FFFC?
fellesferie
member
Anyone feel like complaining this week?
Here's mine-
I've posted a few times about DS's (he's 8, in 2nd grade) struggle with school this year. I still don't have a clear idea of what's going on, but the last few weeks he has done GREAT. I have been emailing XH to update him. Not so much because I think he cares, but I'm trying to give him notice that if DS needs therapy/tutoring/interventions I am hitting him up for half the cost. I haven't mentioned it specifically because I have no idea where this is heading; I just want him to have a notion it might be coming.
I feel like I am being that kind of BM with this. Like I'm standing here with my hand out. But I am the one with my butt in the chair next to him EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. I think that to XH it is a luxury to have a son and not have to do any parenting.
XH has not responded to any of my updates. He has not expressed any opinions. I don't know how he could possibly even have an educated opinion about what DS needs, as he has never even attempted to work on school stuff with the child.
I send appropriate, on grade level books with DS every single time he sees XH, and every time he comes home DS gloats that no one made him read. I'm 90ish% sure XH thinks DS cannot read.
On a related note, it drives me NUTS when NCPs post here that a child is failing in school and they can not/will not/have not intervened.
Re: FFFC?
BM called for the 2nd time in 2 months and SS hit decline both times. I txt her this time that he didn't want to talk and she asked if he is ok. I told her yes I'm sure he is just mad/hurt by her and she said ok let me know when he is ready to talk. I told SS that and he said never. I didn't tell her that. I know SS is feeing pain but I'm sooooo happy he didn't want to talk. Usually when she calls it's like she never missed a day and I think it's really unfair she gets his love and doesn't have to be a mom and here I am doing everything and all I get is attitude.
Sorry really needed a FFFC vent.
I feel like this is directed at me, and I wanted to clarify. We are as involved as we can be with SD not living with us. All I wanted was for BM to pick up SD's school assignments so that we could help her with them over the weekend (and isn't that offer in itself being involved?). She said she would, then she didn't. If she had said she couldn't, DH could've tried to pick them up himself. I posted because I was annoyed that she couldn't take the time out of her busy non-working schedule to do something for SD that would have taken 20 minutes. And also because she clearly hasn't bothered since, and we are just finding out about it.
We keep in contact with her teachers and her guidance counselor. We go to her choir concerts (the only thing she is involved with) and we help her with her homework when she is with us. We check her grades online and stay on top of it (unlike BM - who lives with her and sees her everyday). Is there something else you suggest we do? (and that is not a sarcastic question, BTW. I am honestly open to suggestions)
I will probably get flamed for this, but that's okay. I have no qualms with being involved and helping out as much as we can. DH is her father as much as BM is her mother. But there is only so much we can physically do when we only see her every other weekend and holiday breaks. If BM wants to have primary physical custody there are responsiblities that go along with it. If she can't handle that we would be happy to take primary physical custody. We have consulted a lawyer in the past about filing for custody, but BM is not an "unfit" mother, so it really would be very expensive and very unlikely we would win. And I don't think she is unfit. I think she is lazy sometimes. Big difference. That is why I was venting.
DH has pretty much dropped the ball on getting access to SD's grades at the new school district that they have been at since end of November. He's supposedly gone to the schools 3 times to try to get it done and each time has had to fill out the paperwork again. I finally went to the website and found an online registration form and completed it using our joint email account. It needed the kids' student ID numbers so he texted BM and I entered them. Within 2 weeks, the boys' school had approved our request and we've had access for about 2 months now. It shows the request for SD still pending. I've asked him to call, he swears he didn't have time at work or forgets. The problem is that BM never checks the kids grades and could care less about school (she never graduated). SD has been failing multiple times due to zeros in which DH has had to call BM and tell her about the zeros. Then SD gets the assignments done and her grade gets fixed. We are going on 2+ grading periods without having any clue on how SD is doing with the school switch because BM doesn't give us a copy of the report cards because she knows we can get online access. So frustrating! I feel like I'm the only one that cares if the kids pass now. I'm sorry but I don't want to reward bad grades and we ground from electronics for bad grades at my house.
I have a super petty one that I will only allow myself to think for a minute and I am letting it go.
FFFC - BM#2 keeps wearing SDs Northface we bought SD for Christmas. Again I am only going to let it bug me for a minute and let it go. It make me look twice at the track meet.
We are as involved as we can be with SD not living with us. All I wanted was for BM to pick up SD's school assignments so that we could help her with them over the weekend (and isn't that offer in itself being involved?). She said she would, then she didn't. If she had said she couldn't, DH could've tried to pick them up himself. I posted because I was annoyed that she couldn't take the time out of her busy non-working schedule to do something for SD that would have taken 20 minutes. And also because she clearly hasn't bothered since, and we are just finding out about it.
We keep in contact with her teachers and her guidance counselor. We go to her choir concerts (the only thing she is involved with) and we help her with her homework when she is with us. We check her grades online and stay on top of it (unlike BM - who lives with her and sees her everyday). Is there something else you suggest we do? (and that is not a sarcastic question, BTW. I am honestly open to suggestions)
I will probably get flamed for this, but that's okay. I have no qualms with being involved and helping out as much as we can. DH is her father as much as BM is her mother. But there is only so much we can physically do when we only see her every other weekend and holiday breaks. If BM wants to have primary physical custody there are responsiblities that go along with it. If she can't handle that we would be happy to take primary physical custody. We have consulted a lawyer in the past about filing for custody, but BM is not an "unfit" mother, so it really would be very expensive and very unlikely we would win. And I don't think she is unfit. I think she is lazy sometimes. Big difference. That is why I was venting.
We must have the same BM! We have the exact same problem. When DH has tried to talk to her about it her response was 'his grades aren't that bad.' I know people have different standards, but since when are getting D's not that bad? On a good note, DH has been calling SS after school daily to review homework assignments and tests and it's been really helpful to SS. DH talked to his teacher and his grades greatly improved just in the last two weeks.
My FFFC: After being in SS's life for so many years it still surprises me that such a sweet boy came from such a bitter woman. I know logically that she has to be a different person at home then she shows us, but it amazes me that someone can function harboring so much hate and resentment for another person. She has tried to have DH thrown in jail twice with false accusations and I still don't hate her. However, after seeing how broken up SS was this weekend, crying and saying he just wished BM didn't hate his dad is slowly but surely changing that sentiment. I really think that anyone who puts their own insecurities and unhappiness on a child, doesn't deserve to be a mom to such a great kid.
It wasn't specifically directed at you. It sounds like you are doing what you can and trying to find more ways to help.
But there are frequently posts about how the kid is failing and BM does this and doesn't do that and we can't do anything about it. With ANY aspect of parenting the I'm-Only-the-NCP-and-My-Hands-Are-Tied attitude really bothers me. I can't think of any regulars this applies to but there are one-off posts all the time, and the poster makes it sound like they want the kid to come to them EOW already fully trained so they can just enjoy their time. The idea of having to do any actual parenting seems offensive.
I'm THISCLOSE to being "that BM"...I'm tired of giving BD the benefit of the doubt just to keep the peace. I'm tired of him telling me that he may have a problem getting DS because he has no gas money, but then a couple days later he has the gas money to not only drive to our halfway meeting point, but all the way up to me AND FARTHER for his GF's family. I'm tired of having to be nice and polite at exchanges and keep my mouth shut when I really just want to b!tch at him about how much of an a$$ he is and how he doesn't do jack sh!t for his son. But I don't because not only is DS there and I don't want him to see that, but the GF's 4 kids are there and I don't think they need to witness that either, and it won't do much good either. I try to be as positive as I can, just let things roll off ym back when I know there's nothing I can do to change it. But its getting harder and I honestly don't think I can be the bigger person much longer.
Also one small one: If they send DS home in 2 sizes too big South Pole crap instead of the clothes I sent him in one more time I think I might "accidently" throw it away....Yeah I'm gonna get flamed for that one for sure.
I'm beyond tired of living in a tiny town where everyone knows everyone and their business. SS's birthday has come and gone, and according to people I don't even know DH and I are awful people. Apparently BM has been saying and posting on FB that DH is an awful person because he won't let BM see SS, and that she has never missed SS's B-Day before (she has). Then some how I got brought into the conversation and called a b, then blamed for everything. Apparently it is ALL my fault she can't see SS and DH is an a**. Her friends actually buy into this crap, and then go and talk about it around town. If she didn't know what to do to come get SS then she would have been down here every odd weekend for the past year trying to pick SS up.... BUT SHE HASN'T!
Oh that feels good to type out. All better now.
Flame Free Right?
I SOOO want to delete the punk a$$ picture BM uploaded of SS. I have access and am so tempted, but I won't. But I REALLLLLY want to.
Dear Co-Irker - When you ask me a question, wanting an answer. SHUT UP until I give you a full answer. Do not interupt me. Do not start asking me a new question.
That is why i stopped talking to you.
Quit complaining about my wonderful client who is decisive and is going to place a nice order. I like them. They make good and quick decisions. They aren't whiny. They are fun and nice and honest. They know what they want.
I had an easy go of it until I had to bring you into the mix and now the whole process is being bogged down because you want to sit and whine & complain about them. I LIKE THEM! You don't want to be on this project? That's fine. I'll find someone who does. OR I will go against company protocol and do it my own damn self.
J
PS. Please give me about ten minutes to settle in and eat my lunch before you come at me with questions. Or better yet...ask me if it's a good time.
I have another Open Letter FFFC that's work related.
Dear Designers and Design Manager:
I just talked the owner into tearing down walls so that we had more room to re-design the sales and design department. Why? Because you all are complaining about how the private offices are too limiting, we're all too cut off from one another, we can't collaborate together.... and when I managed to sway the owner like you wanted, and you were given the open floorplan, you cut the space up again, put tall cubicle walls and doors on our workstations.
What was the flippin' point???
I'll keep my private office thank you.I don't want a private office really, but I don't need to collaborate with designers that can't think outside their box built in the 1980's. I'll do my own designing thank you!
I agree with this, which is why I try to help DH (and sometimes, admitedly, he needs to be reminded) parent to the best of his ability. Our hands are certainly not tied, but we can't be there to take care of stuff every day - that is supposed to be BM's job. Being an NCP does not absolve him from any parenting, but it does limit what he can and cannot do. I feel that as the CP, BM needs to shoulder the responsibility for every day things like homework. That is part of the job description. Do we help as much as we can? Yes, but she needs to step up herself and take an interest. We can only do so much. As PP stated, we ground from electronics as well. But it doesn't really make a difference when it's only for 3 days and then she goes back home and things go back to normal. It's not helping.
Anyways, you can tell I am fired up about the whole issue. Thank you for clarifying, felles. I have seen those posts too.
Dear DH,
As much as there are times when I think you need to speak up and stand up as SS's parent, sometimes I wish you would just keep your mouth shut when things are working well for us! So what BM wanted to take her BF to the lake instead of SS? She said she had something else planned for SS on her time! Now that you basically told her she was choosing her BF over SS, she has changed the dates she wants to get him for the summer...again...so that she can take him to the lake...the weekend before the Monday that WE leave for the beach = no downtime for SS. Why? Why not just let it be?