XP:Update and plans for the week *sensitive*

QuigleyCat1

Ok ladies, I needed this past weekend to absorb everything from my appointment I had on Saturday.  You all know the incredibly hard (that doesn't even describe it, really) decision that we've made to let our little baby boy go.  Unfortunately, this cannot be done in hospital.  We have to go to a clinic, although it was highly recommended by our genetics counselor because the OB/GYN's from the hospital that dealt with for our amnio/genetics are the ones that will perform the procedure.  It will have to be done via D & E and our little boy will not be intact.  However they will give me hand and footprints done with ink and also will allow me to see him if I wish.  I'm still deciding on seeing him as I know what I may see, however, the majority of myself is leaning toward seeing him because no matter what, he is my little boy and although not how we typically "see" a baby, he's exactly that...MY baby.  At this point DH doesn't want to see and I 100% respect and support that.  He prefers to think of him in a different way and not the way he will be after the procedure.

This clinic was not a bad place at all.  But it is what it is...definitely NOT a hospital setting.  There were girls there alone, with S/O's, sad, laughing.   It was all so strange to me because if our circumstances weren't what they are, I never would've stepped foot into that building.  Not because of judgement, but  because I NEVER would've thought I would have the need to.  The staff/doctors were incredible.  I had a girl with me all day that was my advocate.  She was very kind, sweet and understanding.  She asked me some of the hardest questions about how I feel, how will I feel when I'm not carrying him anymore, do I think I'll be able to treat myself well afterwards, and so forth. I answered as best as I could and honestly. The worst part of the appointment were the protesters in front of the building and what they were yelling to me and my mom, who came with me that day. Oh God, those words ripped through my heart and soul. "Love your baby, Mommy!!!" Over and over.  They also made remarks to my mom about being a grandma.  They have no idea, nor do they really care, how much I actually DO love him and that our parents already ARE grandparents. I can't even properly describe the love I have. They had people to escort us into the building so as to "distract" us from protesters which is a nice thing to do. And as much as I tried listening to our escorts....those protesters' words hurt, BAD. 

On a tad bit of a lighter note: When I was waiting for my consult with the doctor who'll be doing the procedure I kept thinking, "I hope he's not one of those young, good-looking OB's"   (I'm used to my female OB for sure.)  So who walks through the door?  A 50/50 cross between Patrick Dempsey and John Travolta. And not today's John Travolta....the John Travolta from Grease.  Geez.  Well it turns out he's was just consulting me and he isn't the doctor that will actually perform the D&E.  I know when Saturday comes around, I couldn't care less about who will be doing it...it could actually be Patrick Dempsey and I wouldn't even notice.  But it was just one tiny millisecond of the day I was actually amused with a bit of humor.

So the date is set for April 27th...I'm choosing to call it his trip to Heaven.  And this week, I'm hoping to do some things with my family while I'm still carrying him.  For instance, today I may take him and our DS#1 to the park to feed the ducks.  Another day I'd like to just leave DS with my mom so I can take baby boy to the beach so I can read him a letter and maybe bring home some pretty pieces of driftwood to always have in remembrance of that day.  Right now our beaches are filled with driftwood this time of year before they clean them up for beach goers.  I'd like to take a picture of his u/s picture on my tummy even though I'm not showing yet.  I'd like for DH, DS, baby boy and myself to maybe go out to dinner somewhere and also have a picture taken of us while he's still with us.  I may also take DS to work one day to see everyone because they've all been so incredibly supportive and loving.  I may try to get squeezed into my salon for highlights if she can fit me in.  Although we usually gab about kids and me having "one more" so I don't know how that would go. We'll see...

Wow this got long!  I want you ALL to know that I have read EVERY reply and EVERY PM that you all have sent me.  I don't know if I'll have a chance to respond to them all but I promise you I read them and I have kept all of your kind words and prayers in my heart.  They are very meaningful to me and I cherish them.  I also appreciate your willingness to share your similar stories and answering questions I've had.  You women deserve some kind of medal for going what you have gone through and being who you are.  Thank you.  (((hugs)))

damabo80

Oh God, I'm so sorry you had to deal with those protesting crazies. They have no idea, and instead choose to remain ignorant and evil. Douches, the lot of them.

I was lucky, in that my OB performed it at my local hospital. Huge hugs for endu

orangegoggles

:::Hugs::: Wow, again I am so amazed by your strength and bravery through this all. I love that you are planning special memories together. I especially love your idea of going to the beach with just the two of you. I know that you will always treasure

ksyknelvr73

I apparently have missed your prior updates but I did go back and read them - I have tears streaming down my face right now. I'm just sorry - no other real words to say. I think it is beautiful that you are going to spend time this week doing special thin

Karen1998

I'm so sorry you had to deal with those asshats.  I'm glad the clinic had someone guide you through your time there, though.  I hope Saturday goes as easy for you as possible, though I know it'll be far, far from easy.  

Your plan

Ladiebug710

Hugs for all you and your family have to go through.  My heart aches for you right now.  You will be in my thoughts an prayers all week.

Mmm79

You are so incredibly brave.  Please remember that over the next few days and weeks.  I think your plans for this week sound good- and I hope they are the beginning of the healing process for you and your family.

I am so sorry about the

Junebug060609

I'm so sorry you have to deal with the protesters. They have no idea what it's like to be in your shoes.

I love that you are taking the time you have left with him to do special things like go to the beach and do photos with the family. Mem

MickeyM04

YGPM

ChloBub

Because I know you love this gif, this is for the protesters:

 

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BarooGirl

I dont have any words to ease your pain. But I am so sorry you are going through this, it just isnt fair. I hope this week is filled with special little moments. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Id love to kick the protesters for you. ((hu

luvmyducks

I'm so sorry you had to deal with the protesters. Huge hugs. Your plans for this week sound great.

MJM3108

You and your whole family will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. I am so glad you have special things planned for you and your baby boy throughout the week. 

I am so so sorry you have to deal with those ignorant protestors. I know i

melly918

I am so sad for you. You have so much strength and courage, you're already a good mommy! I'm sorry about the insensitivity and ignorance of these protestors. I drive by a clinic every day on my way to work and when I see them standing outside, they t

FmrAFBrat

I am so sorry for you loss & I hate that you have ignorant protesters to deal with on top of everything else.  Please take care of yourself.  I will be praying for you & your family. ((HUGS))

Shaungela

I am so so sorry!!! I wish i had advice on how to deal with the protestors, dont let them get to you!  Youre doing what you need to do.

I really hope you do treat yourself well after!

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ct103

Quigley, you are by far the strongest person I have ever met. That is no exaggeration. I feel honored to know you, even in this anonymous setting.

You are serving your little boy so well. I love that you're making your own memories with him a

SockMonkeySam

I have tears streaming. My heart hurts that you have to go through this. I wish you peace on the 27th, and know you are sending home a true angel. And no matter what we are here to support and love you.

ProfessorPedals825

I'm so sorry you had to deal with the protesters at the clinic. I can't imagine what that must have been like. You are so brave and amazing. Please let me know if you need anything. ((hugs))

CheesyPeas

I have had tears in my eyes for you for the past few hours as I?ve tried to make it through y

[Deleted User]

My heart aches for you, so, so much. I know there is nothing that can be said that will come close to touching your pain, but I wish I could just wrap you in love and take it all away.

Those people who were protesting are scum. Ignorant, disgu

mork

::HUGE HUGS:: It's obvious how much you love your little boy. You're a wonderful Mama.

jertie

Every single one of your posts have made me bawl like a baby - and I'm so, so sorry.  I don't want to say that I'm sorry for the situation, because I know that you love your little boy and know that you are completely honored to be his momma - but

Petunia844

I'm so incredibly sorry for all you're going through and for the a$$holes at the clinic, I honestly and truly want to go over there and give them a talking to they would never forget... I wish there was a way to get through to all of the ignorant a$$holes

amidkiff

I'm so sorry you had to deal with those protesters. They are only seeing black and white, the world is full of shades of gray they'll never see unless faced with a situation. So closed minded. Huge hugs to you hon. It's so inspiring to hear your trying to

cmumama

My heart is absolutely breaking for you.  I can't stop the tears from flowing.  I wish I could somehow help to ease your pain.  I will be thinking of you on Saturday.  Many T&Ps heading your way.  ((hugs))

FreyaWin2382

I am so sorry you had to deal with, on top of everything else, those hurtful protesters. I will be thinking of you in the days to come. Big (((HUGS))).

anonomity

I just caught up on your posts, and I wanted to say I am so, so incredibly sorry you and your family are going through this.  I think it is lovely that you are planning a fun week with your little boy before letting him go.  

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QuigleyCat1

ChloBub:

Because I know you love this gif, this is for the protesters:

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bluebonnetmeg

I so sorry you had to deal with that. We were not able to have our procedure done at our hospital either. We had to drive an hour and a half away from home to see a doctor that "did that sort of thing" (according to a snotty nurse). We did not have any pr