Insensitive comment...

orangegoggles

Insensitive comment but this time it was me who said it

I feel awful. I know how many of us received insensitive and down right rude comments with our losses. Today I said one of my own...I was talking to this women in my bootcamp class and she was telling me about her SN daughter that she adopted. Basically she told me all the great milestones she has reached and all of the things she was advocating for her that hadn't been done before. After talking I said "wow she is sure it lucky to have you!" As soon as I said it I knew it wasn't the right thing to say. She stopped talking and said, "well it goes both ways you know". I quickly said, "yes your lucky to have her too" but I feel awful.

I hope I didn't come across as bad as it sounds I simply meant that she has done so many wonderful things for her daughter but I realize it could be taken another way....especially because she has special needs. 

She seemed ok with my follow up statement but geez...talk about feeling like a jerk.  

ct103

I said almost the exact thing to an aunt of an adopted boy a few months ago. Even worse was that I didn't realize there was anything wrong with it until she told me SHE was the lucky one. Then I felt terrible and so naive. But, we got over it quickly and she's still a good friend.

Don't beat yourself up! At least you have the common decency to WANT to do the right thing. I'm sure that woman has heard a lot worse and she sounds like she's very strong. You have nothing to worry about.

hopefulmom81

I mean, people have said things like that to me with DD who is not SN or adopted.  "She is so lucky to have you as a mom", kind of comments.  It is just a nice thing to say to a parent especially if she is telling the side of the story about her being an advocate for her daughter.  I can see why this might hit her wrong if she is sensitive to ignorant people thinking it is a charity case as opposed to a loving family, but I think it made sense for the conversation.  If she was saying, "DD was so generous today, she smiles and it makes me smile, etc" it would have been awkward for you to say that the D is lucky to have the mom, but the way you explained it, it totally makes sense.

jertie

I think I'm an insensitive clod - because I don't see anything wrong with your comment.  To me, what you said would be a compliment and I understand it in the spirit for which you've intended.  I am sorry though - that sucks and I'm glad that you posted this because I'm sure I've made the mistake in the past and this will keep me from making the mistake in the future.

orangegoggles

theresat858:

jertie:

I think I'm an insensitive clod - because I don't see anything wrong with your comment.  To me, what you said would be a compliment and I understand it in the spirit for which you've intended.  I am sorry though - that sucks and I'm glad that you posted this because I'm sure I've made the mistake in the past and this will keep me from making the mistake in the future.

This...

Well its hard to explain. The first thing that tipped me off was her face when I said it and her remark after... saying it goes both ways. Also I have a friend who has a SN child and apparently (at least to her) its one of those comments you get all the time...that she finds offensive (meaning that he/she is lucky that your their parent because others wouldn't deal with it?) I don't have a SN child so I'm not sure how many ppl actually do feel that way about the comment but I know there are a lot of AL comments that most don't find offensive but those who have had a loss do, kwim? 

In the case with my conversation with the women...I don't think she would take it that way but I still felt bad because it was said after she explained some of the kids struggles (non verbal, feeding tube, etc.) and because of her reaction. I am probably over thinking it but it still didn't feel "right".  

s0ulchicken

I think it depends a lot on where your friend is in her journey as a parent. My 9 year old DS is SN. I bust my butt as his advocate. As a result, his life experiences have been pretty "normal." I am intensely proud of his achievements. He has main streamed, is an honor roll student, and came in 2nd in his weight class at our states youth wrestling tournament this year. He has put in the effort, but I have been his advocate and cheer leader since he was diagnosed. When his teacher tells me DS is lucky to have a mom like me, I take it for what it is. He IS lucky. But then again, so am I
You didn't say anything wrong though, you gave a compliment. She just wasn't in the mindset to receive it as such. :::hugs:::

pottermommy

I don't think you said anything wrong.  People say that to parents from all walks.  I think that it is nice to hear that someone thinks you are doing a great job for your child. 

I think we all feel lucky to have our kids, but sometimes it is good to know that they are just as lucky to have us.

 

That's just me though.

orangegoggles

s0ulchicken:

I think it depends a lot on where your friend is in her journey as a parent. My 9 year old DS is SN. I bust my butt as his advocate. As a result, his life experiences have been pretty "normal." I am intensely proud of his achievements. He has main streamed, is an honor roll student, and came in 2nd in his weight class at our states youth wrestling tournament this year. He has put in the effort, but I have been his advocate and cheer leader since he was diagnosed. When his teacher tells me DS is lucky to have a mom like me, I take it for what it is. He IS lucky. But then again, so am I
You didn't say anything wrong though, you gave a compliment. She just wasn't in the mindset to receive it as such. :::hugs:::

Good points, thanks for your perspective!

orangegoggles

Thanks ladies. Like I said I'm probably over thinking it but that's how I tend to get. I know others have said some really hurtful things to me on my loss journey and wasn't sure if this was a similar situation but with different circumstances.