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Rambling post...

J&D2007J&D2007 member
in Infertility Veterans

We transferred a beautiful grade A , pgs normal, day 6 hatching blast 5 days ago.  You think i would be so happy, hopeful, and excited.  DH is so happy, constantly asking how 'the hatcher' is doing, always rubbing my belly and talking about the baby to me.  I feel like crying every time.  I tried to explain several times that I am unable to be excited or happy at this time.  I know you all have a similar story, but almost 5 years of hope every single month, a great surprise bfp that had me buying baby clothes then a D&C, then a c/p, then the huge hopes of ivf 1 and 2... I CANNOT allow myself to be happy or hopeful.  This one more bfn would crush me.   How sick and twisted am I? How can he prance around telling me that I need to get excited when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry til next week's beta? I swear next time he rubs my belly I am going to scream "I'm sure the baby's gone by now!"..  Wth is wrong with me? I used to be so positive.  

Not sure the point of this point, but felt like you all would at least somewhat understand!! 

Me: 37, DH: 38: ttc 7 years, dx: unknown
10/11: after 2 years, saw a RE, FSH 5.4
11/11: BFP! (surprise after thyroid & normal hsg),
12/11: missed m/c after 7 week u/s, 1/12: D&C
6/12 IUI#1-IUI #3: clomid = BFP!, C/P
IVF #1(10/12) FSH 5.4, AFC: 16 long Lupron, 5R/5M/4F, all 4 made it to 5dt, 1 blast/1-8 cell transferred=BFN
IVF #2(12/12)AFC 21, MD lupron, 4R/4M/3F, 5dt of 1 blast and 2-8cell. BFN.
IVF#3(4/13) Natural start antagon protocol, 12R,11F. one PGS normal at day 6 transfer. BFN.
IVF#4 (11/13) C.CRM (ODW.U normal 8/13 Still no Diagnosis) EPP/antagonist. ER 13R/7M/6F. Only 1 made it to freeze. Abnormal. Looking into options of DE, Fresh vs frozen.
10/14 new local RE to look into what's next. CD3 FSH 4.7, AMH 0.9. Met with DE agencies and exploring options for feb/march 2015.
Surprise natural bfp (4 days before donor is signed). Beta #1 at 9dpo: 51.8, 2nd beta: 195 (25 hours doubling) @11dpo. 3rd beta (12/15): 516 (35 hrs doubling) 4th beta(12/17): 895 (58 hours doubling) 5th beta(12/19): 2120. U/S at 5w0d(12/22): one gestational sac with yolk sac. U/S #2 (6w0d)12/29. One little bean measuring 6w0d with HR 124. 3rd u/s(1/4)7w0d: baby measuring 7w2d. HR 134. 3/30: A/S at MFM went great except for low lying placenta. Verifi results are normal! Team Blue! Please send any positive thoughts our way! EDD:8/24/2015
Baby Will born 8/18. He's perfect.
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Re: Rambling post...

  • pbj1975pbj1975
    IF is awful...it messes with your heart, mind, body, and soul. Take each day, each minute, each breath slowly. Your husband loves you SO much. I know how hard it is...we all do. Sending you a hug!
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  • kflynn81kflynn81 member
    I wish I had the magic words to make that feeling go away, I'm sorry....I sincerely hope and pray this is it for you ((HUGS))
    Me: 33, Endocrine issues & FVL       DH: 32, Nothing 
    NTNP 2009-2012         TTC since 2012:
    • Clomid, 2 IUI cycles, and 5 IVF cycles = BFN
    • FET #1   August 2013 = BFP!     EDD 5/11/14
    • Jack dx at 19w1d with Dandy Walker on 12/16/13
    • Severe Pre-e /HELLP set in Jack born sleeping at 20w1d on 12/23/13
    • FET #2 --July 2014  BFP!  ---  EDD  4/5/15

    Jack has handpicked his sibling up there :)

    My blog about IF and loss ... Kate's IF Blog

            Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers 

                                                      

                                                                              Lilypie Pregnancy tickers


                  Anniversary





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  • megs3084megs3084 member
    Hugs!!!!!
    "Everything will be alright in the end. So if it's not alright, it is not yet the end."
    Me:29 DH:29  TTC since 1/11 Dx: unexplained IF/early DOR/immune issues 
    Feb'12- July'12-testing(all clear minus slight arcuate ute), 3 IUI with clomid all BFN
    8/30IVF#1 Antagonist protocol- ER 9/11-8R, 7M, 5F. 
    ET 9/14 2 embies transferred. 1 10cell Grade 4, 1 8cell Grade 4. No frosties. BFN
    IVF#2 Antagonist protocol plus baby aspirin- ER 12/5-16R, 12M, 8F!
    ET 12/10 5dt! 1 fully expanded blast & 1 early blast. No frosties. BFN
    3/13 hysteroscopy & polypectomy, Consulted w Dr. Kwak-Kim.  
    DX: High NK cells, cytokines, DHEAs& PAI1;  hypothyroid, +APA, restricted bloodflow
    7/13 IVF#3 Long lupron protocol with PIO, Crinone, Prometrium, and vivelle
    (plus synthroid, metformin, baby asa, metanx, PNV, Vit E, D, calcium, fish oil, CoQ10, IVIg infusions and lovenox per Dr. Kwak-kim)
    ER 7/19 14R, 11M, 9F(4 natural fert, 5 with ICSI)
    ET 5dt 7/24 2 fully expanded blasts.  SURPRISE 3 FROSTIES!!!
    Beta #1 8/2 335!!!! Beta #2 829!!!  1st u/s 8/14 showed TWINS!!!!!
    11/11: TEAM PURPLE!!!!!
    3/21/14-L&W born at 37w via csection
    Here Comes the Sun Blog
    PAIF/SAIF welcome!
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  • PurpleIris30PurpleIris30 member
    Nothing is wrong with you!  Please don't beat yourself up for how you are feeling, which is perfectly natural.  You're just trying to protect yourself, and that's ok -- do what you need to do and think what you need to think to get through this.
    Married 8/2008. IVF with PGD March 2013.
    3/22 ER: 25R, 20M, 15F. 9 genetically normal, and 3 survived to Day 5
    3/27 ET: transferred 1 embryo, beta 9dp5dt=163, 12dp5dt=639
    4/25 1st ultrasound at 7 weeks = identical twins with heartbeats?!!!
    PPROM at 31w, delivery at 32 weeks of two beautiful girls
    image
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  • lincoln79lincoln79 member

    I know how you are feeling. I just looked at it as others just had to hold on the hope for me (mh, my acu, our pastors) while I just tried to stay out of despair.

    I think it is completely normal for our situation. 

    TTC #1 since 12/2010 DH: MFI, cancer survivor Me: Resected septate uterus, lap treated mild endo, tubes open, ovulate on own, autoimmune disease 3 Failed IUI's (2/2012, 4/2012, 6/2012) 
    IVF #1 August 2012. BFP! Beta #1 56.7 Beta #2 150 One baby, one heartbeat on 9/20/12! no h/b @7w6d. dandc @8w0d, 
    FET #1 December 2012, BFN
    FET #2 February 2013, no embies survived thaw
    IVF #2, BFP #2, Loss #2 March 2013, Scar tissue discovered, RPL testing,
    IVF #3, BFP #3, Loss #3 (twins) September 2013
    Hostile ute, moving onto Gestational Carrier!

    GC/FET #1 of 1 5AA blast and 1 compacted blast, February 2014, BFP #4 on 3/1/2014!
    6w u/s 1 bean with h/b of 145 bpm, 8w u/s 187 bpm
    EDD 11/7/14. Please, please, please stick little one!

    Praying unceasingly for a miracle. ALL welcome!

    image










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  • brooklynesquebrooklynesque member
    Huge hugs!!  I do understand.  It's almost like PTSD after a while.  Just try to hang in there until your beta.  You're stronger than you think, and you'll find a way to get through it no matter what happens.  
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  • Crystal120410Crystal120410 member
    It's always hard to be positive when all you have been through is negative. Try to hang in there. ::hugs::
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  • jschwind22jschwind22 member
    ((hugs))
    My Blog
    Lilypie First Birthday tickers

    TTC #1 since February 2011
    Me: 29 (3/5/13- high NK cells)  DH: 28 (5/8/12- MFI low morph and motility)
    Cycle #21 (IUI#1), Cycle #22 (HSG 9/21/12) and Cycle #23 (IUI#2)=  image
    Cycle #24- December Snow Bunny IVF #1
    ER 12/6/12 (14R, 11M, 9F), ET 12/9/12 transferred 2 day 3 embies
    Bleeding and low betas=very cautious image C/P 5W3D
    Cycle #26 March Lucky Duck- FET #1
    scheduled 3/20/13- CANCELLED- lining issues
    Cycle #27 May Emerald- FET #1.2
    delayed- Starting Trental for 3 months + natural cycles Cycle #28-30=  image
    Cycle #31 August Shooting Star- FET #1.3 
    transferred 1 hatching blast 8/21/13= imageBetas 8/30 (108) and 9/3 (565)

    U/S 9/19/13- HR is 128!  U/S #2 10/4/13- HR is 174!
    It's a BOY!

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  • BrideJackie11BrideJackie11 member
    I am so sorry that you are having a hard time and not feeling too hopeful.  Sounds perfectly normal.   You are so strong and have been through so much.  It's hard to get excited when you know the reality of the situation.  Hang in ther

    <Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    Married June 2011 Dx: anovulatory due to prolactinoma (1.5cmx 1.5cm in 2006)
    April 2012: MRI- questionable cyst 8mg by 12mm in pituitary ; referred to RE by Ob-gyn after amenorrhea x 4+ months, provera ineffective, low estrogen level
    cycle 1: May 2012, clomid 50mg; cycle cancelled, thin lining, no response
    cycle 2: June 2012, femara 5mg; cycle cancelled, no response
    cycle 3: July 2012, femara 7.5mg; cycle cancelled (largest folli on Cd12 & cd 16: 11, lining 4)
    Repeat MRI July 25,2012- Cyst unchanged, likely old infarction.
    Aug. 8: met with RE, move to injectables if HSG and SA normal
    Aug. 23: HSG all clear; DH- perfect
    Switched to a new RE in early Sept. IVF here we come
    Genetic testing reveals: Fragile X- Intermediate risk/grey zone.
    IVF#1: ER 11/30: 14 retrieved, 10 mature, 7 fertilized. E2 prior to trigger 5200. Decision made to freeze 6 embryos and transfer later due to OHSS.
    IVF#1.2/FET #1: estrogen injects start 1/18, FET delayed to try to thicken lining. lining 5.4mm. FET- 2/18- transferred one 3AA expanded blast. BFP 5dp5dt. Beta #1- 2/27 9dp5dt- 102.27 beta #2 3/1: 147 :(, beta #3 3/4: 268 told to stop meds and let nature take its course. requested 4th beta (3/6); Beta hell for 2 months.

    FET # 2: endometrial scratch 5/6, added estrace vaginally and ASA to delestrogen and PIO. June 10- transferred one 4AA hatched embryo, BFP 4dp6dt, Beta 1 (9dp6dt) 187, Beta 2 (11dp6dt): 412; Beta 3 (15dp6dt ): 4452. U/S #1- one beautiful embryo with a heartbeat of 133 at 7 weeks.  8 weeks: heartbeat 156. EDD 2/26/2014: born 2-3-14 induced due to Pre-E and HELLP at 36w5d.

    12/1: met with RE to discuss trying for #2


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  • GregermisGregermis member
    It's so hard to be excited after so much disappointment... I kept reading my adoption book and research while waiting for a beta for this one. Only way I could keep my sanity.
    TTC #1 Since 4/2010, Cycle 30
    Positive for HLA-B27, I'm a mutant :p
    Testing - Me ok, gluten issue? DH - borderline count, low motility
    4/28/11 IUI#1 = BFP!(5/25), EDD 2/2/12 - m/c 5w3d
    7/3, 7/31, 9/25 - IUI#2-4=BFN
    IVF#1 - 1 blast = BFP!! (12/30), EDD 9/9/12, confirmed c/p 4w2d
    FET#1 3/2/12 - 2 blasts =BFP!! EDD 11/18/12, us#1 = twins! Confirmed m/c 5w6d
    4/20-surprise BFP and another c/p 4w2d
    FET#2 7/16/12 - 2 blasts = BFN
    FET#3 8/20/12 - 1 blast - BFP!! Beta #1-2=177, 354
    1st u/s 5w6d, one beautiful little HB :), 2nd u/s 146bpm
    baby girl born 5/10/13

    TTC#2 since 12/17/2014, Cycle 8
    Repeat Testing...FSH=12, AMH=3.8, AFC=28. 
    IUI#5 5/10/15- c/p?
    IVF#2 8/19/15 - cancelled due to cysts
    IVF#2 take two 10/2015 - 5 blasts frozen
    FET#4 12/11/2015 - BFN - 4 blasts remaining
    FET#5 2/18/16 - BFP!!!  Beta1-3, 126, 250, 745!!

    Image and video hosting by TinyPicLilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

    Tons of love and ((hugs)) to my IF sister NMscubagirl


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