Concerned DH will Love New LO more than SD

shelfrgg25

I am married to a wonderful man, and have been for nearly 3 years now.  He has always been hard on our 5 y/o daughter. (his step daughter)  But since I found out we were expecting it seems to have gotten worse.  Last night  I finally approached the topic and he did not deny it.  He did say that he would try not to, but that is just how he was raised. 

I don't want my lil girl to have to go through that rejection from him...What is a mom to do? How can I help my husband?

Amanda88

I'd take him to a parenting class that mimics what your style is like. I'd also suggest counseling. He shouldn't be rejecting your DD. Many parents in my area hold expectations that just aren't attainable for their children's age/development. They just don't know what is age appropriate for their children. My SS just turned 5, and he has been hard to handle for the past 2 years. Your DH's frustration will eventually spill over into every relationship if he doesn't get it under control. Saying it is how he was raised is an excuse for his poor behavior. He is an adult, and as an adult should be able to make the right decision. My DH uses this excuse for him and my MIL all the time. It is a BS cop out. If he needs some help he can attend parenting classes to help with solutions or talk with a counselor. 

shelfrgg25

Thank you, I agree with you 100% It just hurts my heart.  He def. has unattainable expectations for her.  She is five y/o head strong and very opinionated I try to redirect him when I see him going too far, but it always ends up in a heated argument once she is in bed. 

Littlejen22

When you say hard on her what do you mean?

sld5711

Ok I am going to say this bluntly and I am sure I will get flamed for it but DH will love LO more thats just a fact of life.  I love my SD I really do (I love being a part of her life and seeing her grow and learn everyday) but the love I have for my LO is a different and isnt comparable IMO.  But he should NEVER treat them any differently!!!! Not to make excuses for him but maybe he is expecting more out of your DD because she is now going to be a big sister and she will be gaining more independance now that there will be a baby in the house.  This is all just assumptions because I dont really know what you mean by saying that its how he was raised is why he is acting this way.  I think that you both need to make sure you are on the same page with your parenting styles for both children and not have different standards for each of them. 

shelfrgg25

He holds her to an extremely high standard, to the point where it is unreasonable at times.  He also does not understand the phrase pick your battles...because every conversation they have becomes a battle.  He also has a really bad habit of talking down to her.  I always call him out on this issue b/c I can't stand for anybody to talk down to anyone no matter the age or situation.  I guess just overall he is really strict with her on some things that really just don't matter. 

shelfrgg25

I hope that nobody jumps all over you.  I agree with your statement.  This child will be HIS, and that is a big difference, but I like how you added that they should be treated the same.  We are definatly struggling with our parenting styles.  I was raised in a home where communication was the center of everything.  He was raised in an isolated home, where netiher parent was really involved. 

So I commend him for trying to be involved, but one thing he had drilled into him was the thought that children should be seen and not heard.  I hate this!!! 

Nineoceans

shelfrgg25:

He holds her to an extremely high standard, to the point where it is unreasonable at times.nbsp; He also does not understand the phrase pick your battles...because every conversation they have becomes a battle.nbsp; He also has a really bad habit of talking down to her.nbsp; I always call him out on this issue b/c I can't stand for anybody to talk down to anyone no matter the age or situation.nbsp; I guess just overall he is really strict with her on some things that really just don't matter.nbsp;

This really hurts my heart. How could you choose to be with someone who treats your child poorly? This is heartbreaking for your daughter

Lavender P

shelfrgg25:

Thank you, I agree with you 100 It just hurts my heart.nbsp; He def. has unattainable expectations for her.nbsp; She is five y/o head strong and very opinionated I try to redirect him when I see him going too far, but it always ends up in a heated argument once she is in bed.nbsp;

Can you give an example of an interaction between the two? It is hard to get a full picture just based on the staent that he has unattainable expectations. People have a very natural tendency to overlook or minimize what may be perceived by others as their children's fault. What you see as opinionated and head strong, he might think is bossy and inappropriate. I'm not saying he is right at all. I just think it would be helpful to know what happens and how he reprimands her.

2chatter

If it was how he was raised, and that is his reason, to me that means he is fine with his behavior.  I think he will have the same parenting style with your baby.  I think the wider question is...."DH is not the kind of parent I would like to SD, will he also not be the parent I would like him to be to our baby?".  I agree that bio love is different than steps.  Even so, if this is how "DH is" I don't know that your daughter will see any difference, and think you might have a different issue here.

Littlejen22

shelfrgg25:

I hope that nobody jumps all over you.nbsp; I agree with your statement.nbsp; This child will be HIS, and that is a big difference, but I like how you added that they should be treated the same.nbsp; We are definatly struggling with our parenting styles.nbsp; I was raised in a home where communication was the center of everything.nbsp; He was raised in an isolated home, where netiher parent was really involved.nbsp; So I commend him for trying to be involved, but one thing he had drilled into him was the thought that children should be seen and not heard.nbsp; I hate this!!!nbsp;

Is this new since you are PG or did you overlook it? I guess it depends in the degree and if you are exaggerating but it sounds like he is wonderful in other ways but not as a parent. I would really push for him to take a parenting class like above suggested or this will break your DD or end your marriage.

sweetdreamz6700

Lavender P:

shelfrgg25:

Thank you, I agree with you 100 It just hurts my heart.nbsp; He def. has unattainable expectations for her.nbsp; She is five y/o head strong and very opinionated I try to redirect him when I see him going too far, but it always ends up in a heated argument once she is in bed.nbsp;

Can you give an example of an interaction between the two? It is hard to get a full picture just based on the staent that he has unattainable expectations. People have a very natural tendency to overlook or minimize what may be perceived by others as their children's fault. What you see as opinionated and head strong, he might think is bossy and inappropriate. I'm not saying he is right at all. I just think it would be helpful to know what happens and how he reprimands her.

I agree with Lavender.....examples are helpful. Especially considering the bolded part. That is FI and I's biggest struggle in our blended family

Amanda88

You may also consider looking up a book or info on child development. This way DH knows what is normal and can be expected of most 5 year olds. 

zsynez

This whole post makes me sad. The phrase "been hard on our 5 y/o" should never be said, she's 5. Parenting arguments should have taken place before you got married.  I gave my now husband a book with some ideas on how I wanted to raise MY daughter and if he didnt like it we would stop dating.

It's been 3 years, Im sorry but without some sort of intervention, or serious reason to change, he will not

Littlejen22

MelRC117:

zsynez:

This whole post makes me sad. The phrase "been hard on our 5 y/o" should never be said, she's 5. Parenting arguments should have taken place before you got married.  I gave my now husband a book with some ideas on how I wanted to raise MY daughter and if he didnt like it we would stop dating.

It's been 3 years, Im sorry but without some sort of intervention, or serious reason to change, he will not

thats what I'm thinking...if you two didn't have similar styles before for your DD, it won't change over time suddenly. He will probably expect the same thing out of the child(ren) you have together. You can't compare treatment and expectations for a newborn and 5 year old and you might think he's just hard on her because she isn't his child but if that's his view (children should be seen not heard) then that's how he will view your child too as he or she grows up. 

Honestly this depends on why he is this way and whether he is hard because he really thinks all kids should been seen and not heard or if he just gets frustrated because he simply does not love her like she is his own and will have more patients for his own child.

Phantomgirl

Why is everyone concerned with 'why' he does what he does?

What about the impact his actions have on this little girls life daily?

Talking down to her is emotional abuse. The only way is be redirecting him is out the effing door.

You are a sorry excuse for a mother if you allow this to continue. He does not need to change YOU DO! He can be a ahole all he likes but he should not be around your DD.

If he wants to be in her life he needs to get help. YOU should hold him to that standard.

Shame on you!

If this is your example of a wonderful man than you need counselling.

LauraBostick

I see posts on here stating the there is and will be a difference, no questions asked, but I must argue this... my husband treats our daughter as his own, at all times, but he has also had her since she was barely 2, and she lives with us full time... I feel that it CAN be improved by parenting classes, and also I feel that he needs to take the initiative to have 1 on 1 parenting time with her ie ice cream outings or other fun activities to build the bond between the two of them....