Need some motivation

I feel like I've been stuck in this rut the last 2 months and I just don't know what to do anymore. We spent 4 months practically matched and then had to walk away because of the legal risk with EF. I think about EM and baby girl every day and can't help wonder if we made the right decision, even though DH and I both knew at the time that it was the right choice. I had such a good relationship with EM and I miss her- ending things was entirely because of EF and not what the 3 of us wanted. Because baby's due date isn't here yet (mother's day, of course) and because FSIL is due a few weeks after that (first grandbaby to extremely immature BIL and his new GF-now-fiancee, in case you havent' seen any of my earlier posts) I feel like I can't move on. I still feel so wrapped up in everything and feel like we're never going to meet our baby. I'm always sad about it but I don't want people to feel bad for me so I try to put on a smile and basically tense up every muscle in my body just to get through some days. Easter was awful. I felt like I was on the verge of tears all day for no reason really. FSIL is pregnant and family members are going to comment on her cute bump and talk to the baby through her shirt no matter what. I don't know why it affects me so much, but it really does. And I'm hosting her shower, which doesn't make things any easier. I'm trying to stay busy planning her shower and with other things but I feel like the second I have a moment to breathe and relax I just fall apart again. It's like I'm holding everything in and it's one extreme to the other. And I try to put on a happy face and talk about other things with family because I don't want people to feel bad for me, but I know it's hard on DH that I've been unhappy all the time. I just want to move past this but I really feel like I just can't get a handle on it. And now our homestudy has to be renewed in June so we have to put more time and money into that and I really feel like I just don't have the energy for it.


I've also been getting a lot of the obnoxious questions lately- the "why don't you want one of your own" and "why don't you just do IVF". Granted, we have unexplained infertility and may get pregnant in the future through treatments. But there was a reason we chose adoption over more fertility treatments right now; neither journey would have been easy and we had talked about adoption before even TTC. At the end of the day, as hard as everything has been, we still want to do this. People just make me feel like I'm putting myself through all of this unnecessary pain by not doing more treatments (although I'm sure if we were doing IVF we would get the "why don't you just adopt?"). I know (some) people are trying to be helpful and want to "fix" things for us, but I'm just so sick of answering the same questions and trying to defend our decision. Sorry for the rambling post, I guess I just need some motivation and someone to tell me that this will get better and be worth it one day.


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Re: Need some motivation

  • I am so sorry that you are struggling right now. T&P your way

    Mother of two wonderful boys! Blessed through adoption.

  • IRRIRR member

    More (((((HUGS))))).  I did take the extra step of doing IVF while in the process of the Homestudy and guess what it didn't work, so tell people to mind their own business on what path you and your DH are choosing to start your family.  People think they are being helpful, but they are not, they do care but they are not sure how to support you at this time.  I am not sure if you spoke to your SW after your failed match, but if you haven't perhaps you should.  I didn't think I needed professional counseling (still don't) but she did have some sources if I wanted to take that route to talk to someone.  It took me 3 full months to get over our failed adoption and I hate to say this but I am glad you never met the baby, because I am telling you that is so much worse than just knowing the EM.  Right now, we think we are expecting a phone call next week with our "new match".  I say think because things are really weird with this EM and my agency doesn't know what to make of it.  They know we only want to fly down if and when the EM signs the TPR.  The EM hasn't spoken to me in over 3 weeks, although she has sent a couple of text messages.  I am not sure if she just wants to get this pregnancy over with or what is going on with her.  She is not receiving that much for expenses so I don't think it is like the last time when the EM tried to get everything she could from us over a 6 month period.  Next week we should know for sure one way or the other.  We haven't told anyone about this but my mom so we don't have to get the "I'm so upset for you" from everyone else.  I think that was the worst.  OK sorry that was my own rant, now back to you.

    If you haven't spoken to any professionals, you should reach out.  The other thing that helped me was getting busy.  I started pottery classes in February and I LOVE them and I have been making some really cool stuff.  I do think this will get better for you and yes one day your really match will come, so keep the faith.  I am not there yet, but I also hate being sad so I have decided not to be.  My friend is here with her daughter from France this week and let me tell you, what a difference having a child in the house, not sure I want that quite yet (or at least a 9 year old).  The dishes alone are unbelievable and I thought boys ate a lot, but she must be growing because she has been eating twice as much as me at every meal.  When you become an aunt, don't be sad, enjoy the opportunity to get to know your niece or nephew and just know that one day soon you will be providing him/her with a cousin. I already have 3 nieces and 3 nephews so I know how much fun they can be, even though we don't have our own children yet.  Enjoy the spring and find stuff that will cheer you up whether it is a walk in the park or a bike ride.  Hang in there.  We are here for you. 


    Failed Matches - December 2012, May 2013, December 2013
    Moved on to  gestational surrogacy with a family friend who is our angel and due 7/23/15

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  • It will get better. it might always sting, but it will get better.

    Are you seeing a therapist? It might be a good idea, to have a safe place to vent and be sad without feeling like you're holding it in or feeling guilty about your DH.

    Are you close enough with any family to talk to them about this?

    I feel ya on defending your decisions, but if you need to be blunt, be blunt. There's no guarantee of a child with IVF. You can pursue it later, because you feel you're being called to adopt. There are times I've simply told people I don't need someone to "fix" it, I need someone to just listen.


  • imageDr.Loretta:

    I feel ya on defending your decisions, but if you need to be blunt, be blunt.

    I'm so sorry that on top of your struggles, you are having to answer all those same questions over and over again.

    I know we talk about this sometimes, and to us, these responses may seem stale and even disingenuous or rude, but they really do save you from having to talk about it and remind people that this is a private matter.  You may want to try:

    "Any child I adopt will be my own baby."

    "Any child I adopt will be my own baby, and no, I don't feel I have to be biologically related to my child."

    "This is what we feel is right for our family."

    "I'm sorry, but our reasons are personal to us.  Just be assured that we have give this a lot of thought and are very confident in our decision." 

    Smile and "Why do you ask?"

  • I'm sorry you're having a rough time. In not sure why people feel so compelled to offer advice about fertility and family planning. And uncertainty is such a hard thing to deal with. I hope things get better soon.
    ***************************** Our beautiful daughter was born in October 2009. Turns out she was quite the miracle. After two years of TTC, diagnosed with DOR. A couple of failed treatment cycles later, we decided to let go of our hope for more biological children and explore adoption.
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  • We had a really similar situation of having unexplained fertility, and after a couple of failed IUIs decided to switch focus to adoption. We were tired of the treatments, and adoption was something we had always been drawn to. But I don't know if we ever explained it to family and friendswe just announced we were starting the adoption process and that was that.

    We did not have any matches before we matched with our son, but we did wait 18 months, and I was completely depressed when the time came to renew our homestudy last summer. We felt like it was never going to happen. Honestly, I found that it was impossible to stop worrying and wondering. But I can say that after meeting our son, the waiting time now seems inconsequential. I hope that happens for you too.
  • (((Hugs))) Jackie. I am so sorry for what you have been through these past few months. I understand how you feel stuck....I have been there. 

    My bil had his 1st child shortly after my 3rd m /c and it was hard, especially because MIL sent out an email to everyone about how they were so happy to finally be grandparents. They just had #2 and it stings a little less.

    I can tell you that we started with IVF (and kept going for too long) during that time only family knew but everyone kept asking us why we don't "just adopt". The opposite of what you are going through. The reason I tell you this is because it shows you that no matter the situation, people will never mind their own business. Do what is right for you guys and don't let them put a damper on this for you.

    Waiting is hard and you have all the other stuff to deal with but just know that your baby is out there and none of this will matter when  he or she is in your arms. I pray that it won't be much longer :)

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  • Thanks for the encouragement, it's helpful just knowing we're not alone in feeling like this or getting these questions because we don't know anyone IRL who's been through this. And {{HUGS}} for you too IRR and Ginger- I think about you guys often and am praying for some good news soon!

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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