Pg and loss mentioned, need advice

awesnap

For mobile: Pg and loss mentioned, need advice.

 A few months ago I posted about my SIL announcing her pregnancy at 6 weeks. I was one week behind her. I did not announce my pregnancy to anyone, having a hard time accepting the fact that it would work out. I also was worried that my pregnancy would not work out and hers would, having the pain to see my nephew/niece as a visual reminder of my loss. A lot of anxiety that stems from my first miscarriage.  

Well my in laws found out their pregnancy is not viable at their first trimester screening, and I had an ultrasound with a beautiful, squirmy gummy bear the next day. I have so many emotions going right now, but my biggest question is how do I help her? What can I do? I have already told her that I would help in any way she needed, but she won't ask, and then gets mad if you do nothing. It is so much more complicated because I am currently PG with what seems to be a fairly healthy baby. Do I leave her alone? I really really want to do something.. Drop off food, send her a gift, please help with ideas? D&C is on Monday.  

Junebug060609

Are you showing? Does she know about your current pregnancy? I guess even if she doesn't know, with time it will become apparent that the EDDs were so close.

My gut feeling is to say to do something, for sure, but from afar. Give her the option of having space if she needs it.

awesnap

Sorry I should have mentioned she has known for a while that I am pregnant, but I obviously did not tell her about the ultrasound.

ETA:I look fatter, not really pregnant at this point, but I don't think it will be long before I pop.  

Junebug060609

I stick with my gut feeling then. I'm so sorry for her loss.

Fwiw, I have a neice that will be delivered just days after my edd for my November loss. It's an uncommon situation, their baby is being carried via a gestational surrogate, but if they lived near me I'd have not done well being around them.

holly321

The day before I found out my baby had died, my brother and SIL found out they were having a boy.  We were about 2 weeks apart.  It was rough....  But I wouldn't allow my SIL to act weird around me.  It is nice seeing how big my Harrison would be.  It really upset me when other people acted like SIL wasn't pregnant around me.....  Also, my 2 cousins were expecting really close too.

In my situation, I wanted my SIL to reach out to me, I didn't want her to side step all mention of her baby, it was awkward if she did.  

If I were in your shoes, I would reach out to her condolingly, but wait for her to mention things with your baby, let her take the lead.   If nothing is said for a while, I would come right out and ask her how she wants the situation to be handled. 

awesnap

Thank you, I would want space if the roles were reversed too. Which is so hard because we live in the same town, and see each other at least once a week. And I also want to give as much support as I can, but understand she probably won't want to see me. I am looking online for ideas of things to send her. Maybe pick up a gift card to a restaurant she likes. Any ideas for my brother in law? 

tetiananina

I was in the same situation but flip flopped. My cousin and I were both pregnant at the same time. We were two days apart. After our 8 week appointment I had a natural m/c the baby was healthy. My cousin was very understanding on how I completely backed off and wasn't really there through her pregnancy til the very end. I felt bad but I couldn't do it, it was a constant reminder that I should be right there with her. She always included me in event but was understanding if I wasn't there. I think giving her the option and know that if she doesn't seem to happy for you or is distant know that she probably hurting and has a reminder of what she could have been going through as well. I ended up being at the hospital with my cousin when she gave birth because it is a blessing it just took me awhile to come around.

butterflynola

I'm sure that will be such a hard reminder as you know you were imaging it being the case for you. I would send her a card for her d&c, maybe flowers, maybe a gift card to somewhere she likes like a restaurant or nail salon or something. Even when I did get pregnant again I really struggled with going places where I knew I'd bump into people who were due are the same time as my loss. It was just such a painful reminder and there was no way I could force myself to go to anybody's baby shower until I was into my 3rd tri, it was just too much. Just some things to think about if she does these things to you try to remember that they're not personal.