Please Help! Having Husband Issues...

CiniMini21

Hi Guys! I never thought I'd be looking to men for advice on this, but maybe there's something to it. 

My Husband is the most unsupportive guy around. Honestly I've never seen anyone worse. It's like my presence alone annoys him. He hasn't helped much with anything my entire pregnancy. Here we are a month away from having our first baby and I feel totally disconnected from him. He has no sympathy for my pregnant state whatsoever. He expects me to still be able to do all the things I was able to do pre-pregnancy. I promise I am not a nagger, I desperately try not to ask him for favors just so I won't upset him, but every once in awhile I need some help. I'll ask him to lift something heavy, or bring something upstairs for me. He grunts in disgust and is so bothered that I dare ask him to do something.

Can you tell me where this is coming from? I feel like he resents me, and maybe he does... for marrying me and now for having a baby. I feel like he's not ready to grow up and just wants to live the single life, but that's clearly not an option. I really wish he'd step it up. I want more than anything to have that sweet, supportive Husband who's always doting on his Wife. Instead, here I am feeling like divorce is in the near future and that's something I desperately don't want to put my son through. What can I do to turn this around? Please help! Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

-Desperate Mommy-To-Be 

futant462

Another vote for counseling.  Us random guys on a message board are not going to be able to give you some magical solution that will fix your relationship problems.  You and your husband need to sit down with an impartial third party to work through this.  

rmtafoya

sorry, lurking MTB here. definitely go for counseling. there are several levels of concern that come up here in my mind. 

I'm concerned with how he's treating you, because even without pregnancy you should be in a relationship where you are valued and feel safe. Also lots of red flags for his ability to be a good papa when the time comes.

There are plenty of rumors about how a man becomes a father when he sees his baby, but where will that leave YOU? Time to address the problem head on and nip it in the butt.

My pregnancy was unexpected in a very young relationship so i had doubted my partners ability to support me emotionally, or care about the pregnancy in general at first but he has risen to the challenge and exceeded all of my expectations not only has a partner but as the soon to be father of my child.

Dont get me wrong, there were moment in the beginning where i had to whip him back into shape but you have to grab the reigns girl. When all else fails, show him you arent scared to live without him. Sometimes its the fear of losing something important that snaps them out of it.

 best of luck! 

LuckyDad

Ok, well, the husband who *always* dotes on his wife is more of a myth. That said, it's douchey of him to not be willing to lift something heavy for his pregnant wife. That's just basic safety.

Was this pregnancy planned? Whoopsie? Did he want it? 

rmtafoya

totally agree about the myth. dads/men in general are still human - we all ** up and we all handle big life changes in different ways. but maybe you need to trade him in for a better model or try the counseling - maybe you are missing a huge detail in his experience here that may help you two understand eachother and be better connected.

i am constantly having to check in with my boyfriend, making sure to ask him how he's feeling (worries, frustrations, etc) - its rare for pregnant women, or women in general to do that but it makes him feel safe and valued. its hard to consider other peoples emotions while pregnant, but try to do your best to put yourself in his shoes for a minute. men are much less likely to just come to you with their feelings, especially during a time they feel like they need to be the "strong one" which in their minds can mean emotionally cut-off and then their emotions manifest in some seriously strange ways.

 any safe environment where you can get the conversation started is a huge plus 

Shopaholic30

CiniMini21:

Hi Guys! I never thought I'd be looking to men for advice on this, but maybe there's something to it. 

My Husband is the most unsupportive guy around. Honestly I've never seen anyone worse. It's like my presence alone annoys him. He hasn't helped much with anything my entire pregnancy. Here we are a month away from having our first baby and I feel totally disconnected from him. He has no sympathy for my pregnant state whatsoever. He expects me to still be able to do all the things I was able to do pre-pregnancy. I promise I am not a nagger, I desperately try not to ask him for favors just so I won't upset him, but every once in awhile I need some help. I'll ask him to lift something heavy, or bring something upstairs for me. He grunts in disgust and is so bothered that I dare ask him to do something.

Can you tell me where this is coming from? I feel like he resents me, and maybe he does... for marrying me and now for having a baby. I feel like he's not ready to grow up and just wants to live the single life, but that's clearly not an option. I really wish he'd step it up. I want more than anything to have that sweet, supportive Husband who's always doting on his Wife. Instead, here I am feeling like divorce is in the near future and that's something I desperately don't want to put my son through. What can I do to turn this around? Please help! Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

-Desperate Mommy-To-Be 

 

 

My heart ached for you when I read that you DESPERATELY try not to ask for favors so he won't be upset at you. If anyone needs to be lifted up emotionally its you. You need to be calm and have little stress during pregnancy. The fact that you are scared to ask for help is so so so sad. A pregnant wife/girlfriend shouldnt have to think twice about asking her partner for some help to keep her and baby safe (ie lifting heavy things, etc)

Either there is a deeper issue or this guy is a douche whack job that needs to be put in his place. Good Luck

theta

I had to respond as I just posted on here recently about my emotionally unsupportive husband.  I am having my third in a few weeks.  My husband was on the fence about having a third when I got pregnant.  He has definitely been distant throughout this pregnancy.  I was at my breaking point when I posted on this board. 

Right after I posted, I completely opened up to him about everything!  This was the best thing I have ever done.  I honestly don't think that he even knew how much his behavior/comments were upsetting me until I told him.  I expressed that I needed him now more than ever.  I honestly wasn't expecting a huge change, but I wanted to get it off my chest.  He apologized and has since been really helpful with everything, including our 2 children.

Have you said anything to him?  I think that should be your first step. 

Coltsdad

If you can't simply ask the man for a favor, for fear of upsetting him, he's a douche.

Counseling.  Make the appointment.  If he says no, then you need to put yourself and your child in a better situation.

Ask yourself this... do you want your son to see your husband's behavior and believe that not only is it an acceptable behavior towards women, but the way you are SUPPOSED to behave as a man?

You have to realize that you are asking men who created an account and chose to talk to other men about being a dad/husband on an online forum... we are very engaged men when it comes to our children and wives (I would assume), so we can't really relate first hand to someone who treats every request as a massive burden.

coryquebedeaux

I agree with counseling to an extent.  If you feel it's worth it, try it.  On the outside looking (reading) in, he just seems like a guy who will never be engaged in his marriage or with his kids.  That's sad but you can't expect him to be or become someone he's not.  Like someone else said, it's hard for you to ask guys on a message board/website created for women.  Most of us are not normal guys haha.  We are expecting our first and I can't stop smiling/tearing up every time I think about it.