Is this rude?

je2161

I had a CS with DD due to fetal distress. I was talking to a family friend the other day. I wanted to see if any of you CS ladies would find some of her comments rude / insensitive.

Friend: So are you having a VBAC?

Me: Well, it's up in the air. I'm a good candidate for VBAC so if I go into labor naturally and things progress quickly, then I'll try for a VBAC. If I don't go into labor naturally or things stall too much, then it'll be another CS.

Friend: With my first child, I originally wanted a CS because I thought it would be easier. Then I researched it a bit and realized a CS is major surgery and so I decided I didn't want a CS. I went natural. And I'm so glad it worked out that I didn't have a CS. With my second child, I had GD and I was terrified of having a CS due to a big baby. I asked my OB 'Will I need a CS?' and she reassured me that I won't need a CS. Well, my second baby was not big and I had her naturally. I am soooo happy I avoided a CS- I really didn't want one!

 

When I finished talking to her, I didn't think anything of our conversation at first. Then, I started feeling like a few of her comments (the ones I've bolded) were a bit insensitive. I mean if I was in her shoes, I would never say those things to a person who had a CS and is potentially facing another one very soon.

So, what say you? Were those comments rude / insensitive? Or were they innocent personal experiences?

all1005

I wouldn't be offended.  I think its just her personal experience, to each their own.  I had a wonderful 1st (emergency) C section experience and am absolutely fine talking about my 2nd planned C section.

 

magdalina.h

I wouldn't be offended because most people want to avoid a c/s because they don't want one.

The comments that offend me, after knowing my situation, saying oh that's too bad. Ummm not really. The only thing that matters is a healthy baby in my arms that I get to keep.

hopefulmom81

I mean, I definitely think it is an awkward thing to a mom who you know had a CS.  I am snarky though, and probably would have said something like, "yeah, I didn't really want one originally either, but since it was an emergency, I look at the positives of my vag being kept in tact"

nosoup4u

I think you're reading too much into it. None of that sounds rude, just her opinion. Also, your whole post is bolded. Silly Bump formatting bolds all of OP now.

Mark&MandyLa

Personally, I wouldn't be offended... but then again, while I was still in the hospital after my c-section I had a pregnant relative visit me and say she "hoped to have a c-section because it's so easy" (paraphrased).

That, on the other hand, really, really hurt/upset/offended my husband and I... especially since we did everything we could to avoid a c-section (ECV, weeks of trying to flip our son via spinningbabies.com, etc). 

I can see how those comments could sting, though, especially since you may have to have another c-section. If you try for a VBAC, good luck! 

Disneygeek77

Nope, not really.  I mean I might laugh at her comment about wanting one and then realizing it was major surgery ( I mean really how could you not know that ), but I can see where she is coming from.  The great majority of woman don't want one and those that can avoid one are relieved. 

Mama-Bear

I wouldn't be offended.  I was terrified of a c/s through my 1st and 2nd pg (had one with my 2nd due to breech presentation of a twin).  I was terrified until I heard that first cry, so I would've had the same feelings your friend had, and you seem to be comfortable with the possibility of having a 2nd section, so I wouldn't think too much to filter, if you said that you were really dreading the possibility then I could see filtering more, but your text makes me feel that you're comfortable with it.

Jessicadbaker

When people say those kind of comments to me my smart alike response is WELL I rather me cut there then DOWN there LOL. I know not everyone has to have to be cut down there when having a vaginal birth but it makes them shut up.

Runaway22

Teacher Clark:

Perhaps it's her own weird way of acknowledging how hard a CS is.

This. She may have been a tad insensitive, but I wouldn't be offended. If she went on and on about how amazing natural/med-free birth is vs. c/s, and the effects each birth experience has on the baby physically and psychologically... That would bother me, personally.

But then again, I haven't come to terms with my emergency c/s yet - mostly because the process itself was traumatic. That's something I definitely need to work on.  

tracy41

It's hard to tell without hearing her tone but just from reading it sounds like she recognizes CS are major surgery and hard and she's glad she didn't have to have one. I wish I had not had to have mine so I don't blame anyone else for not wanting one!

rockyrollgirl

I guess it depends. I know some people are really proud of going natural and like to talk about it. I don't think they realize it is coming off as a holier-than-thou attitude especially when they are talking to someone who had a medicated birth or a c-section. I myself didn't want a c-section at all while pregnant, I didn't go on about it as your friend did however. There are some message boards where you will encounter real rudeness on this topic though.

WhitWed

I don't think it was offensive, but definitely self-validating for her. Many women feel the need to share their own experiences to rationalize their way of doing things is correct vs. another option.  I wouldn't worry about it now, but if the next time you're together she makes similar comments, I'd probably speak up. In my opinion no birth is better than another and no two experiences are the same so they can't be compared.

sn2bmamaofthree

To be honest, I can't help but agree with you. Almost every single one of my friends talk badly about cesarean. So much that I feel sick now when I think about the fact that ill never get to experience a vaginal birth. I'll be having my third cesarean in November and I cannot control that fact.

capulet

rockyrollgirl:

I guess it depends. I know some people are really proud of going natural and like to talk about it. I don't think they realize it is coming off as a holier-than-thou attitude especially when they are talking to someone who had a medicated birth or a c-section. I myself didn't want a c-section at all while pregnant, I didn't go on about it as your friend did however. There are some message boards where you will encounter real rudeness on this topic though.

Yeah, I think it's a matter of whether her general attitude toward c/s is obnoxious or not.

I am the only one of my close friends who's had c-sections.  After my first they seemed to be more impressed by my fortitude than I was.  My labor with my first sucked so badly that having a c/s was really a relief, and my c/s recoveries have both been fine, so to me they're really no big deal and I had no desire to VBAC #2.  From my perspective, people who haven't had c-sections sometimes make them into a bigger deal than they are.  I don't support elective primary c-sections, but sometimes they're necessary and I really don't care that my birth experience was different from people with vaginal births.  I really don't care much about birth experiences, period.  But I know moms who do.  Which is fine.  So most of the time when they say they're happy with their vaginal or unmedicated births I figure that's good for them, and if that implies that they feel badly for me for my c-sections, I get that, but I don't feel badly for myself.  So that was kind of rambling.  I guess I might be a little bothered by such comments but wouldn't dwell on them.

eav2c

Honestly, even with an easy recovery, who really wants a csection? Rude, no. Annoying, yes. Don't think twice about it.

salt78

I don't find it offensive that she is happy to have avoided a CS, but I do think she sounds borderline sanctimonious about going natural.