Outside Perspective Needed (long)

MrsHennyBee

I am not sure if you will have any insight on this, but I'll try anyway!

A little backstory: When my mom was 16 she got pregnant and chose adoption for her baby boy.  It was a closed adoption.  She married my dad when she was 25 and when she was 30 she had me, and had my sister 3 years later.  

When I was 8 my mom was contacted by Kevin (the boy she had placed for adoption).  He wanted to get to know his birth mother, and my mom was overjoyed to hear from him.  My mom never told my sister and I that we had a brother out there, so this was a huge surprise for us (a really good one, because my sister and I had been begging my mom for a brother - weird how things work out!)

Kevin came out to visit us, and it was weird but a good weird.  We looked like each other, and him and my mom developed a pretty close bond right away.  We kept in touch after that, going to see him and him coming to see us.  We called often, and sent birthday/Christmas cards.  We referred to Kevin as our brother, and from the moment I found out about him, I have always thought of him as my brother.

Over the last few years though, our relationship has been almost nonexistent.  Kevin got married and now has a daughter that I have never met.  He stopped answering my moms calls.  He never calls me back when I try to call him, and if he does, he gives lame excuses like his phone was broken.  When I got married I asked him to be in the wedding, and he seemed really excited.  I was going to pay for everything - his plane ticket, tux, hotel room etc. I really hoped that this would bring us closer.  At the last minute he said he wasn't coming, and I haven't heard from him since - its been about 6 months.

I am so hurt by this.  I am sure I am expecting way too much out of this relationship.  My mom feels guilty for never being in his life, and feels like she has so right to "interfere" with him and his life. I understand her perspective.  

I don't want to bother Kevin, and I don't want to overstep my boundaries.  I just don't know what those boundaries are.  I am having a hard time separating my logical thoughts from the feeling that my brother hates me (it sounds so stupid when I put it out there).  

So I guess what I'm asking is what are my boundaries? I don't want to force Kevin to have contact with me if he doesn't want it, but it feels so strange to just give up...

If anyone has a similar experience, I would really appreciate some outside perspective.   

Dr.Loretta

I have no experience, but IMO there are no set rules for boundaries in this type of situation. And since Kevin has stopped communicating, there are a million things that could be going on. Maybe his wife and/or her family are uncomfortable with the fac

MrsHennyBee

Dr.Loretta:

I have no experience, but IMO there are no set rules for boundaries in this type of situation. And since Kevin has

davidandheather

It is possible that he had that lifelong desire to meet his birth family, but that was sufficient for him. Meeting you all was all he needed and a relationship was not as important once meeting was accomplished. No hard feelings toward the birth family, j

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MrsHennyBee

Thank you guys for your perspectives! I plan on writing a letter and seeing where that goes, if anywhere.  It's hard just putting it all out there, and I am going to try really hard to accept whatever comes of it. 

After I send the lett