I don't know how to help

angelsnight

It's been almost 4 weeks since we lost our baby girl.  In the two weeks immediately following MH was by my side every minute and so amazing...not that he isn't always, but this really brought us closer together.

All along though I feared he was ignoring his own grief to take care of me and our OB even told our family that after Kayla was born.  She said she always worries when someone remains stoic and unemotional as MH did.  He was right there when she was born, cut the cord and remained as my rock. 

I asked him to go see the therapist with me a week after our loss, but when he said he wasn't ready I didn't push it.  I've sent him links for grieving dads, I don't say anything about them because I know he'll look at them if he wants to.  He ran a 5K in her honor last week, he's gone to the gym a few times with his buddy, he's gone out with his friends a few times to the bar to unwind.

The other night I made it be known that I really wanted him to go to this support group with me I found....it turned out to be all women and it ran even longer than it was supposed to, and I felt badly about that.  A support group I went to years ago was really big and there were other men there, so I really didn't know it was going to be so uncomfortable for him.  But from the start I told him I didn't expect him to go anymore after that, but I knew I couldn't go the first time by myself and I really needed this.

 Our plans for today were really up in the air, he had talked about going to get steak to BBQ for dinner, but then just a bit ago he said he was going to the shooting range with his friend and then out to the bar.  I was all for it, I never mind when he goes out, but I asked if on the way to the bar he could maybe get McDonald's for me.

He got really mad (as he has been doing all week) and kept saying he just wants to be left alone, he wants his time without worrying about me.  I kept asking him when I haven't given him his time but he never really answered me, just kept yelling about wanting his time and he can't grieve because he is always worried about me.

I know part of it is just his grief catching up to him and his anger is coming out at me, but I have no idea how I haven't given him his time.  Every time he talks about going somewhere and says he doesn't want to leave me, I encourage him to go because I know he needs this time.  Going to the support group with me is really the only thing I *made* him do that he didn't want to do.  He's asked me several times if I need him to come home from work and be with me and I've always said no, I'm ok.  I mean, I'm not....but him coming home wouldn't solve anything.

I feel so helpless because I don't know what I am not doing that he needs, and I don't know how to help him.  We do talk about Kayla, and it doesn't feel forced...he seems to genuinely want to talk about her sometimes.  I feel like I've done everything I possibly can but he was so angry at me and I don't know what to do.

kdy85

((hugs)) oh sweetie I'm so sorry! My doctor says guys just deal with their grief differently and just suppress it. Unfortunately, my hubby is a police officer so he suppressed it really well. In the few weeks after her death, he started giving me my space

shandorfml2

This is all very "normal" for grieving families. I was worried about this to with MH. I had a close friend of ours pick him up and take him out for a drive. She made him cry and he needed it. He's in therapy now with a male therapist and that is going

angelsnight

Thank you both.  We talked a little about it and I thought we got somewhere last night, but then he got angry again today.  He says one thing, then says the complete opposite and gets mad at me because I don't know what he wants.

But it

PerkyErky

We are almost at 4 weeks since we lost our Alice and I have worried a lot about my DH. He is always trying to take care of me and I worry he is not taking care of himself.  But we do talk regularly and he has cried a few times.  Both of us te

Heatherhah

Men truly do handle grief so differently then we do. DH's outlet was the gym he would go work out his grief alone. My therapist saw him and suggested it . It worked for him. They want to fix us and they know that they can't so it is tough for them