XP: Help with husband — The Bump
Dads & Dads-to-be

XP: Help with husband

Hi Dads and Dads-to-be, I have a question that you may be able to help me with...

DH and I get along pretty well. Up until our son was born I think I could count the number of arguments we've had on one hand because nothing's been big enough for us to argue about. Last night I could tell something was up and DH admitted he feels like we aren't close anymore. Sure we joke around a lot still, but he feels like we aren't close. I'll admit, doing the deed does not sound appealing to me at all. Even kissing doesn't sound fun; I have absolutely no sex drive. In addition, while DH is incredibly helpful with the little man (since bringing him home from the NICU DH gets up with him regularly in the middle of the night and helps take care of LO a lot more than other dads I've seen), I feel like I'm still the one pulling the most slack and it's getting old. Between pumping, cleaning bottles, keeping the house in a state of something akin to order, by 10, I am so exhausted that I just want to sleep, not hang out, since I have to be up at 5:15 the next morning to pump and get ready for work. I'm at a loss... I want him to feel we are still close, but I don't know what to do. I feel like right now my highest priority is to take care of our little boy, but I don't want my marriage to suffer because of it. Any tips?

Daisypath - (2EEx)

Lilypie - (CszI)



Re: XP: Help with husband

  • Whoa, it's like looking through a looking glass and seeing my past, almost.

    During those first few months my wife felt overworked and exhausted and I felt neglected. We weren't really connecting other than our mutual love for our son. It got better.

    Try to at least tell your husband you appreciate the things he does for you, even if they are things he is "supposed" to be doing. At 2 months you're not really expected to have much of a sex drive, but if you can force yourself to help him out in that regard in any way, just once can go a long way... a man lost in the desert appreciates just a single sip of water after all. 

    -My son was born in April 2012. He pretty much rules.
  • First, the lack of sleep on both of your parts is probably not helping things much.  We are 2 months in with our 2nd and both my wife and I are still not getting the sleep we are accustomed to.

    I don't know how old your son is, but sex may not even be something that is supposed to be on the table yet.  If it is, you are likely so wiped out that it isn't even on your mind, you said it wasn't appealing.  Sometimes it takes "taking one for the team", other times, you simply need to let him know that between being a full time mommy, domestic goddess/engineer, employee, and food source, you are aware that you are also a wife, but the exhaustion is intense.  Maybe one or two nights you cut back on the house cleaning and allow yourself some time to just cuddle with your husband with your child in bed (hopefully asleep) and just get to reconnect physically piece by piece.  Could also ask him to pick up a task or two, like washing bottles, around the house, so it isn't on your plate.  If he equates doing bottles to getting his wife closer to him, he probably won't fight as hard as if you just tell him he needs to do it.

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