Ectopic pregnancy

khouryj23

Ive never written on a blog before. Until today, I thought I was managing pretty well. Until I had a flashback of our whole ordeal and had myself a panic attack and lost it. It's a long story, but if you care to listen, I'll share it with you.
About 2 weeks ago, I was considered about 7 weeks pregnant. It was a planned pregnancy as my husband and I were trying for our second child. We have a beautiful 1 1/2 yr old daughter who has been my saving grace. We've endured a surgery to remove my left ovary and Fallopian tube due to a dermoid cyst, 1 miscarriage, as well as multiple complications with our daughters pregnancy so I was so sure this pregnancy would be uneventful.
One night, I started having lower right pelvic pain. Since I had my left ovary tube removed, I am a bit over protective of my remaining anatomy. More paranoid than in pain, my husband and I went to the ER to check it out. This decision had saved my life. I had an ectopic pregnancy but drs weren't exactly sure where. I can not even begin to describe how heartbreaking it is to see your babys heart beat and knowing they wont survive bc its not in the uterus. Im trying to suppress my tears as the US tech continues her images and while my husband is holding me so tight. Heart beat normal, hcg level normal, everything is good, just the wrong placement. Wtf. They kept telling me it was in my left Fallopian tube, but I assured them, it was no longer there. They insisted on a laparoscopic surgery to find and remove "it". They talk as if it's no big deal, to just discard this baby as if it were a piece of trash. They say their "sorrys" but without compassion, just stuck in this medical realm......
1 surgery....unsuccessful. They can't find "it". Excuse me??? An hour after surgery, I'm sent for an MRI. Hope fills me. Is it possible it could be in the uterus?! After the MRI, worn out from the ordeal and surgery, I fall asleep. I awake several hours later hopeful, immediately I call for my nurse, unwilling to take any pain meds until I find out the possibility of having a viable pregnancy, but sadly I do not. I had a cornual ectopic pregnancy that was on top of my uterine and Fallopian artery. Basically, you could call me a ticking time bomb. Due to the location and vascularity I'm not a candidate for surgery. Due to the heart beat and hcg levels, I'm not a candidate for methotrexate. In fact, my ectopic was so rare, I had to be transported to another hospital to see a dr who specializes in this type of ectopic.
Sent to the other hospital a nightmare in itself. Thankfully I'm a nurse and know how to protect myself in medical situations. I find it very scary for those without medical knowledge and see what people try to get away with. Any way. The "procedure" I needed to have done was basically an ultrasound guided direct injection of potassium chloride into the egg sac to stop the babies heart beat. And NO, they do not knock you out, or even sedate you, or even give you a Valium. NOTHING! The way they inject the kcl is either transabdominally through your belly like an amniocentesis or transvaginally depending on placement. Of course with my luck, my placement warranted a transvaginal injection. Yes, a long needle, through your vagina, no sedation. The dr had tried 3 times and was unsuccessful. I was in a "teaching" hospital so there were 2 other drs observing my procedure and the specialist describing step by step each thing she's doing, including showing them the baby's heartbeat and her needle which she is using to try and stop the heart beat. Again, no sedation. Me and my husband are fully aware of everything going on and everything she is saying. How awful to have to lie there and watch and feel when someone is essentially killing your child. This is what has me the most fucked up and what I had my flashback/panic attack from.
She had noted that she had no idea how I hadn't ruptured. There was no tissue surrounding my baby. And if I did rupture, how I would need to be in an OR in under 5 mins. Not a hospital, in the actual OR. I am extremely fortunate, but still heart broken. Since that procedure failed, I had no other option but another surgery.
Surgery 2. The specialist dr, said I did not have a cornual ectopic but in fact my baby had implanted in the tiniest little "nub", the remnants of my left Fallopian tube. The second surgeon was able to remove "it" quite easily and doesn't understand how the 1st surgeon had missed it. Whatever, I'm glad the more experienced and knowledgable dr was able to do my surgery correctly. So 2 surgeries and 1 "procedure" has left me in a world of pain. Not to mention the grief I have from losing this otherwise normal pregnancy. I know it will take time, I hate all the stupid comments from people "it wasn't healthy" "happens for a reason" "wasn't meant to be". The one that pissed me off the most is from my MIL which I'm happy just to vent about here. She says "your body wasn't healed yet" from my 1st live pregnancy a yr and a half ago. I'm super sensitive right now, her remark made me feel like I was being irresponsible and ignorant. Back off lady!
According to old wives tales they say a girls heart beat is higher and a boys lower. My daughters heart beat was always 140150 even we went for u/s visits. This heartbeat was in the 120s, so I can't help to think that this was our son. My husband also likes the ring on the necklace trick to see which way it swings. Circle is girl which played out to be true for our daughter and back and forth is a boy, which what it was for this pregnancy. The one thing that hasn't been mentioned in this household is the morning before my pain started, we did the necklace test again just for fun, but this time there was no movement. No circles or back and forth. I got so freaked out and almost mad at my husband for the insecurity. And that's the night we went to the hospital and our whole world changed. My family and friends are awesome and I have a great support group. My husband has been waiting on me hand foot. And as previously mentioned, my daughter is my saving grace, without her I'd be more of a wreck. It's only been 2 weeks from the ordeal. I was doing good or so I thought. I don't think I've had time to really process it all. All the memories are starting to come back and hit me. Like a punch to my heart. I just wish I was still pregnant. Now, I'll be considered a high risk pregnancy if it is in our cards that I will be again. And I'll probably need a csect bc they had to do surgery to my uterus. But that's still up for discussion. Just sad for the dates to come as well. I wldve been 20 weeks at my daughters 2nd birthday so we were planning a gender reveal party as well then of course the due date is engraved in my mind. We can't even try again for 6 months so I can fully recover. But I'm scared of that too. I'll be monitored more closely but is this a sign not to get pregnant bc we have so many complications? I'm not sure. So thank you for who ever you are taking the time to read this. I just really needed a good vent and I got a lot out. Thank you, goodnight!

nicolecoy

I'm so sorry for your loss, I understand how frustrating it can be when your basically getting the run around with drs. I started bleeding Feb 16, my dr said I would bleed heavily and that was that, he was my fertility specialist dr and I feel like he tot

1bratmom

I just wanted to say I am so very sorry for you loss. I can't image not being under for that. I delivered one of my losses and the other was a DNC. 

mandi195

SO sorry for your loss. I, too, am recovering from an ectopic that wasn't diagnosed correctly at first, though your situation is incredibly rare. I wish you fast healing of both body and heart. 

FutureMrsPayne2316

I'm so sorry you had to endure this! I recently experienced an ectopic pregnancy and the ordeal was extremely painful, both physically and emotionally. I'm still healing. I too felt a lot of anger and frustration with medical professionals. I felt like I