I feel like I've been stuck in this rut the last 2 months and I just don't know what to do anymore. We spent 4 months practically matched and then had to walk away because of the legal risk with EF. I think about EM and baby girl every day and can't help wonder if we made the right decision, even though DH and I both knew at the time that it was the right choice. I had such a good relationship with EM and I miss her- ending things was entirely because of EF and not what the 3 of us wanted. Because baby's due date isn't here yet (mother's day, of course) and because FSIL is due a few weeks after that (first grandbaby to extremely immature BIL and his new GF-now-fiancee, in case you havent' seen any of my earlier posts) I feel like I can't move on. I still feel so wrapped up in everything and feel like we're never going to meet our baby. I'm always sad about it but I don't want people to feel bad for me so I try to put on a smile and basically tense up every muscle in my body just to get through some days. Easter was awful. I felt like I was on the verge of tears all day for no reason really. FSIL is pregnant and family members are going to comment on her cute bump and talk to the baby through her shirt no matter what. I don't know why it affects me so much, but it really does. And I'm hosting her shower, which doesn't make things any easier. I'm trying to stay busy planning her shower and with other things but I feel like the second I have a moment to breathe and relax I just fall apart again. It's like I'm holding everything in and it's one extreme to the other. And I try to put on a happy face and talk about other things with family because I don't want people to feel bad for me, but I know it's hard on DH that I've been unhappy all the time. I just want to move past this but I really feel like I just can't get a handle on it. And now our homestudy has to be renewed in June so we have to put more time and money into that and I really feel like I just don't have the energy for it.
I've also been getting a lot of the obnoxious questions lately- the "why don't you want one of your own" and "why don't you just do IVF". Granted, we have unexplained infertility and may get pregnant in the future through treatments. But there was a reason we chose adoption over more fertility treatments right now; neither journey would have been easy and we had talked about adoption before even TTC. At the end of the day, as hard as everything has been, we still want to do this. People just make me feel like I'm putting myself through all of this unnecessary pain by not doing more treatments (although I'm sure if we were doing IVF we would get the "why don't you just adopt?"). I know (some) people are trying to be helpful and want to "fix" things for us, but I'm just so sick of answering the same questions and trying to defend our decision. Sorry for the rambling post, I guess I just need some motivation and someone to tell me that this will get better and be worth it one day.