and his family too, but the fact is that YOU are the one who will be laboring and pushing out a child. YOU need to be as comfortable as possible, and if that means MIL waits in the waiting room, so be it.
It is completely up to you who is in the delivery room. I'm glad your H came around!
Now, as far as the bed in the baby's room for a week after delivery, let's hope that's not still expected! With my last there were people in the delivery room immediately after birth- probably around 15 people. I was falling asleep mid conversation and looked like hell after 25 hours of labor and an emergency c-section. Then family stayed at my then 800 sq ft apartment for a week, which was stressful. This time, things will be different! Lol
I hope everything works out well!