no one to talk to IRL about this

nikkilyn35

I guess I am just venting.  I haven't been able to talk about this with anyone.

So 2 weeks ago BD announced to me his wife is pregnant, and I didn't exactly take it very well.  Part of me doesn't believe this was an oops.  they are both in their 40's, and never had children together through the years of their on again/off again relationship.  she has 2 children out of high school and he has a 19 year old who also has a baby.  so his granddaughter will be 2 years older than his youngest child.

 My child and I have been a thorn in her side since she found out (he moved out there with her and didn't tell her that he had a child, she found out when the CS paperwork was served).  I always got the impression that she was jealous that he and I shared a child.  Back in November she went all crazy because she found an email between him and I discussing Christmas ideas for DS, and some other casual small talk, and she turned around and emailed me and accused me of having inappropriate conversations with him. 

she tries to paint herself as a martyr, and step mother of the year and toots her own horn for being so understanding and non judgemental of me and how supportive she is of BD having a relationship with his son.  yet she makes it uncomfortable for BD to even discuss our child with the rest of his family, and his family is oddly distant and won't have anything to do with DS.  I could understand being cold and distant if he and I were barely civil, but he and I are very friendly.  I've tried to push him when it comes to his family.  since they live here, and he lives in another state, I figured, and he agree with me, a good relationship with his grandparents and uncles and brother would help foster a good relationship between BD and DS despite the distance. but everytime I ask BD about his family, he is oddly evasive.  there was an incident over a year ago when his parents visited him, and when I asked if they talked about DS, he told me there was "no time" and later his wife informed me that she didn't feel DS was "appropriate dinner conversation" in front of her children.  I guess I just don't understand how someone can say they are supportive but discussing your son/stepson/stepbrother with the rest of his family is not appropriate?

so when he dropped the bomb about her being pregnant, I got snippy and said "good, now you'll have a child you are allowed to discuss and be happy about" in which he attempted to lie to cover her butt.  we haven't spoke since.

I guess I'm just tired of all the lies and telling me what he thinks I want to hear, but never backing it up.  and I'm tired of being the only that works at trying to arrange visits only for him to act like he doesn't even care.  I was going to try to go out there last fall, but he couldn't have been less interested, so why waste my time and money?   He started all this "I want to be involved" stuff, but has done nothing but show me that DS is almost nothing to him except an inconvenient payment each month.

 I thought about telling him all this myself, but it's just not worth it.   I'm tired of having to explain why I'm upset, then reading all the "oh I'm sorry, I understand", then it goes right back to the same old crap. 

inthelost

Don't hate on me for this but: It's not his wife's job to make your life easier. You had a child with her husband for crying out loud. Of COURSE she's jealous you share a child with her husband! I I don't know why she didn't leave: if I were married and my husband got another woman pregnant, I would have divorced him. and of course she's resentful towards your child, and I can see where she's coming from.  How would you feel if someone had a baby with your husband, would you welcome that child with open arms? I think you need to focus on him and NOT her. Leave her completely out of the equation. Only talk to him if it involves your son, and stick to that. I would say tell him that your son feels like nothing but an "inconveince" and only to come around when he's ready to be a serious father to your son, but really, i think you and your son are better off without him. Just be honest with him and then leave it where it may.

AZ123

You're trying to push this too hard and fix a situation that isn't going to change and you have no control over. Your energy is better focused on your DS and other people in your life that have a most positive influence. If you really want a grandparent relationship and they live in the same town, call and invite them over directly and not through him.

Stop making the effort with him and put your energy towards other things in your life.

nikkilyn35

Just to clarify, we didnt have a child together while they were married.  they had been together years ago, broke up, and weren't even living together until 2 months AFTER my DS was born.   He just never told her about DS when he moved out there with her. they've only been married since October.

mel1987

I'd try not to worry about her, it doesn't sound like she is doing anything wrong. Try not to be mad about him and his wife having a baby, he probably is more excited about it because it's with his wife. None of things you can change, so just worry about you and your son.

inthelost

my apologies then, I couldn't tell from the context of the message. I would just try to ignore her as much as you can, unfortanley you can't control her. focus on him and your child. If you have an issue with him then go to him and don't worry what she has to say about it.

nikkilyn35

No problem, I can see how it looked bad.

 the thing is, I have never involved her.  she involved herself when she emailed me last year to lecture me like a child over canceling a visit with BD.  then she randomly emails me out of the blue several months later saying how she thought we had a "connection" after that email, and then turns around and accuses me of having inappropriate conversations with her husband.  she felt so "connected", yet she waited 6 months to email me again.  lol. 

 they both act like I asked for all of this.  All I did was file for CS, because I really had no choice.  He was the one to start the "i want to be involved, everyone is supportive" crap, and it's been downhill since then.  I never had a whole lot of faith that long distance parenting could work.  Even between 2 people that are committed its difficult.

and while the argument occured after the baby news, it's not even about that.  it just was the straw that broke the camel's back.  it's something that we've argued about continuously and every single time he tells me what I want to hear, then does nothing to back it up.