Age Appropriate Consequences

beautiflaw

Sorry this is so long! I'm a little bit emotional right now! 

DD is 19 months old, and she is already a very headstrong young lady. (Just like mommy and daddy apparently...) this week she had her very last day at daycare and she is still adjusting to being at home. Right now instead of time out or other discipline we have been doing what they were doing at daycare so that we'd all be on the same page. We have just been doing redirecting and trying let her feel in control by giving her choices when we can.

But right now that's not working sometimes, and I am not sure what is age appropriate as far as teaching her that she has to listen to us. She does a lot of selective listening, and she gets very sassy. When I ask if she's listening she just grins and says, "No." And so I (gently) touch her chin and say, "Look at Mommy" and then repeat whatever she sometimes she listens and sometimes not. But even if she hears me she doesn't do what I told her to do more often than not. So I don't know what an appropriate consequence to that would be. I know if I'm telling her not to throw something and she keeps throwing it, then I can take it away and tell her she can't have it until she can play nicely, or whatever. But with other things she does it isn't that simple. 

For instance for the last few weeks at naps and bedtime, she does not want to be rocked to sleep anymore. She has a toddler bed so right after she drinks her milk and listens to stories, she climbs up in bed and lays down. But then she thinks its playtime all over again. She wants to jump on the bed, kick the bed, talk, sing, dance, and generally get hyper again. We've tried reading more books, drinking more milk, etc etc etc but the only thing that calms her back down is rocking to sleep. I think she doesn't want to be rocked to sleep because she wants to be independent, but also she knows rocking means sleep. Even if she lays there talking to herself and being still, she doesn't want me to touch her (like rub her back) in any way whatsoever, because to her it means falling asleep. (We do No Cry Sleep Solution and up until now its worked 100% perfectly without any problems. Once she's asleep, she's asleep for the night and I know she's tired. Its just that she is fighting it soooo hard!)

So in order to compromise, I tell her that if she can lay still and quiet (and not jump on the bed, etc), then I won't pick her up. But when she starts getting riled up again I say, "Do you need Mommy to hold you and help you sleep?" and she goes, "No Mommy hold you!" and then lays flat for a few seconds and then starts again. So after a while I pick her up and rock her, while she screams, bites, hits, kicks, pulls my hair, etc etc etc. By the time I leave her room I look like came out of a boxing ring. (During the day when she hits I tell her I can't play with her if she's hitting and when she's ready to be gentle I can come back and play again, and that works, but before nap or bed this logic does not work with her. Plus she knows if she does it I might put her down. The last time I put her down because she was hitting she started laughing and grinning immediately because she'd gotten what she'd wanted...)

When she finally gives up and realizes she has to go to sleep, she lays there in my arms looking like she hates me. Avoiding my gaze, not speaking to me, just being annoyed with me. I feel so bad for upsetting her. So I just kiss her and kiss her and tell her I love her over and over again and she falls asleep like that, and in the morning its always like it never happened. So I guess she doesn't stay mad. But it kills me when she gives me the silent treatment. I know I need to get used to it because if not her teenage years are going to be the end of me... but... ugh. I want bedtime to be a happy and relaxing time for her and I don't want to plant a seed of negativity in her mind about sleeping.

I just don't know what else to do. If I told her to sit in time out or something she'd never do it. She doesn't sit still long enough to eat a meal of something she actually enjoys, so I don't think she'd sit still for two minutes as a consequence of breaking rules.  I don't want to expect something of her that she is too little to understand.

tokenhoser

We went through a phase about then where every nap required DS to be "cuddle wrestled" down. (He went to bed fine at night, and you can bet at daycare naps were fine, so this was just with DH and me.) One of us would just hold him in his bed until he fell asleep, tight enough he couldn't move. It sounds bad... but honestly, it's all I knew how to do. And it generally worked in 10 minutes or less.

At this age, it's just not a big premeditated out-to-get-you defiance. It's just a toddler learning about what her limits are and what her influence is. I would not try to reason with or give orders to a 19 month old. Say what you want once, keep it short after that (just "it's night-night"). And then you can either lay her back down as many times as it takes, or hold her/rock her in a way that prevents her from hurting herself or you.

tokenhoser

One thing I have noticed with DS during the day is that just walking away is way more effective than getting into an argument with someone that can't even talk yet. If I want him to get dressed, and he won't get dressed, I'll just leave him in his room and walk away. And somehow, 30 seconds later he shows up with clothes and lets me dress him. If I try to MAKE it happen, he just fights and fights and fights.

beautiflaw

fredalina:

Yeah. I know what you mean. I think you have to find the balance that works for you at bedtime when they start fighting it. With my daughter, if I stayed there it would be a game, as it sounds like you have going on now. What helped in our case was to cut the game out. I put her to bed, left , and for a while as she adjusted to the toddler bed, I would sing to her over the intercom, but ONLY if she was lying down. If she sat up or got out of bed, I stopped singing. For some reason she hated that. Then it became routine until I was able to stop singing on the intercom and falling asleep became habit. Compliance, well... Yeah, adjust your expectations there. The toddler years are all about independence and finding boundaries. It's very normal to say no or not do what you want when you want. And I'm of the mind that that's okay. When I think of how I want my daughter to be when she grows up, "compliant" is toward the bottom of the list. Kind, empathetic, loving, HAPPY, hard working, thoughtful, funny, confident/proud of her accomplishments are tops of my list. Compliant is down there somewhere around "please God don't let her get arrested" and "no tattoos on her face ". I strongly recommend Positive Discipline, and The Emotional Life of the Toddler.

 

I know what you mean. For the record, I'm not going for compliance. I hope I'm not coming across like that. The things I'm asking her to do have to do with safety or other really important stuff. Squirming at the dinner table? Fine. Drawing on the outside of the house with sidewalk chalk? Sure. Throwing wooden blocks at her dad? Unacceptable. Hitting the cat? Big no no.

beautiflaw

tokenhoser:

One thing I have noticed with DS during the day is that just walking away is way more effective than getting into an argument with someone that can't even talk yet. If I want him to get dressed, and he won't get dressed, I'll just leave him in his room and walk away. And somehow, 30 seconds later he shows up with clothes and lets me dress him. If I try to MAKE it happen, he just fights and fights and fights.

 

LOL! That actually sounds adorable. DD acts like we are after her with a chainsaw when I go in her closet to pick out clothes, but then if I leave them in her floor she starts trying to put them on herself! I think with her its because she is so "AHDEE DO IT AHDEE DO IT" that me and her dad trying to help is somehow crushing to her little soul. 

momluvslgg

It sounds like you are doing all you can for your daughter, she is blessed to have you as her mommy! I understand what you are dealing with because my son, now 4, used to not want to go to bed either at that age. He now goes to bed just fine, so it will get better! If you want some articles to read about this, just let me know and I can send them to you. I have read some good ones that helped us with my son. Blessings to you!

Still free to be me

With bedtime, my older daughter was a nightmare.  I would try everything...I spent MONTHS trying everything and DD's bedtime just got later and later and later.  She would go to bed between 2:00am and 8:00am.  It was awful.  Sometimes I could drive her to sleep.  Sometimes she would nurse to sleep.  Sometimes she would rock to sleep.  She almost never went to sleep at a decent time.

I don't have any "good" solutions...basically, I got so tired of spending hours  (like...from 10:00 pm until she finally fell asleep) feeling frustrated, angry, and resentful that I just stopped putting her to sleep.  I just kept our day going until she was ready to sleep and then let her fall asleep.  We settled into a routine of going to bed at about 2:00 am.  Even though she was staying up super late, at least we weren't spending 1/3 of her awake hours fighting.  After about six months of this "schedule,"  DH's work schedule changed.  Now, DD goes to bed between 10:30 and 1:00 am, which really works for our family.