new to this board and to adoption idea

Hi everyone,

 My dh and I hope to have a child in 5 years or so, but I have some concerns I thought some of you might be able to weigh in on...


1) I will be 35 and dh will be 45 in 5 years - I'm concerned this will make it very difficult for us to adopt here in the states

2) I grew up with several families that adopted children; the vast majority of the adopted children have turned out to have MAJOR problems, behaviorally speaking - addiction, learning disabilities, severe acting out - all were adopted as infants.  I love the idea of adopting, but I worry that no matter how we raise an infant, there will be mental/behavioral issues we won't know about until the child begins to grow up and we see how they start to develop.  This terrifies me.  I know so many wonderful parents who have really been tortured by behavioral problems (not like the normal behavior problems or normal kids) and I don't want this to happen to us.


Please don't flame me - I'm naive - admittedly - but that's why I'm here, to try to start to get some answers so I can think things through.  Has anyone had these concerns, or dealt with these issues?  Your thoughts that could help me (instead of flame me) would be appreciated...


Re: new to this board and to adoption idea

  • this is not a flame, just a reality - 

    just because they were adopted does not mean that's why those that were have the problems they do. my brother (neither of us are adopted, completely biological) had an addiction problem and that's not even the result of having bad parents, because our parents rock. he just fell into the wrong crowd. it's a part of being a parent. you can raise children to the best of your ability, but it all boils down to the decisions the child makes.


    i should also add that we know that the children we're going to end up adopting some day WILL have problems because they are foster children. our current FD and FS were both exposed to drugs while in the womb. i know that they will have a problem in their teen years and beyond due to this fact. they now have a gene that will make them more suseptible (sp) to being "attracted" to drugs. 

  • Welcome. I'm sure you'll get some great information here. I learn something new every week.

    1. It all depends on who you choose for your adoption lawyer/facilitator/agency. Some have age restrictions, some don't. We're leaning towards an agency right now that I believe has an upper age limit of 50. The only limitation with being a bit older is that you may have to wait longer, since some birthparents really want the adoptive parents to be younger. But considering that I'm almost 40 and DH is almost 38, that's the least of our concerns.

    2. I think you have to do your research and start to talk to a lot of families about their experiences. I believe that everyone comes into adoption with some preconceived notions, and many of them are unfounded once they start the research and education process. For example, my mom seems to know every adoptive mom who got pregnant after adopting, while I've met maybe one of those people. Just because the families you're familiar with had issues doesn't mean that's the same across the board.

    As the pp noted, how you came into your family doesn't guarantee how you'll turn out. You could be born into a perfectly normal family and end up being the biggest mess in the world, while the people next door may foster-adopt a child with major baggage who turns out amazing. It's a chance you take when you give birth, and it's a chance you take when you adopt. While you may not want that to happen to you, it's a chance you take with any child.

    No flames here, I just encourage you to really think about how you want to build your family and choose the path that's right for you.

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  • Hey there! So for the first part of your question, it depends where you plan to adopt from (US or another country) and what agency you go thru, but alot of companies have a cap at age 40, so you may want to research that part now.

    As far as how kids turn out, well I don't think that necessarily has to do with adoption. Kids you give birth to can turn out to be little troublemakers, it's just a gamble I suppose. I'm adopted and so is my brother, we were both adopted as infants and have two different birth mothers. I went on to college, got a degree, am married and have a career. My brother was lucky to graduate high school and has a felony arrest record and can't hold down a job. Not trying to scare you at all, just trying to point out that we were raised by wonderful parents, the same parents and had the same rules. He made decisions for his own life and so did I.

     I understand your concerns because my husband and I have had these thoughts when we discuss adoption, but when in life is there ever a guarantee? Raising someone else's child is an amazing gift, and that child will feel special everyday knowing that you picked them out of all the babies in the world. That's how I always felt anyways. Good luck!

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