Our energy and how it's spent....

StrikeGirl

My preferred connection to the universe is Reiki but it the point of this post is universal no matter what you believe.

 

I saw my Reiki therapist yesterday and was expressing to her how I was battling myself a lot these past couple months (3rd tri) about having DH around. I never want nor wanted to be the nagging pregnant wife that told him he couldn't go do something because I was tired from taking care of the 21 month old, etc. It was looking like he was gone a lot on the weekends; bike rides, meetings, and there I was again left alone without any help. I'm fine during the week because I get he's at work. But lately, any super late nights or weekend commitments where he's gone more was becoming overwhelming though i was trying to reason with myself and remain rational.

 

The coolest  thing she told me that helped a lot and it made me feel strongly enough to reach out to you girls in case there was someone else out there feeling the same way. You're angry, feel isolated, worry about trying to stay rational and reasonable, but at the same time feel like someone you get left alone too much and you never get a chance to turn "off".

 She said, "you're living in a very sacrificial space right now. Your energy is entering you but then is getting absorbed by the baby inside you, your toddler, and your husband who needs support. (job issues) right now. None of the energy you gather is getting to you. You're trying to be too logical but you can't be right now. Don't feel bad for asking your husband to stay home and skip that bike ride. On a cellular level you need that reboot, just him being in your space helps you relax."

 I think the biggest piece of that was her saying you're being too logical right now. She gave me an outlet to let my emotional needs to come first. "I just need you to BE here." Love it and it helped so much.

 Anyway, take what you wish. Cheers to this tough yet wonderful and amazing time in our lives!  

PrimRoseMama

I commend your spiritual thinking here but your husband needs to parent too. He can't just take off and leave you to do it all the time. That is unfair, unreasonable and frankly a little bit douchey. He helped create the family so he should help raise it.

You need "me time" too and you aren't getting it. It's time for your H to man up and step up. You can't be everything to everyone without stretching yourself thin emotionally, physically and spiritually.

RedCherry1109

PrimRoseMama:

I commend your spiritual thinking here but your husband needs to parent too. He can't just take off and leave you to do it all the time. That is unfair, unreasonable and frankly a little bit douchey. He helped create the family so he should help raise it. You need "me time" too and you aren't getting it. It's time for your H to man up and step up. You can't be everything to everyone without stretching yourself thin emotionally, physically and spiritually.

This!

StrikeGirl

I should have prefaced with he's very involved and is an AMAZING father. He does ask what I need and says he can not go for a bike ride. There's always more backstory to a situation but I was just trying to get a general point across that it's ok to ask for more help if you need it. Finding balance in every single situation is difficult sometimes.

PrimRoseMama

StrikeGirl:

There's always more backstory to a situation but I was just trying to get a general point across that it's ok to ask for more help if you need it. Finding balance in every single situation is difficult sometimes.

Naturally yes, but the way your post read is that your husband is spending a lot of time away from his family to do things that are purely recreational (not just work) and leaving you to manage by yourself on the regular. This may not be what you meant or what actually happens, but that is how it came across to me.

I stand by my original evaluation in that if you had cause to talk to your spiritual advisor about the way your husband was treating you then perhaps there is merit to the fact that perhaps your husband needs to be more involved. Again, that is from the outside looking in and based on your OP alone. Backpedal all you want, but that is what that OP communicated to me. edit: specifically this:

StrikeGirl:

It was looking like he was gone a lot on the weekends; bike rides, meetings, and there I was again left alone without any help. I'm fine during the week because I get he's at work. But lately, any super late nights or weekend commitments where he's gone more was becoming overwhelming

Jasmineeelizabeth

PrimRoseMama:

I commend your spiritual thinking here but your husband needs to parent too. He can't just take off and leave you to do it all the time. That is unfair, unreasonable and frankly a little bit douchey. He helped create the family so he should help raise it. You need "me time" too and you aren't getting it. It's time for your H to man up and step up. You can't be everything to everyone without stretching yourself thin emotionally, physically and spiritually.

I agree with this.

I would have a huge problem with what you described. You are both the parents, it shouldn't be assumed that you will just stay home and take care of your kids while he does what he pleases. 

BeckyTheEngineer

My husband has some hobbies that he can only really do on the weekends, but nothing that he won't stop doing.  I might start to resent that, except that any time I want to do something myself or as a family he is totally on board.  If you feel like you want him to watch your child at any given time, why don't you ask?  If you feel like he should never work a little later or ride his bike or attend meetings, then I think that sounds a bit selfish.  Hire a sitter if you need to, but these sound like reasonable things.

StrikeGirl

Who needs to backpedal? I understand how it came across but also was trying to not make the post a novel! Sheesh...well, I should have elaborated. I was trying connect with the board on a very intimate subject that has since been resolved and now turned sour on a forum. We're all doing our best to reach out.

KateLouise

I get what you're saying. That now is not a time to be logical, and that it's ok to ask for what you need.

I think it's ok to ask for what you need anytime. Yes there will be times, within a marriage, when one partner "wins" because they are going through a time of exceptional stress, but there should be ongoing negotiation and freedom to discuss your needs so that everyone is cared for. Not only is it fair, but it's also logical to keep the family unit working at its best.

I don't get into reiki, but I think it's great that you have someone who you can discuss things with and who you feel gives you positive guidance.

Lastly, I would encourage you not to view this exchange as having gone "sour." You shared an experience, and women who read it made an observation. You consider their observation as incorrect, which maybe it was. One poster re-iterated how your initial post read, which you still consider to be wrong.

You don't need to feel badly about any of that, or get defensive. You can just read what other people have to say, consider if it's relevant to you and then move on.

I think you made an important point about asking for what you need from your partner. (I personally don't think that should be isolated to pregnancy.) Yes you shared something intimate, and other people bothered to say, "hey it sounds like your husband isn't really stepping up." You got to think about that and decide that you're completely happy with how things are with your husband...sounds like a win for everyone to me.

StrikeGirl

Gotcha. I see what you're saying. Thanks!

KateLouise:

I get what you're saying. That now is not a time to be logical, and that it's ok to ask for what you need.

I think it's ok to ask for what you need anytime. Yes there will be times, within a marriage, when one partner "wins" because they are going through a time of exceptional stress, but there should be ongoing negotiation and freedom to discuss your needs so that everyone is cared for. Not only is it fair, but it's also logical to keep the family unit working at its best.

I don't get into reiki, but I think it's great that you have someone who you can discuss things with and who you feel gives you positive guidance.

Lastly, I would encourage you not to view this exchange as having gone "sour." You shared an experience, and women who read it made an observation. You consider their observation as incorrect, which maybe it was. One poster re-iterated how your initial post read, which you still consider to be wrong.

You don't need to feel badly about any of that, or get defensive. You can just read what other people have to say, consider if it's relevant to you and then move on.

I think you made an important point about asking for what you need from your partner. (I personally don't think that should be isolated to pregnancy.) Yes you shared something intimate, and other people bothered to say, "hey it sounds like your husband isn't really stepping up." You got to think about that and decide that you're completely happy with how things are with your husband...sounds like a win for everyone to me.

PrimRoseMama

KateLouise:

I would encourage you not to view this exchange as having gone "sour." You shared an experience, and women who read it made an observation. You consider their observation as incorrect, which maybe it was. One poster re-iterated how your initial post read, which you still consider to be wrong.

You don't need to feel badly about any of that, or get defensive. You can just read what other people have to say, consider if it's relevant to you and then move on.

Exactly! I'm glad you've got it resolved since you originally posted.